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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
Letsrunabath · 01/08/2023 22:32

So sorry to hear your situation, have no experience but didn’t want to read and move on.
keep the high ground you have done nothing wrong.

Whattodo112222 · 01/08/2023 22:35

Hi OP. I'm so sorry to read this. It's really important you take some time to process what you've found out. There was a user on here recently who found out her husband was cheating and they were also on holiday. Can't remember her username but search the relationships board, she received a lot of support and good advice and I hope you do too.
You get through the holiday as best as you can with your children and leave him to get on with his.

FlamingoFloss · 01/08/2023 22:36

Hand hold right here my lovely. You’re in shock right now. This is an awful thing to find out.
how long until you’re home from holiday?
sending you massive hugs xx

Duckafuk · 01/08/2023 22:38

Just do an hour at a time @SensetheTone , no need to make any decisions yet.

Callyem · 01/08/2023 22:38

Oh so sorry x especially as you are away and so can't turn to family for support or get away from him. How old are your children?

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:39

Thank you. We’re coming home on Saturday. I don’t know if I can pretend for the children for all that time. The older one knows something is going on and was sobbing in bed tonight - I am in with him now. I hate what H has done to me but really fucking despise him for doing this to our kids.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:40

Cripes. That sounds utterly shit.

Moving forward is probably a task for 'tomorrow you'.

For tonight, are the kids abed? Do you feel safe? Do you want a listening ear or the duck protocol?*

*duck protocol= when many wise MNers come together and help you make lists of practical next steps.

ladygoingGaga · 01/08/2023 22:41

Another hand hold. You are going to need time to process this and consider your options. There may well be begging or other behaviour - ignore, it will be aimed at trying to get you to say/do something you may regret later.
Take each min/hour/day at the time.

MillWood85 · 01/08/2023 22:41

Can you try and get home?

It's not going to be much of a holiday for any of you.

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 22:43

How about. I'm sorry. I think for the kids you will have to try and get through until Saturday unless flying home early is an option.

Have you got proof, screen shots etc?

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'd be getting into serious practical mode.

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:43

Callyem · 01/08/2023 22:38

Oh so sorry x especially as you are away and so can't turn to family for support or get away from him. How old are your children?

They are seven and five. You’re right, it’s the not being able to get away from him that’s the problem. I also don’t want to leave my precious babies with him.

We are supposed to be having a jolly dinner tomorrow night with the other people staying here (it’s like a collection of cottages) and I can’t face it but also don’t want the children to miss out as they are looking forward to it and want to keep things as normal as possible for them.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/08/2023 22:44

How old are the kids?

Has your husband admitted it now?

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:44

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:40

Cripes. That sounds utterly shit.

Moving forward is probably a task for 'tomorrow you'.

For tonight, are the kids abed? Do you feel safe? Do you want a listening ear or the duck protocol?*

*duck protocol= when many wise MNers come together and help you make lists of practical next steps.

The children are asleep - both in bed with me. I think the duck protocol would help as it is just so overwhelming thinking how we would go about separating.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:44

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:43

They are seven and five. You’re right, it’s the not being able to get away from him that’s the problem. I also don’t want to leave my precious babies with him.

We are supposed to be having a jolly dinner tomorrow night with the other people staying here (it’s like a collection of cottages) and I can’t face it but also don’t want the children to miss out as they are looking forward to it and want to keep things as normal as possible for them.

Show quote history

Are you in the UK right now?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/08/2023 22:45

I don't know how you're 7yr old could have grasped what's gone on?
You're going to have to be strong for the children until you get home and can make a plan

Deloresadores · 01/08/2023 22:45

Oh no OP I’m so sorry. Can you call anyone to talk it over with? Make it clear to him he needs to find somewhere else to stay when you get home.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/08/2023 22:46

I'm sorry your going through the op but you have to put a brave face for your dc. 7 years is very young to have an idea and understanding of what's going on. Could you get seperate accommodation?

Callyem · 01/08/2023 22:47

4 days is a long time to keep up a façade. I would look into returning early of at all possible x

SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 22:48

Could you make your husband go home? If you could cope with the irony you could tell people you're having dinner with tomorrow that he has a work emergency? That would give you a bit of space to consider your next move.

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:48

ladygoingGaga · 01/08/2023 22:41

Another hand hold. You are going to need time to process this and consider your options. There may well be begging or other behaviour - ignore, it will be aimed at trying to get you to say/do something you may regret later.
Take each min/hour/day at the time.

That’s the thing - he hasn’t even begged. He apparently “needs time to get his head together” as this (i.e. my finding out) has all come as such a shock to him. The fact that, it transpires, the OW’s husband has known for a fortnight, has not stopped it from being a shock. He is so fucking selfish.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:49

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:44

The children are asleep - both in bed with me. I think the duck protocol would help as it is just so overwhelming thinking how we would go about separating.

Show quote history

OK, let's get these ducks in a row.

(I'll often come across as quite glib, I'm not, it's just how I communicate, and sometimes even in the midst of the worst times, one has to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. I'm in no way minimising what you're feeling just so you know).

I think the first part is paperwork, passports, pensions. The wiser MNers will want to know who owns the house, are you joint tenants or tenants in common and if neither have you contributed significantly to any improvements.

Is he self employed or employed?

Theres some other bits I'm forgetting.

How likely is he to be a prick about this?

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:49

MillWood85 · 01/08/2023 22:41

Can you try and get home?

It's not going to be much of a holiday for any of you.

I know, but I don’t think it’s going to be any better at home. I feel as though I want to try to give the children a decent approximation of a holiday at least. What a fucking mess.

OP posts:
zgirldreamsoftulum · 01/08/2023 22:50

Dear OP
Handhold from here. Been where you are right now and then some. It's truly truly shitty.
Sending you big hugs. Xxx

cleanbreak2022 · 01/08/2023 22:50

This is utterly shit. Come home early, tell your 'D'H to stay and finish the trip, giving you a few days at home. This will give you some headspace and time to get the 'duck protocol' in action.

One minute at a time. This is a shock and it hurts so badly. You will feel every emotion and all of them are normal. You have to go through them all, it's a stage process. You can't navigate the stages with him in your ear.

Tonight I want you to hug your babies, that's it. That's all you have to do tonight.

Tomorrow, we'll all be here for your next steps.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/08/2023 22:51

Op I've been there with a cheating partner i get the hurt the betrayal. However you need to refocus your attention on your children especially the older one at 7 he shouldn't know. This needs to be handled with care or he will remember the breakdown of his parents relationship on holiday.

Get seperate rooms if possible
Return home or alternatively he returns home.
If you can't be civil say away from one another
Don't argue infront of the children.

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