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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/02/2024 02:32

I think it's clear you want to believe him.

Codlingmoths · 26/02/2024 02:37

WomanAtWork · 02/08/2023 11:55

I’m honestly unsure what I would do. Yes, people make mistakes. Drunken friends, egging each other on, old enough to know better? It is not a good look.

I think forgiveness is one thing, acceptance is another. It is really going to come down to how you feel about it.

I know personally I couldn’t be with someone who had previously abused a child or been violent with a partner or had a history of addiction (gambling, alcohol, drugs). We each have our red lines there. Porn and objectification of women ranges from mildly distasteful to outright disgusting. I would probably live with the idea for a bit, see if you get the ick.

also I find it interesting that he opened up and told you about it. He could have said absolutely nothing about it, you would never have found out. Is he trying to come to terms with what he did, something he obvious feels deeply ashamed of? It says a lot for his trust of you that he felt he could and should own up.

i would definitely be having the conversation along the lines, “if it was your daughter or sister being “ordered online for sex” how would you feel? would it make a difference if it was a ‘high-end’ prostitution?” I’m not sure anyone could honestly say a woman could be comfortable sleeping with two drunken strangers for money. So what does he think high end means - clean? Safe?

i wouldn’t bin him off, but I’d definitely be thinking very hard about it

I think it’s obvious how he’d feel? Hes said he is ashamed of it, he and his friend have never spoken about it - no laddish ‘bantz’, I think it’s clear he regrets it. I could get past this, one mistake 10 years ago.
I couldn’t get past a single incidence of child abuse, absolutely not. I don’t think I could get past being cheated on. I could get past this particular incidence.

Tarquina · 26/02/2024 03:36

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

Agree 100%
Give the man a break

TheWonderSpot · 26/02/2024 05:08

He told the truth. That's a strike in his favour. I wouldn't give up the relationship over this.

mathanxiety · 26/02/2024 06:04

I very much doubt he told the truth.

I base this on his detail that the prostitute was 'high end'. He's trying to insinuate that he is a classy guy who wouldn't use any old prostitute.

When someone tries to make himself look good while making an 'admission', it's been my observation that they are probably very sleazy indeed but can't admit this even to themselves, and in this case the number of encounters he's had with prostitutes with all sorts of prices is probably far higher than one.

Redcar78 · 26/02/2024 06:11

He didn't make a mistake, he made a conscious choice that he now says he regrets. He was sober enough to concoct this plan, order a woman and have sex with her so I don't think he was so out of it he didn't know what he was doing. Telling you this so early leads me to believe he's testing your boundaries to see what shit he can get away with 🤷‍♀️

Ladybyrd · 26/02/2024 06:16

13 years ago. Never done it since.

OP, is there a chance you don't feel ready for a relationship? It just seems like the kind of digging people do when they're trying to find a reason to get out of it. If you're not happy, that's reason enough.

I can honestly say I've never asked my partner that question. Or any of my exes. I would assume it would be a no so it's never really entered my head. If this isn't a pattern of behaviour but a one off drunken mistake, I wouldn't bin the relationship over it.

MariaVT65 · 26/02/2024 06:36

This is an old post everyone.

OssieShowman · 26/02/2024 13:25

Let it go. It was a stupid question to ask. He was honest with you.
If you can’t get over it, time to move on.

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