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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Bigolbuttt · 02/08/2023 12:06

It wouldn’t bother me. We all do things we regret .

YouAreNotBatman · 02/08/2023 12:06

🚫No,No and No🚫

What a red flag.
And honestly, I don’t really believe men and their ’regrets’ and ’shames’ afterwards.

I wouldn’t want to know a man like this, forget dating one.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 02/08/2023 12:07

*wash

  • Together 20 years ago

Blimey so many words missing!

Uremindmeofthebabe · 02/08/2023 12:10

Really not high end at £200.

I find it a bit odd how you are giving him questions to answer regarding past sexual experiences.

You've really opened up a can of worms in what you've found out.

I guess the balls in your court now and only you can make the decision.

hairyunicorn · 02/08/2023 12:12

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, sounds like it was a was a long time ago and he has been honest about it.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:12

If he admitted to rape in the past would you continue to be involved with him?
For me, it's the same.

Nel1985 · 02/08/2023 12:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 12:15

No, I wouldn't want to be involved with him despite his apparent embarrassment.

Dombasle · 02/08/2023 12:15

High end? £100 each. No. That's NOT high end.

I wonder why he had to tell you about this grubby and sordid occasion if as he says his friend and he have never spoken about it since.

You would have no way of finding out if it never went further than the pair of them so I think he's told you because he wants to get his version of events in first as it's likely there may be some male humour teasing amongst his friends that you may hear at a later date if your relationship with him progresses.

People often admit to doing something once when in reality it's usually more.

FriendsDrinkBook · 02/08/2023 12:15

I'd be genuinely concerned that there was more to tell.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/08/2023 12:16

i would have thought it would be a deal breaker for me, but having spoken to someone I cared about who admitted to doing this, and his ‘reasons’ etc I actually respected his honesty as he had absolutely no reason to tell me. Other than not wanting to start things off on a lie. He was dealing with plenty of issues of his own and this was part and parcel of that I think.

I agree wholeheartedly with those saying that the terminology around “ordering one to share” is disgusting. But the act itself as a drunken one-off is probably something more men than you’d like to imagine have done. They just lie about it.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 12:16

Bigolbuttt · 02/08/2023 12:06

It wouldn’t bother me. We all do things we regret .

I've never paid someone for sex, I've never raped anyone, it wouldn't ever enter my mind to do either.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/08/2023 12:17

But also, don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answer to! If someone asked me eg how many men I’d slept with, I wouldn’t tell them, as I don’t think it’s relevant or helpful to know.

Zanatdy · 02/08/2023 12:18

It’s in his past, I wouldn’t be too impressed but I wouldn’t let it affect the relationship if I really liked him. He could have easily have lied but chose not to, that’s got to stand for something? He’s honest, give him that at least

Zanatdy · 02/08/2023 12:19

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:12

If he admitted to rape in the past would you continue to be involved with him?
For me, it's the same.

It’s not the same though is it? Not at all

Clymene · 02/08/2023 12:22

Zanatdy · 02/08/2023 12:18

It’s in his past, I wouldn’t be too impressed but I wouldn’t let it affect the relationship if I really liked him. He could have easily have lied but chose not to, that’s got to stand for something? He’s honest, give him that at least

He's told her a version of events. It doesn't mean he's honest.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/08/2023 12:24

I'd be wary he disclosed this to test where your boundaries are op, there's plenty of men who wouldn't do this go find one of them instead.

mixedpressings · 02/08/2023 12:25

Pm me if you want to chat as dont want to lay it all out.

Similar experience. I stayed with him. Despite total revulsion. Posted on here. Relationship has been very good. But my feelings very Complicated. Threads like this trigger it all again.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:25

Zanatdy · 02/08/2023 12:19

It’s not the same though is it? Not at all

Show quote history

It is to me.
Smacks of male entertainment to women's bodies. I want so I take.

TheLeadbetterLife · 02/08/2023 12:25

His minimising this as a drunken mistake doesn't add up at all.

He and his friend would have had to be sufficiently in control to have the conversation, search for a prostitute, order and wait for her, and probably withdraw cash too. That's not a spontaneous drunken action, like a snog or even a shag with someone he met on a night out.

It's not like he was young and stupid, either. He was in his 30s.

There is no way I would be able to move past that knowledge.

mixedpressings · 02/08/2023 12:26

BigPussyEnergy · 02/08/2023 12:17

But also, don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answer to! If someone asked me eg how many men I’d slept with, I wouldn’t tell them, as I don’t think it’s relevant or helpful to know.

This is true. Difficult isn't it as we want to know this type of thing. When do you ask - not the first date?

And then if you are sometime into a really good relationship wise wine you trust, and then you ask... difficult.

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 12:26

Lol @ £200 being high end!

wayyour · 02/08/2023 12:27

Sorry to be harsh but I'm surprised you need to ask.

Great that he's been truthful about it, but I wouldn't get involved with someone who would use people like that.

mixedpressings · 02/08/2023 12:27

...with someone you trust

Original poster
namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 12:27

I am reading the comments and trying to process them. Thank you.

I also do want to say that I do not view it the same as rape - I agree it certainly could be similar IF it's coerced/sex trafficking and therefore rape in some situations and that is abhorrent if that's the case but we have no way of knowing if that's the case here. So I don't want to assume the worst case scenario of it being that..

I guess it goes back to the main point of "can you ever forgive someone for something like this?" and is there a comparable? It's legal in the UK and apparently 1 in 10 men have admitted having sex with a prostitute so I suspect the number is higher so probably lots of men I would know have done that and I we just don't know about it.. (I googled)

And I believe he told me the truth because we have been very open and truthful about lots of things - particularly sex - and he felt that this was something special/going somewhere special and wanted to be honest with me. I do regret asking and I'm sure he regrets telling the truth now but he is willing to discuss it and try to reassure me he also feels it's awful and would never do it again but can't change the past etc..

OP posts: