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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/08/2023 11:34

It would be a no for me

Wfhandbored · 02/08/2023 11:34

I'd take him at his word. He's obviously ashamed and could have lied and you'd have never known any different. I actually rate him being truthful here due to his evident remorse.

UnsungShero · 02/08/2023 11:35

I’d run.

He has no respect for women, and a strange relationship with his friend.

That poor woman.

I’d have zero respect for him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/08/2023 11:38

his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other

"Ordering" and paying a prostitute to have sex with (only) him wouldn't have been great but this ......

Dotcheck · 02/08/2023 11:39

I think everyone makes mistakes, and this was clearly his.
I would proceed, but with caution. I’d be listening extra hard to how he talks about women/ former partners.
You’ve seen him numerous times, but still only 5 weeks.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/08/2023 11:40

Just the idea of them hiring a woman (and you never know how truly free prostitutes are in their choice to do that, even the punters on UK punting mention they know some of them are run by pimps and criminal gangs) be used like an appliance by more than one mm, one after another.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/08/2023 11:40

I think everyone makes mistakes, and this was clearly his.

Lol.

What a bar you have for "mistakes".

watchwhich · 02/08/2023 11:42

He's not worth your time.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2023 11:42

Fucking revolting.

Used a woman sexually - like an object, like she’s nothing.

I feel nothing but contempt.

CurlewKate · 02/08/2023 11:43

Sorry-it would be a deal breaker for me.

temosmail · 02/08/2023 11:44

Lol she isn't "high end" at £200.

What's the problem? You asked, he told. Why is it such a deal breaker for you?

INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 11:45

So he used a living receptacle for sex, then either passed it on to his mate or his mate passed it to him. And you see nothing wrong in this? Its othing to do with age at the time, it's respect for another human being that may or maynot be coerced into doing it.

It's a no from me.

Fourlegsandatail · 02/08/2023 11:46

A drunk intent is still intent… and sharing her with his friend sounds extra grim.

Fourlegsandatail · 02/08/2023 11:48

And he was 31 at the time, you can’t put it down to immaturity (not that I think that is an excuse even if he was much younger at the time)

Greenfree · 02/08/2023 11:51

I think it's good he didn't lie to you and I wouldn't be put off by this. I think a lot of men use prostitutes etc, it's up to you how you feel about it though

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 11:51

He shared a prostitute with his friend. Let that sink in.

He's disgusting.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

Monkeylimas · 02/08/2023 11:53

No, sorry op. He had many occasions he could stop what he was doing. Before he rang, on the call, between calling and her arriving, when she arrived he could have paid her and poured her a coffee or let her go home early. If he was sober enough to phone someone and get an erection 20mins/3 hours later when she turned up at the door then he was sober enough to maintain his boundaries (if he had them). Raping women for money is a boundary he was prepared to cross.

I am liberal and had a colourful time in my 20s however I have boundaries which I never overstepped even when hammered. I don’t drive after even a sip of alcohol, never overstepped this. I do not kiss (or more) anyone who is married - hard boundary that I have never crossed. It’s not the sex it’s the fact it’s not a hard boundary that would be my dealbreaker.

Clymene · 02/08/2023 11:54

A mistake is pranging your car on a pillar in a car park.

It's not going on a website with your mate, scrolling through images of desperate women, choosing one, paying her to come to your hotel so you can fuck and then ask her to go next door so your friend can fuck her too.

WomanAtWork · 02/08/2023 11:55

I’m honestly unsure what I would do. Yes, people make mistakes. Drunken friends, egging each other on, old enough to know better? It is not a good look.

I think forgiveness is one thing, acceptance is another. It is really going to come down to how you feel about it.

I know personally I couldn’t be with someone who had previously abused a child or been violent with a partner or had a history of addiction (gambling, alcohol, drugs). We each have our red lines there. Porn and objectification of women ranges from mildly distasteful to outright disgusting. I would probably live with the idea for a bit, see if you get the ick.

also I find it interesting that he opened up and told you about it. He could have said absolutely nothing about it, you would never have found out. Is he trying to come to terms with what he did, something he obvious feels deeply ashamed of? It says a lot for his trust of you that he felt he could and should own up.

i would definitely be having the conversation along the lines, “if it was your daughter or sister being “ordered online for sex” how would you feel? would it make a difference if it was a ‘high-end’ prostitution?” I’m not sure anyone could honestly say a woman could be comfortable sleeping with two drunken strangers for money. So what does he think high end means - clean? Safe?

i wouldn’t bin him off, but I’d definitely be thinking very hard about it

HerAvatar · 02/08/2023 12:00

It's a massive red flag and, considering half the threads on this board are from women wishing they'd heeded those flags before they got in too deep, I would be throwing this one back OP. I think it takes a certain kind of man to have sex with a woman who is doing it for any other reason than because she actively wants to, and those men see 'consent' very differently to me, or any decent person. Whether he did it once or twenty times would be irrelevant to me because it still shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the concept of consent, it can't be bought, ever.

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 12:02

No, doesn't matter how much they regret it.
They once thought it was an okay thing to do, to order a woman like a takeaway, to use her body. Run

Shapemyeyebrows · 02/08/2023 12:05

@namechangeforthisy what a tricky one. Credit to him for being honest and telling you, but the fact he was in his 30s when he did this and it was him and his friend who shared a woman would really put me off. To have that mentality in your 30s and still be friends with that person you did it with…..sorry but I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 02/08/2023 12:06

It's certainly grim at the very least.

I broke up with an ex because his married best friend regularly orders (orders? Books?) 'an escort' when at another friends flat.

Ex and I had been together 20 years previously and had remained distant friends. I just thought it reflected on him the company he keeps, not to mention his best was a cocaine dealer who kept ex hooked also 🙄 (I did end up telling the wife and the police).

If you trust that it was a one off, and I think it probably was... Then... I don't know, it's your gut on this one. You can't change the past. Don't know!

My son's father went to Amsterdam before he met me. Told me his mates were all at it, and he tried, but she told him to take his clothes off and his genitalia first. He has psoriasis all over his body and he said he couldn't get past how she looked at him, so he dressed, went out a few minutes later bragging to his mates about what he'd done. THAT I believe and I'm tempted to believe your new BF.

It doesn't sit well, but it's there, it happens sadly, a one off... Okayishhh but not okay at all. That's my stance 🤣

BubziOwl · 02/08/2023 12:06

I do respect his honesty, to be totally fair. It would have been much easier for him to lie about it.

However, I couldn't get past this. I'd not be able to see him the same way ever again.