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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 07/08/2023 10:52

IhaveanewTVnow · 07/08/2023 08:37

I’ve never asked anyone that question. I would imagine most people don’t ask that question. Even those on here saying it’s a red flag……have you actually asked that question. As someone above said it’s like asking me if I’ve ever worked as a prostitute?? I would be so insulted.

It’s not really the same as asking someone if they worked as a prostitute. Women go into sex work for all sorts of reasons but I can guarantee it’s not because they want to. Men don’t NEED to pay to stick their dick into someone. It’s worse to see an escort than to use one in my opinion and yet somehow, it’s more acceptable.

Goditsmeagain · 08/01/2024 18:20

It makes you wonder if this woman was consenting to it or not. Prostitution is not okay. Deal breaker for me. Of course I’m dealing with finding out my husband was cheating with a prostitute but I will tell you that I would rather be single the rest of my life than wonder in the back of my mind if this is something that will happen again. I would like to hope that for most men this isn’t something they would ever consider doing.

Universalsnail · 08/01/2024 19:53

I would take him at his word. It was a long time ago. He has expressed significant regret. He understands the potential harms. He feels ashamed about it. He was honest with you and could have just lied to you about it.

I would however let him know I never wanted to hear about it again as I found it distressing.

If he had acted like it wasn't a big deal it would be a deal breaker and I'd end it.

steelingmyself · 08/01/2024 21:30

I let this one go as a mistake once because he'd been honest about it, and was regretful.

It was a mistake.

Burntouted · 08/01/2024 22:37

I think it would be best to end things. Clearly it bothers you and has been wrecking havoc on your mind..especially to the point where you're venting and asking advice for it. The cats out of the bag, and you'll never get over it nor view him in the same "light" again.

You won't be able to trust him.

Personally, I don't think it's a big deal for people to order the service and conduct "safe" business with a sex worker. It's a business transaction between consenting adults.

It's no different than paying for and receiving anything else. She provided the service they paid for. Hopefully, everything was consensual and everyone was treated with respect.

None of them should be shamed, feel embarrassed, ridiculed, etc...

You'd wish that he had lied, instead of the truth? Why?

I don't feel you can get past what he's told you. You would just be fearful and paranoid that he's into sex workers, and would cheat.

Redlarge · 08/01/2024 22:38

Id say it way more common than people think.

MasterBeth · 08/01/2024 23:10

No, no, no, no, no.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/02/2024 21:33

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

I agree.

Healthyhappymama · 22/02/2024 22:07

I suppose he didn't have to say anything to you. He was probably young and thought it was funny at the time acting all big together in a drunken state with his mate. I'd go ahead with a bit of caution though

boobot1 · 23/02/2024 08:44

Big no from me. They used and abused her.The fact they shared her too, they used her like an object and stripped her of her humanity. That is evil to me. Theres something deeply wrong with him.

CurlewKate · 23/02/2024 08:59

"This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake."

Well, I'm not one of those people. However, I do think that there are plenty of people in the world, so no need to choose one who thinks it's a forgivable "mistake" to go out and buy another person's body and consent.

SammyScrounge · 23/02/2024 13:54

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

Sensible post, SaveMe. Everybody has a past, everybody has done something they are not proud of, not everybody will come clean about it. This man owned up to something he's not proud of when.he didn't have to. Could it be because he tests you? Because he doesn't want secrets between you?Or possibly he just sees it as an out of character event in his life.
As for your part in this , were you setting a trap for him, encouraging him to speak up and then falling apart like a Victorian Miss?.If you can"!t handle the truth, then don't ask.
All you should judge him by is how he treats you, Not something.he did all those years ago.

SammyScrounge · 23/02/2024 13:56

Not tests. trusts. Sorry.

waterrat · 23/02/2024 14:00

Hard no and I don't believe him that it was only once. He is softening you up as it's worse.

whatsitcalledwhen · 23/02/2024 14:04

@SammyScrounge

As for your part in this , were you setting a trap for him, encouraging him to speak up and then falling apart like a Victorian Miss?

What a bizarre turn of phrase. Are you a woman? I've never heard a woman speak like that.

SammyScrounge · 23/02/2024 14:26

whatsitcalledwhen · 23/02/2024 14:04

@SammyScrounge

As for your part in this , were you setting a trap for him, encouraging him to speak up and then falling apart like a Victorian Miss?

