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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 02/08/2023 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh do go away with your poor me sad incel-vibe type voice. You really have no clue, and apparently no social skills. Try improving those before paying. Just a thought.

LizaTarbuckForQueen · 02/08/2023 18:34

Consent that’s bought is not consent OP

The idea that he and his mate passed the poor woman around between them shows just how little respect and how much contempt they had for her and all women.

I could never sleep with him again.

95dogcat · 02/08/2023 18:35

I had exactly this situation with someone I was dating. I asked if he had ever paid for sex, he said yes, on a lads holidays in Thailand. I went apeshit, ended it, and said it was a red line for me. He made all the noises about how he knew it was wrong and went to great lengths to explain.

As it happened I had some bad behaviour in my own past to be ashamed of (cheating), which was a huge red line for him as he valued loyalty at all costs. I used his misdemeanours as an opportunity to tell him about mine. We called a truce and moved on. Weird story. Luckily the relationship didn't last too long anyway.

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:37

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/08/2023 15:06

The biggest issue for me op , is the hypocrisy. Most most wouldn't see prostitution as a regular job if their sister was doing it. Therefore punters must see women they buy consent from as less than others , less human etc. They're someone's mother , daughter etc and deserve equal respect. Abusers are the same , they rank people according to their use. A person that thinks they can buy consent is being abusive in my opinion.

Many people wouldn't be happy for their daughter to be a bikini or swimwear model either. But it's still considered a legitimate job, even on MN.

One's body is personal, and traditionally private. Something people are protective of. Which is why they don't like the idea of their beloved ones being pawed or penetrated.

But that in itself doesn't invalidate the consensual aspect of the deal. Whether it's an A-list actor, a run of the mill model or a poor prostitute, they're all taking money for strangers to get pleasure from their bodies.

C1N1C · 02/08/2023 18:38

Of you can't be forgiven for something you regret and own up to, why ever be honest?

He made a mistake, he learned from it, he was honest about it even after finding out it was a deal-breaker.

...and I'd prefer him than the 10% of guys that have used prostitutes in the uk and aren't admitting it to their spouse.

I wonder how many in here would still have partners if they'd owned up to their sexual pasts...

DefinitelyGoingToHell · 02/08/2023 18:40

I see the men have arrived to tell us it’s ok.

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:44

if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought

You know who else is usually doing it for the money, and many times doesn't enjoy the job - which is sometimes pretty grim?

All the people we regularly buy whose services we regularly buy. That gardener isn't sweating out there because he has loves nature, and that plumber isn't unblocking your sewer because he's got a scat fetish. They're there to do a job and get paid in order to pay their rent and put food on the table.

If paid for consent isn't actually consent, that makes all service providers slaves. Which of course they're not, as consent can be bought.

In fact even 'real' sexual consent is often bought, though not in those explicit terms and not for money.

whatamess100 · 02/08/2023 18:45

I mean he didn't have to tell you, he could of lied but that is pretty grose sharing her one after another.

For me it would massively put me off but you know him, you have to make the decision.

ChevySilverado · 02/08/2023 18:58

I see the men have arrived to tell us it’s ok.

I recognise some usernames. Advanced search on some is quite telling. It’s all poor men, women use the word incel too often and victim blaming. 🚩

OP, dealbreaker for me too. Him and his pal sound repulsive.

HerAvatar · 02/08/2023 18:59

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:44

if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought

You know who else is usually doing it for the money, and many times doesn't enjoy the job - which is sometimes pretty grim?

All the people we regularly buy whose services we regularly buy. That gardener isn't sweating out there because he has loves nature, and that plumber isn't unblocking your sewer because he's got a scat fetish. They're there to do a job and get paid in order to pay their rent and put food on the table.

If paid for consent isn't actually consent, that makes all service providers slaves. Which of course they're not, as consent can be bought.

In fact even 'real' sexual consent is often bought, though not in those explicit terms and not for money.

We don't, as a rule, put parts of our bodies inside our gardeners and plumbers though do we? And they're not potentially at risk of being viciously attacked or even killed everytime they mow the lawn or unblock the toilet are they? So it's not the same at all is it? Nice try though.

BrookNoRivals · 02/08/2023 19:00

How appalling. Even if I could rationalise it away logically, I'm afraid it would fundamentally change how I felt about him forever. I couldn't get past that.

ChevySilverado · 02/08/2023 19:01

And the usual, what’s the difference between paying a gardener and paying to have sex with someone. The people I’ve met that make these comparisons are always dangerous or vulnerable.

Havd we had ‘sex workers find it empowering and make good money’ yet.

Bingo card filling up.

