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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Many men love overweight women, and actually most of the overweight women I know are in relationships.
Why should you be able to pay and have any age you want or any attractiveness.
Maybe you didn't have any luck without paying because of the way you come across or maybe your standards are too high?
There is never an excuse to pay.

CinnamonCoffee · 02/08/2023 14:54

Since when did sex become a need? The sense of the entitlement you have and the lovely pity party! Aww bless even fat women can have a shag but you can't!
You paid for sex when consent can not be bought! That equates to rape!
@Username5939329

Original poster
namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 14:57

Thanks all.

Can I just clarify all the ones hugely against it and totally thinking it's awful/akin to rape etc. Do you think men can ever change? Do you think this is just one of those things that simply never deserves forgiveness, on a par with child abuse?

I'm genuinely trying to figure this out myself and get my feelings straight and I don't know what I think here.. I feel like it's on the scale of what I don't like -it's worse than cheating to me.. but how much worse I'm not sure..

The example given of a black woman dating someone who was a member of BNP but reformed - yes I actually feel like that guy could be deserving of forgiveness - depending on what exactly he did in the BNP but I do think racist views can be reformed for example.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 15:00

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 14:57

Thanks all.

Can I just clarify all the ones hugely against it and totally thinking it's awful/akin to rape etc. Do you think men can ever change? Do you think this is just one of those things that simply never deserves forgiveness, on a par with child abuse?

I'm genuinely trying to figure this out myself and get my feelings straight and I don't know what I think here.. I feel like it's on the scale of what I don't like -it's worse than cheating to me.. but how much worse I'm not sure..

The example given of a black woman dating someone who was a member of BNP but reformed - yes I actually feel like that guy could be deserving of forgiveness - depending on what exactly he did in the BNP but I do think racist views can be reformed for example.

Yes he probably genuinely regrets it and hasn't done it since.
But the fact that he once thought it was okay. He should never in his life been close to even contemplating it.
It means he will always be potentially persuaded into doing something wrong.

Lavender14 · 02/08/2023 15:04

I couldn't get past that personally that would be a deal breaker for me.

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/08/2023 15:06

The biggest issue for me op , is the hypocrisy. Most most wouldn't see prostitution as a regular job if their sister was doing it. Therefore punters must see women they buy consent from as less than others , less human etc. They're someone's mother , daughter etc and deserve equal respect. Abusers are the same , they rank people according to their use. A person that thinks they can buy consent is being abusive in my opinion.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 02/08/2023 16:13

I’d also ditch him.

I’ve been drunk and never, ever thought about buying about her human for sex. Nor has anyone I know.

I don’t care if he says he’d never do it again, I’d alway know or suspect that for him, women are little more than commodities.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 16:17

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 15:00

Yes he probably genuinely regrets it and hasn't done it since.
But the fact that he once thought it was okay. He should never in his life been close to even contemplating it.
It means he will always be potentially persuaded into doing something wrong.

Show quote history

Don't you think that's an unfair view?

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 16:23

Firstly I wouldn't of asked MN about this one. Even porn is practically placed on the same level as prostitution on here I mean people who watch it that is.

I actually think this is unhealthy OP you hardly know the man it's not healthy to be digging so deep. We all have a past and there's some things I wouldn't even share simply because I'm not obligated to share everything with everyone I meet.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 16:29

curiouslion · 02/08/2023 14:13

OP is this something you would normally ask a prospective partner or new boyfriend? I think that is odd .Asking a question like that surely runs the risk of being lied to.

Exactly

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 16:55

@pinkyredrose Why would I think my view is unfair? How is not accepting someone who thought it was okay to buy a woman unfair?
Would it be unfair if women refused to be with men who once hit a woman? Once stole someones handbag?
Dangerous territory when people think a woman having healthy standards and boundaries is "unfair"

Frogger8395 · 02/08/2023 16:59

Ashamed my arse. So ashamed he didn’t want his friend to know. Oh, hang on.

dooneyousmugelf · 02/08/2023 17:13

Nah. That's all.

Original poster
namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 17:13

I'm confused by the comments about how weird it is that I asked when the strong consensus seems to be to get rid of him? Why is it bad that I asked then, if it results in finding out something important that might make me want to end the relationship?

And why is is unhealthy to ask? I asked because we were having an open conversation about sex, porn, etc and it came up. I think I have asked some partners before.. not sure if all of them...

OP posts:
category12 · 02/08/2023 17:15

Ewww.

Myoldtable · 02/08/2023 17:27

You asked the question and he was honest. A lot of men have slept with prostitutes, some may be honest and tell you and some may lie. If everything else is fine then I would continue seeing him. If this splits you up then he would never be honest about it with anyone again.

nalabae · 02/08/2023 17:28

He's not doing this regular and people saying "he used a woman sexually" every man has they just haven't paid

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 17:58

You asked a question. He answered honestly.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 18:06

Its weird because it's odd that it's on your check list. I've never asked any man that. I'm with others many women have slept with a man that may have paid for sex and we just haven't realised OP. Many men have also used women for sex also. Ultimately though you have now upset yourself by asking too much.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. A lot of people give advice they can't follow themselves. You do what makes you happy OP.

Mom2K · 02/08/2023 18:10

I agree it certainly could be similar IF it's coerced/sex trafficking and therefore rape in some situations and that is abhorrent if that's the case but we have no way of knowing if that's the case here.

I think the fact that you can't know is exactly the point. Not knowing if the person has been trafficked or if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought.

This would be a hard no from me. The fact he could do it at all crosses a very strong moral boundary for me. It being one time all those years ago is irrelevant.

I'm confused by the comments about how weird it is that I asked when the strong consensus seems to be to get rid of him? Why is it bad that I asked then, if it results in finding out something important that might make me want to end the relationship?

I think it is perfectly acceptable that you asked. The question though, is why did you? Because now that you have the answer, you are unsure what you want to do. Only you can decide for yourself what your boundaries are :)

category12 · 02/08/2023 18:13

It's not just the exploitation angle, it's grim that he took turns with his friend.

WWYDIYWMRN · 02/08/2023 18:22

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if everything else was ok. Everyone makes mistakes, some more serious than others and he sounds genuinely remorseful.

I've made some dreadful decisions while drunk and don't judge others who have too.

DefinitelyGoingToHell · 02/08/2023 18:23

Dealbreaker for me.

He paid for sex. He is friends with at least one man that has paid for sex. He and his friend ‘shared’.

Men that think that is ok at any age, but definitely well into adulthood, he was in his 30s ffs, are not going to change their thinking. Its who they are.

Hintofreality · 02/08/2023 18:27

That is grim.

How does one even come to have that conversation with a mate, “fancy tag teaming a prostitute?”.

And he was sober enough to go on to a website, search for a woman, confirm and pay for the booking.

He’s lying to you as no way will it have been a one off.

bellinisurge · 02/08/2023 18:29

Soon to be ex that should be.

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