What a bizarre turn of phrase. Are you a woman? I've never heard a woman speak like that.

Yes, I'm a woman. I'm not sure which phrase you think is bizarre.

whatsitcalledwhen · 23/02/2024 14:31

@SammyScrounge

Accusing a woman, in the modern day, of 'falling apart like a Victorian Miss' (let alone because she didn't like the fact her boyfriend has previously paid to have sex with a prostitute) was the phrase I thought was bizarre.

CurlewKate · 23/02/2024 16:53

"Falling apart like a Victorian Miss" because she doesn't like that her boyfriend bought a woman's consent.....OK then.

User1789 · 23/02/2024 18:59

Honestly, I have friends who did various things with sex workers in Amsterdam etc when in their late teens/v early 20s, once, and then regretted it. These are lovely men, who have grown up, understand the consequences of their actions and are very capable of having long-term relationships and families, and a silly fuck-up when they were really very young doesn't have any bearing on that. If anything, it was an experience that made them pause and reflect on their decisions either at the time or at a later date.

The fact your bloke was in his 30s when he did this would be what made me uncomfortable. While it was a silly mistake, he was old enough to know better...

Happinessandlove · 24/02/2024 15:14

It's the oldest profession in the world...for a reason....you would need to go somewhere to find a guy of his age who hadn't had some history. Having worked in a male dominated environment you hear exactly what goes on....they just don't tell women!!! It isn't evil, it isn't disgusting...it's just sex... Ay least he was honest with you and truly regrets it. He wasn't cheating..he simply paid to scratch and itch. Ladies don't be so naive. Stuff happens..that's life...we move on..let us not live in these green bubbles....my advice is be grateful you have found an honest man. If you are serious about him you are BOUND to have issues at some point, at least you know he should generally not shy away from the truth.

CurlewKate · 24/02/2024 15:24

@Happinessandlove "It isn't evil, it isn't disgusting...it's just sex..."

No. It's exploiting women and buying consent.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/02/2024 16:38

I think prostitution is rape and pretty much the worst 'legal' thing you can do

However, the way the OP describes her partners reaction is probably the best I could hope for so I wouldn't dump for this

I'm impressed he didn't want to lie as well, even if it meant you'd dump him

I've done terrible things while drunk, really terrible things so I can imagine if I was a man I could have done this

Blueink · 24/02/2024 17:11

I don’t think you should’ve asked that question without a clear idea of what you were going to do with the answer.

It wasn’t clear for you that it was a dealbreaker or you wouldn’t be canvassing for opinions.

Wishing he lied to you, how would that be a better foundation for a relationship?

You are probably both better off with other people.

commonfactors · 24/02/2024 22:57

@namechangeforthisy

I think it would be helpful to work out what you are reacting to, to help you work out where to go from here. The important thing for you is whether this is a dealbreaker for you, not whether others on MN think it should be.

It sounds like he opposes legalised prostitution, and finds his past behaviour to be shameful.

How would you feel if instead...

I) you learned that he supported legalised prostitution, though had never used a prostitute.

II) you learned that he supported legalised prostitution, and had used a prostitute (in this scenario he has not acted immorally per his principles).

III) he discovers six months into the relationship that you once used cocaine, which he finds abhorrent because of the human suffering in the supply chain. You are ashamed of it now, but weren't that aware at the time, many years ago. [if you don't find this example equivalent, you can adapt it to anything else that you do find equivalent].

IV) he discovers that you once used cocaine, which you still don't really find that problematic, but he really does, and is considering splitting up over it.

Happinessandlove · 26/02/2024 02:30

CurlewKate · 24/02/2024 15:24

@Happinessandlove "It isn't evil, it isn't disgusting...it's just sex..."

No. It's exploiting women and buying consent.

Your reaction Kate is very broad brushstroke. It isn't hearts and flowers, but it is a valid transaction. The issue with the sex industry is that it involves money and a total lack of morals in many cases. Anything that that is illegal goes undercover..anything undercover opens up the opportunity for abuses from greedy men ( and women). The whole world seems to be full of these abuses....this one is just more transparent.
You say it's paying for consent...and this is true...I haven't issue with this asking as the ladies human rights were not impinged.

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