Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

So sorry OP.

No way would I be leaving the DC with their father in this situation. At the very least, they may hear him on the phone to OW now the shit’s hit the fan, or he might take refuge in booze, or even worse when he realises the implications of what he’s done.

If you’re only in Europe, do you have any close friends/family members who could fly over to support you/get you home?

I’d be leaving asap with DC. Even if it meant flight changes. I’d do anything for my DC but I wouldn’t carry on as normal in this scenario as they’ll sense it anyway and it’ll scare them/upset them even more. You’re not a bloody robot and you’re entitled feel how you feel. Better to be home with support from friends/family to take DC out of the way.

Problem is leaving with DC if he doesn’t want you to and it escalates.

In that case, I’d probably book another room for tomorrow night as you’ve planned (may not be possible if no room’s available though) then leave with the DC during the night.

Get a head start with kicking him out. Which I would do no matter that people will tell you that you can’t. If he tries to get back in, it’s him that looks like an idiot.

If you’re still there for dinner tomorrow night, tell the other couples that you unfortunately don’t feel up to attending as you’ve just found out your H is a cheating piece of shit but he’ll come with the DC as they are looking forward to it.

How would a child grasp what is going on??

Ok so......bearing in mind that the OP is abroad, her kids are having fun (ish), flights are v expensive and if her STBXH wakes and finds them all gone and reports it to the police, she could be stopped at the airport..... all this "Fucking leave him there and go home" might be well intentioned but rather impractical.

@SensetheTone OP, I would go for doing your holiday with your children and ignoring him. Do what the kids want as if he isnt there. Yes you will be limited on transport but as you are in Europe nothing is so far away that you cant find fun. Pool and inflatables is enough for kids of their age.

He wants to navel gaze in the hope that you will forgive and forget, or in the hope that OW will leave for him.....whatever. You need to follow what you need and to hell with that pile of crap.

Then days one to 14 after the holiday must be spent self caring. First part is, he goes. He wont want to but the threat of telling everyone you know what he did will usually work for him to fuck off. If you work then speak to your manager about the situation to get, if not time off, then at least a bit of compassion. If that doesnt work then a sick note. Self care includes talking to people you trust and letting them look after you. It also includes not keeping this secret because you feel that it reflects on you. I did this and I have never regretted anything so much. When it all came out the disgust for him was never ending and equally the care for me has never stopped. This is his doing, not yours. You have nothing to feel bad about.

You are already invoking the Duck Protocol and you strike me as the sort that knows where all the important stuff is so I am sure that you will get on to that during your self care period when you have an up moment.

Because they speak the same language as their parents and can understand what they are saying.

I was a similar age when I first heard the word "Fuck" because it was used by my (very prim and proper) Mother when yelled at my Father that he had "fucked that tart". I didnt know the exact meaning but I understood the context and what it meant in relation to our family because for months and months one or the other of them was threatening to leave over it. I cried, my sister cried. And this was 1980 (ish).

Of course a 7 year old would understand.

Sorry, but the kids should never have been in a position to overhear.

Adults need to control themselves and not discuss this within earshot.

Sounds like hes ok that you know, probably was planning to leave you for OW.

Now be wary of him I fear his wheels are in motion to be with her so keep him all sweet until you've grabbed all paperwork.

Sleep with the passports under your pillow don't trust him at all hes a liar. Get home Saturday and change the locks start divorce proceedings Monday.

Don't bother talking to him just be more bullshit as he's good at that

Interesting!

Says the person who has never had to deal with shit like this.

Well I suppose I must apologise on the behalf of the rest of humanity that are not perfect.

In a small holiday place you can hear people 5 rooms away having a party/row. So bearing in the mind the hand grenade that this arsehole threw into the OP's life, I can understand that the "Whisper Row" isnt as quiet as she thought it was.

Feel free to post again when you have something helpful to the OP.....

I agree, although given that her DH has known for two weeks (according to the liar anyway), sounds like she wasnt going to do the same. So I wonder if he will decide that actually he wants to stay with the OP, because OW is no longer an option. I fell for that one too. OP should not be his "oh well, if OW doesnt want me, wife will do for the moment".

Seen this happen often on MN and in RL and nothing makes me happier than seeing a cheating arsehole end up on their own after thinking he had a woman on either arm!

Kids are surprisingly resilient and they will know many other kids in the same position. I know you want to be there for your kids, but that can be quality time outside of working hours.
So much more important for your kids short and long term is your financial security. A roof over their head today, and an elderly mum that is not living in poverty in the future. Do whatever it takes to level up and make it a high priority.

