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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 02/08/2023 18:13

Don’t have children until you sort this out. He will make you pay for all the childcare and split all the child costs-god forbid you give up work he will still charge you 50% of the bills. There was a women on here a while ago who despite a healthy household income, and her not working her husband paid a pittance of housekeeping something like 400£ and that had to pay for all the food, kids stuff and her stuff, plus petrol, she could not afford to replace her coat as she had grown out of the old one and had not had a haircut in years as he would tell her no. This is an extreme example but do you want to be with someone who hogs money and splurges it on 20k treats for himself, does he get you decent birthday/xmas gifts-something tells me he does not.
It should be one pot for all. My parents did this and they had to agree on every purchase over a certain amount. It worked really well.

Hazeltrees · 02/08/2023 18:13

Ugh. He's an arse

Waifeandstray · 02/08/2023 18:14

I would hold fire on kids. It seems he thinks you’re just two people living together. I can guarantee if you have kids, you’ll be putting in the majority of physical and emotional work and his attitude towards finances won’t change. I couldn’t be married to someone like this. My husband earns 3 times what I do but I took a lesser paid job to work term time only around our two children who both have serious disabilities. But the financial pot is joint. It’s never his money or my money it’s our money.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 02/08/2023 18:15

Do not have children with this man (unless he completely changes his attitude to you and to finances). "You're doing well out of being married to him". WTF??? You are SUBSIDISING him!

Just don't.

What would his expectations for funding maternity leave? childcare?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Rainiestsummer · 02/08/2023 18:17

TedMullins · 02/08/2023 18:10

Yeah I agree with this. No kids but I earn at least double what my partner does. That’s because of his chosen career. We go 50/50 on holidays and meals out too. Sometimes I pay upfront if he can’t and he pays me back. My savings are my own and his are his own. My parents however don’t have a pot to piss in while his are millionaires so he’s in line for a massive inheritance. I don’t expect any of that to be split 50/50 with me.

Show quote history

I think a big difference here is he is your partner - I didn't split finances 50/50 with dh before we married, but legally being married changes things, and I would suggest morally too.

Pandor · 02/08/2023 18:21

I feel like he has a really shitty attitude.

I earn between 4 or 5 times what my wife earns but from the moment we married we became a team. We both saved as much as we could towards our house, then kids came along. Everything we have now I consider equally ours. We both have enough for discretionary spending and any big purchases get discussed. The idea of me having more than her just doesn’t make sense, it wouldn’t feel compatible with being married.

My career happens to pay better than hers does but I’d never suggest she need to change anything to earn more money. I guess more of our savings sit in accounts under my name than hers at the moment, but she knows exactly what is kept where, and has access to all the passwords in case I get hit by a bus!

Pushmepullu · 02/08/2023 18:24

Sorry, I’m struggling to understand a marriage where meals out are paid for 50/50. When we married our salaries went into a joint account and we both had our own savings accounts. If there was money left over at the end of the month one or both of us would put a small amount into our savings. At the time husband was the higher earner, as time went on I became the higher earner and continued to be until I had DC. There has never been your money/my money in our relationship as this leads to resentment. OP get this sorted now.

ThePoetsWife · 02/08/2023 18:24

Don't have kids with him.

WantingToEducate · 02/08/2023 18:25

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

😳😳😳

WTF?!

He sounds like a total arsehole.

DO NOT have children with this man until the agreement is that everything will be shared. Situations change a lot when children come on to the scene and you need the security of knowing that when it comes to finances you are part of a secure, equal and committed arrangement.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 02/08/2023 18:27

Imagine you are having a child with this man, how are you going to deal with ML and paying ‘your share’? Who will pay for the clothes/food etc… furctge child? And childcare?

This guy is taking the piss.
Youre not partners, you’re married.
He needs to learn to share and there is no ‘doing well marrying him’ so you should be content with you have. It’s not ok for him to £5k left each month and you nothing at all. (Not even going into pensions etc….)
Maybe he should be reminded that, as you are married, half if his is yours….

Btw, imagine you’ve bought a house together.
Has he made a will to ensure that you get ‘his’ half of the house too? I’m assuming there your house is worth more than £700k….

