New man used a prostitute once...

[namechangeforthisy]

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

This is even worse, yes

Think figure now is considered more 1 in 5... which is grim but...

Who is to say he raped her? Prostitution or paying for sex in a private place is not illegal. Yes there is a fair chance she was trafficked or forced into it, but there is also a fair chance that she was not. I don’t agree at all with what he did, but you cannot say with certainty that he raped her.

It would be a no from me.

If he'd been 20 when it happened, maybe. You're still young, stupidly horny, a bit of an idiot at that age and less able to hold your drink

However by 31, I'd expect him to have gotten to a point in his life where he didn't make stupendously stupid decisions while a bit pissed, and had also realised by that point in his life that most prostitutes are not there by choice.

I'm 40, and male, the only thing I've desperately needed to buy while steaming drunk is a McDonald's. Bin him and find someone who can say the same.

I asked six months into a beautiful relationship

Now there's a headf@@k. And yes he was same age when it happened, not 18. But it had been 17 years before we met.

" I also do want to say that I do not view it the same as rape - I agree it certainly could be similar IF it's coerced/sex trafficking and therefore rape in some situations and that is abhorrent if that's the case but we have no way of knowing if that's the case here. So I don't want to assume the worst case scenario of it being that.. "

It's because you don't know and only have this man's account of the event that you should assume the very worst instead of hoping for the best.

Please raise your standards.

What @HerAvatar said. In spades.

A guy posted here about using a prostitute twice when in his late teens and I felt far more sympathetic than I do towards your partner. I felt quite sick reading your OP, I'm really sorry.

Misogyny is the air we all breathe, I get that it can be hard for people to see it growing up. But this guy was in his 30s and still thought that buying a woman to share with his friend, like a sandwich, was ok. Tbh the separate rooms detail makes it even worse for me. It wasn't one big drunk sexy time together. It was treating her more like a toilet, an object you use for a basic need, alone.

If someone cheats on you, you can think "ok I will cheat too, see how you like it". But there's no equivalent to this that your partner will ever experience. He will never belong to the class of human that it is acceptable to objectify, dehumanise and buy.

Men that view women as commodities are utterly depraved and morally bereft. I would cut all association.

Would you recommend your black friend has a relationship with a guy who was in the BNP in his early 30s?

Would you sell a puppy to a guy who abused animals in his early 30s?

Not sure if this will come across the right way, but here goes.

We all have a past. His is now slightly marred in your view. If you've had the chat, and your happy with his response then I'd take him at his word. I know I'm a different person now than I was 13 years ago.

So people are never allowed to change? You don't agree with rehabilitation? Mistakes are for life?

That's not to say op has to accept it, I wouldn't but then I also wouldn't ask about a past.

Just reading this has given me the huge ick.

I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way again. Yuck

I think there's a difference between giving someone a chance as a friend or colleague and getting involved as an intimate partner. Far easier to walk away from abuse if you aren't sexually and romantically involved.

The issue with rehabilitation is that it requires the right environment and it requires that the person wants and understands rehabilitation. Our society remains deeply misogynist and there was nothing in the OP to suggest that this bloke is doing anything to repair his part in it.

Np thanks, I'd be out of that door quicker than a flash. No respect for women at all.

Honestly OP it's up to you where you set your bar for acceptable behaviour (both previous and current). But - he wasn't a teenager / v young adult at the time this happened. He SHARED a prostitute with his friend...just...revolting.

It would be a no from me and I've been out with some absolute twats in my time. Even in my younger days, when I associated with a lot of 'dodgy' characters and used recreational drugs, this would just be seen as fucking low.

You'll get a range of views here and it sounds like you really want to accept this and move on (which is completely fair enough, btw). I think you need to be really honest with yourself whether you can accept that he has the capacity to do something so disgusting, even if you're confident he wouldn't do it again.

This specific scenario is so objectionable though. It's the deeply premeditated, organised with a friend aspect of it that makes it so awful. So much more than something like an infidelity, or even using a prostitute alone when much younger.

It indicates contempt and dehumanising of women beyond the normal level that most men have.

I’m sort of missing the point, but did those websites even exist 13 years ago? I thought they were far more recent than that.

The fact that they both did it to that poor woman makes it even more grim. And It is akin to rape, imo… you can’t “buy” consent

Yeah that would be a no from me.
Bad enough that he used a human being in way but sharing her with his mate like a sodding cake. Gross!

I don’t think it’s about forgiveness as such as it’s not something he has done to you personally and it was something years ago before he knew you. It’s whether you think he is genuinely a different person to the one who did that. Given that it sounds like he’s still mates with this person he did it with, I would be cynical. I think there’s a lot of aspects to consider. Have you ever met the friend he did this with? And how would you feel now if he’s ever on a night out with this person? What’s his relationship history been like since, how does he talk about his ex’s? I would also be worried there’s more he’s left out as usually people admit half truths. So if he’s told you all this, it would make me worry what else there is. Only you can decide if you can move past this, I just don’t think I personally could. It’s grim behaviour really between him and his friend when in their 30s.

Same here.

Difficult one as you asked him the question and we must always be prepared for an answer we don’t like.

he was honest…. I can’t imagine him lying about this. But who knows…. They might have picked her up off the street or met a girl in a club and he is just sanitising it a bit.

I don’t think anyone can advise here. It’s a little like an affair we all have different boundaries and lines of forgiveness. My issue would be that I couldn’t erase that thought from my mind. It would always be there and would I ever trust him 100%not to do it again if the circumstances were right?

I would perhaps have a few weeks break from contact with him and see how I feel. You are in the honeymoon period at the moment and 5 weeks is nothing. Take a break from him. Reset your boundaries and then see how you feel.

I think the problem is he was able to get turned on by paying for consent.

If he'd had sex with a child then regretted it I'm sure the OP would run, even if he claimed to be a different person now.

Only OP knows if she can look at him the same way. How grim.

I think it depends on you.

He acknowledges what is wrong about this and has respected you enough to be honest. 13 years ago is a long time and people do make mistakes that they regret. 13 years ago I was a totally different person and certainly did things I would never do now.

I think if you can get past it it’s not out if the question to give him a chance.

It just depends how you now feel about him, knowing what you do.

Yeah I view this the same way.