🤢

Desmond4th · 02/08/2023 19:12

Christ no. No. People have the right to make mistakes and move on from them, but it doesn't mean you're the one that has to enable the moving on. Seems like there are enough women who can accept a very low bar, and others who have probably learnt the hard way to be far more discerning.

TheDogHasCaughtAnotherBloodyFish · 02/08/2023 19:27

Ew, get rid of him OP.

This idea that if someone does something, they should be allowed to move on, does have some boundaries. This would be one of them for me. It’s not just a case of people doing whatever the fuck they want, admitting it, saying sorry and everyone has to be ok with it. Women are made to feel that they should be kind and forgiving of all things still. Fuck that idea. He’s fucking repulsive, as is his friend. Raise the bar would be my suggestion.

TheDogHasCaughtAnotherBloodyFish · 02/08/2023 19:28

@C1N1C I’ve seen your other posts.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Naunet · 02/08/2023 19:48

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

Hands up ladies, how many of you have made the ‘mistake’ of chipping in for a potentially trafficked man to come over and be a fuck stick for you and your mates pleasure? We’ve all been there, right??

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 19:52

ChevySilverado · 02/08/2023 19:01

And the usual, what’s the difference between paying a gardener and paying to have sex with someone. The people I’ve met that make these comparisons are always dangerous or vulnerable.

Havd we had ‘sex workers find it empowering and make good money’ yet.

Bingo card filling up.

🤢

Disgusting isn't it. As if they compared doing some gardening to having a strange man put his dick in your mouth and vagina and manhandling you.
The incels and freaks have arrived

Naunet · 02/08/2023 19:53

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:44

if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought

You know who else is usually doing it for the money, and many times doesn't enjoy the job - which is sometimes pretty grim?

All the people we regularly buy whose services we regularly buy. That gardener isn't sweating out there because he has loves nature, and that plumber isn't unblocking your sewer because he's got a scat fetish. They're there to do a job and get paid in order to pay their rent and put food on the table.

If paid for consent isn't actually consent, that makes all service providers slaves. Which of course they're not, as consent can be bought.

In fact even 'real' sexual consent is often bought, though not in those explicit terms and not for money.

So how are you checking these women aren’t trafficked, or doesn’t that actually matter after all?

BeaumontLivingston · 02/08/2023 19:58

Let's all take a moment to establish now before our next relationship whether prostitute use is a dealbreaker.

dooneyousmugelf · 02/08/2023 20:00

Just goes to show that water finds it's level. One woman's absolute garbage is another woman's next dating prospect. Throw him back, OP and one of the women defending him on here will have him...

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 20:01

I also do want to say that I do not view it the same as rape - I agree it certainly could be similar IF it's coerced/sex trafficking and therefore rape in some situations and that is abhorrent if that's the case but we have no way of knowing if that's the case here. So I don't want to assume the worst case scenario of it being that.

That's kind of the point though.

Men cannot possibly know for sure whether or not the woman they pay for sex is coerced, trafficked or abused. They cannot know 100% certainty, or anywhere close for that matter.

So those who pay to have sex with sex workers are men willing to risk that the women are coerced, trafficked or abused.

Willing to take that risk for some sex on their terms, on demand.

Decent men wouldn't take that risk.

Rathouse · 02/08/2023 20:02

Desmond4th · 02/08/2023 19:12

Christ no. No. People have the right to make mistakes and move on from them, but it doesn't mean you're the one that has to enable the moving on. Seems like there are enough women who can accept a very low bar, and others who have probably learnt the hard way to be far more discerning.

Which women are they? Half of the married women on MN post about their cheating husbands despite putting them at risk of STIs and God knows what else.... yeah your right though.

WantingToEducate · 02/08/2023 20:08

He “ordered” a woman and then he and his mate shared her, one after the other?

im sorry OP but that’s awful and it shows a huge and disgusting disregard for women.

I couldn’t get over this.

Yes it was 13 years ago but that still means he was in his 30’s when he did it. He wasn’t some stupid 20 year old doing something idiotic, and that is also what makes it so disgusting.

Mom2K · 02/08/2023 20:15

Disgusting isn't it. As if they compared doing some gardening to having a strange man put his dick in your mouth and vagina and manhandling you.
The incels and freaks have arrived

Exactly. The people defending prostitution use are just as disgusting to me as those who use and abuse the prostitues.

It's not a 'service 🤢🤮

ElizaMulvil · 02/08/2023 20:23

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:12

If he admitted to rape in the past would you continue to be involved with him?
For me, it's the same.

Exactly. This was a criminal act imo of the most appalling kind- rape is the word for it I agree - worse than burglary by far. His values are so far from yours surely. No excuses. How can you bear to see him let alone have intimate words or actions with him.

In countries which uphold the Nordic Rules , this was indeed a criminal act. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him.