Noicant · 02/08/2023 18:29

Do not have kids, just don’t, it will be miserable. At one point I had more money than DH now he’s the sole earner. Always shared, never thought to do anything else. This is not normal OP, even if you want to keep finances separate then you would do it on a percentage basis and he would be keen to pay you back the his share of the deposit. But he hasn’t has he.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 18:32

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

Wow what a treasure he is? This would be enough for divorce in my world.

He is abusing financially and emotionally. Please leave this man and start again.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2023 18:34

How is your deposit ring fenced with the house ? Assuming it is op?

purpletrees16 · 02/08/2023 18:37

Why is he not gifting money to you for the ISA allowance alone? He saves 60k a year. That’s tax he is paying on your 20k Isa allowance for no reason. He’s a top rate tax payer. That’s about £400
a year he’s paying in tax assuming cash, more if in shares.

GingerIsBest · 02/08/2023 18:43

So how does he think things are going to work once these DC come along? Are yous till going to have to pay 1/3 of all bills even though your earnings will probably decrease? What about childcare etc? If he's buying this fancy 20k car with "his" money, what happens when you need to drive this car?

I'd be pointing out that he's benefited significantly by having a) your over 50% deposit and b) by having you contribute to the mortgage at a significantly higher percentage of your salary than he contributes from his.

But I'm afraid, In my experience, men like this don't change their tune so Id' get out now while you still can.

IWFH · 02/08/2023 18:46

Every time I read a thread like this I'm more convinced that our approach of all income being regarded as household money (and in our case all going onto a joint account) is the fairest answer.
What happened to marriage being a partnership?

Teapleasebobb · 02/08/2023 18:48

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!!!
I would seriously consider getting out now op, it will never get any better and will be MUCH worse if you have children with him.

Thinkbiglittleone · 02/08/2023 18:59

The problem is He will probably never change his attitude towards this. He will always believe it's his money and his decisions. In my opinion that shows a complete lack of respect, you should be partners who decide things together as an equal partnership,

Please don't have children with him, he don't change, with kids it will only get worse and he will try to raise his children with the same attitudes.

ihadamarveloustime · 02/08/2023 19:07

Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

Do not get pregnant.

Do NOT get pregnant.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

He is showing you who he is : someone who thinks his money is his, yours is yours, and the inequality percentage 'sharing' of expenses demonstrates this. He also doesn't feel he has to talk about big financial decisions, even though you are legally tied together financially.

I wouldn't be staying with someone who treated me this way, and I certainly wouldn't be having children with them.

Usernamen · 02/08/2023 19:14

Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

He earns 4x more than you so should be paying 80% of the mortgage and bills, not 2/3. So you need to get this changed ASAP.

However I’m afraid he’s right about big purchases - he does not need your permission to spend his money. If a woman posted here saying she has to ask permission to spend money she has earned, people would (rightly) find it outrageous.

glittereyelash · 02/08/2023 19:14

I dont understand this at all. While I think it's a good idea to have your own seperate savings account the bulk of money earned should go into one account you both have access to. What happens if you have children and you have to go on maternity leave or if there's a complication and you're not able to work?

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 19:28

All this talk about it not being fair and financial abuse 😂 what planet do you lot live on?

So assets are to be split 50/50 but she should only make a 25% contribution?

Married or not does anyone not take personal responsibility for their position in life.

I earn significantly more than my wife and we split the bills accordingly but if things were ever to go wrong (and hopefully they never do) we have a plan in place that things are split by the same percentage of contribution.

You can’t have your cake and eat it. You aren’t entitled to his savings, he has also said he will willingly help you out if you are stuck and is paying 2/3rds of the bills. If you can’t afford it, you need to do something to take responsibility for that.

Would love to see what would be said if the roles weee reversed here. Leave him, he has no aspirations, he is lazy etc.

IWFH · 02/08/2023 19:29

However I’m afraid he’s right about big purchases - he does not need your permission to spend his money.
And therein lies the difference of approach. I have generally earned far more than DW but I don't regard my wages as my money because it's household income. Any major household purchase we discuss. We don't police each others personal spending because we trust each other.

Tulpenkavalier · 02/08/2023 19:37

So glad you're not my husband, @RealisticGuy...

As for @Batima - I'll add my voice to those who say DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN !!!