Sorry you are going through this, you will come out the other side and be a better and happier person 💐

Haven’t read all the comments so someone might have already suggested this but I think you need to get evidence. If things turn nasty further down the line and he wants to contest something in court or whatever he might just completely gaslight you and deny everything. The fact he has fully confessed now means nothing if you have no actual evidence of this or evidence of the cheating as he could just turn round and completely deny it. You need to either get messages or whatever as proof, financial info (spending on hotels etc?) or a recording or something. I’d imagine that none of these are actually treated as proper “evidence” in court but it may be sufficient to deter your prick of a husband from deciding to deny it all if it suits him.

@UnicornStarfish thankyou. Exactly the reaction I needed!

Also, the OW’s husband knows about the affair, so can corroborate ?

Just wanted to reach out and say that however dark things seem better days are ahead.

Am sorry this is happening to you.

I had the same experience on holiday 12 years ago. Kids were small like yours.

I now look back on that awful day as a major life changing / direction changing day. Life headed in another direction. And what a better happier life it has turned out to be.

Sorting out the legal and financial mess was hard. But today I have a better, lovely life with a wonderfully kind partner.

My children have grown up to be well adjusted young adults and happy ones too. The three of us have a very close relationship. The relationship with their dad - hmmm less so but he has reaped what he sowed.

You will go on to not just survive but thrive.

How awful for you op. I am very sorry that you are going through this but your seven year old should not be involved at this point.

Don’t let your dh take control. Too bad he is in shock eh? How very chivalrous of him. Just to be clear, you don’t owe him any loyalty now. Is there anyone staying in the group of cottages who you could safely confide in?

I would travel back separately with the dc , however inconvenient it might be, as symbolically it drives the message home that he is no longer worthy of your cooperation.

If you can, ask a family member to pick you up. Don’t tell your dh. Just act unilaterally from now on. He is on his own from this point on, facing the consequences of his grubby actions.

Him needing time to "get his head together" just means he needs time to see what his options are. He'll be planning to talk with the OW first to see if they can get together officially. If she says no, he'll try to stay with you. For a bit longer.

I'd focus on the next few days. Try to have fun with your kids. Can you take them out on your own? I'd tell your husband you need space away from him. If he's not a dick he will give you that.

When you get back you can start to make a plan-
Who's living where
Maintenance
Are you entitled to any benefits/support
Custody
What happens to house

Good luck op

its awful I’m sorry.
if at all possible, get a taxi to the airport and go home now.
All the best x

Two things: If you can drive phone up the car rental and ask them to put you on as a named driver, tell them what has happened and beg them.

The kids won’t know the difference if you come home today or tomorrow or Saturday.

What a scumbag.

I would spend the remainder of the week ignoring him and trying to ensure my children have a decent holiday.
then I would come home and throw him out

Sorry lovely. He's biding his time as an other poster said to see if his side piece is going to leave her husband. Fuck him. You concentrate on you and kids. I'd stick it out. You can keep an eye on him. Play it calm, let him wonder what you're thinking. When you get home sort paperwork. Make appointment with solicitor. Take back control as best you can.

I don't have personal experience of this but plenty of my friends have. Three months is a short time to decide to leave a marriage (I think your husband is minimising the relationship). If the OW has told her husband I'm surprised he didn't tell you unless she has agreed to stop seeing your H. For what it's worth can you call your parents, siblings? I had two brothers and either would have come and got me. At least get someone to collect you from the airport as the pp said. Have you got your own money? Make sure you have some funds for legal advice. Sometimes you need to pay £500 to have an initial meeting. Solicitors wait for their fees if you have enough assets. I am sorry. Be strong for your kids and get your angry pants on when you get home. Bastard.

I completely agree. I feel as though he is assessing whether OW is willing to leave her husband and kids and run off into the sunset with him and if she says no, he’ll come back to me. I have told him as much, and also that I have too much self-respect to be the second choice. If he really wanted to make it work he would be begging for forgiveness and offering to do whatever it takes to make it work. He hasn’t even ended things with the OW.

I have told him to leave and find somewhere else to stay. I am fine when I’m on my own with the children and we have plenty to entertain them where we are so we’ll just stay here until Saturday, then head home, take a deep breath and start a new life without him.

Thank you so much for all your messages of support. I have had a little bit of sleep and am ready to put my game face on and make the holiday as much fun as I can for the children.