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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
Sodullincomparison · 01/08/2023 23:24

OP, sending you lots of support. How awful for you to find this out whilst away from home and dependent on him for transport.

can you get taxis? I’m a homing pigeon when anything goes wrong so I’d be packing now and leaving first thing in the morning to get back to my safe ground.

you must be so strong to have even got through tonight. 💪 you’ve got this - just take it step by step.

sentinent · 01/08/2023 23:24

My only contribution is (having been where you are now years ago), is how you handle the coming days is crucial with regard to future impact on your children. ie. make them feel secure.

Edders71 · 01/08/2023 23:26

Cordeliathecat · 01/08/2023 23:19

I’d be on the first flight home tomorrow morning with my children but without him. Get up with the dawn, into a taxi and straight to the airport whilst he’s still asleep.

I couldn’t play happy families till Saturday. Kids will see straight through it anyway. Come home, be with family and friends and take care of yourself. You can take the kids away on holiday when things have settled down and you have healed.

Completely agree with this too. Four days is a long time to try and maintain a facade. You need to be near friends and loved ones for support. Get home pack his things and mark your territory.

TheaBrandt · 01/08/2023 23:28

Yeah I think they’re right. You can’t stay on this “holiday “. A hand grenade has gone off in your life you can’t sip pina coladas by the pool and make small talk with randoms you’re not in that frame of mind. Go home to your family and friends.

momonpurpose · 01/08/2023 23:28

I just want to send you a hug ❤️

Conkersinautumn · 01/08/2023 23:31

Often I see advice about finances. If you have access to joint accounts get screen shots, same with savings. It keeps expenses clear. If you don't have this access then as much info as you can about accounts he holds, cards you share, bills etc. Boring but so important so you can figure out some practicalities.

You can also book an appointment with a solicitor fairly easily, Google local ones, check their £ and reviews - maybe use someone a friend has used before? I know that feels massive though I put it off for ages, out of weird loyalty (?) But as well as guiding you through it they're great to get that sense of taking the reins.

BreadInCaptivity · 01/08/2023 23:38

Cordeliathecat · 01/08/2023 23:19

I’d be on the first flight home tomorrow morning with my children but without him. Get up with the dawn, into a taxi and straight to the airport whilst he’s still asleep.

I couldn’t play happy families till Saturday. Kids will see straight through it anyway. Come home, be with family and friends and take care of yourself. You can take the kids away on holiday when things have settled down and you have healed.

I was about to post similar.

The holiday is ruined regardless. You cannot be expected to carry on regardless and your child won't benefit from you trying to do so.

They would be better off at home with you where you can get some real life support.

Tell your children you need to go home because whilst daddy loves them very much he's decided he doesn't love mummy anymore and that you are upset and need to be at home to be with people (including them) who care for you. Don't tell them gory details but also don't lie.

Invoke the duck protocol.

  • Go home.
  • get copies of all financial info (bank accounts, pay slips, pensions, investments, mortgage details). This includes any accounts for the children.
  • find a safe place for passports, birth certificates etc (potentially with friends/family)
  • get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) asap
  • tell everyone what's happening (it's not up to you to be embarrassed or keep this a secret)
  • remember he's got a head start (especially if the OW's partner knows which suggests he was planning to leave so they can be together).
  • don't trust his family, even if you get on well with them. Tell them what's happening but don't share any future plans.

The slightly good news is that you are on holiday until the weekend, so if you hightailed it back to the UK you have time off work to play catch up on him.

Flowers
UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 23:39

OP, now's the time to lose your mind. You need to focus on the future
Go home, look up all important documents, make copies, put them away safely, look up papers regarding his pension and wages, put away papers relating to all assets you owe, get bank statements (those are super important). Scan what you can and keep in the cloud, organise all files properly. Can you get copies of the affair (namely pictures of texts)? Start redrawing money from joint accounts slowly and putting it aside (I'm not saying the lot but a little more than you normally would).
Go and see a solicitor and an accountant (if need be). Start looking for a FT job or talk to your manager to up your hours if possible.
Look for more permanent childcare, talk to your parents, talk to your friends, do you have a good friend who's divorced? That friend should be a good source of advice.
Deal with facts, keep your head down, don't tell your husband to bugger just yet: get your ducks in row first, then kick him in the behind when it's all been lined up.
Then have a little cry. Cry a lot, scream, shout, break something, lose your mind, go crazy, then let the air in an out of your lungs slowly and move on. This too shall pass and you'll be all the better for it. It will get better. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to find the stair out the well and come into the light.

Scarfweather · 01/08/2023 23:39

Sending solidarity. What a horrible thing to have to be dealing with. You and the children deserve so much better, and once out the other side of this, things will get better xxx

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 23:40

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 23:39

OP, now's the time to lose your mind. You need to focus on the future
Go home, look up all important documents, make copies, put them away safely, look up papers regarding his pension and wages, put away papers relating to all assets you owe, get bank statements (those are super important). Scan what you can and keep in the cloud, organise all files properly. Can you get copies of the affair (namely pictures of texts)? Start redrawing money from joint accounts slowly and putting it aside (I'm not saying the lot but a little more than you normally would).
Go and see a solicitor and an accountant (if need be). Start looking for a FT job or talk to your manager to up your hours if possible.
Look for more permanent childcare, talk to your parents, talk to your friends, do you have a good friend who's divorced? That friend should be a good source of advice.
Deal with facts, keep your head down, don't tell your husband to bugger just yet: get your ducks in row first, then kick him in the behind when it's all been lined up.
Then have a little cry. Cry a lot, scream, shout, break something, lose your mind, go crazy, then let the air in an out of your lungs slowly and move on. This too shall pass and you'll be all the better for it. It will get better. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to find the stair out the well and come into the light.

NOT to lose your mind! Obviously! Keep your cool

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 23:46

I disagree you should end it now. I wouldn't. You need to bid your time and sort things out unless you can carry the house and the kids by yourself now. You work PT only. You need to bring in the cavalry. You kick him out now and you'll be in the dumps with no plan. Don't put yourself in that position. It's hard, without a doubt, it'll be hard, but think of your kids. Bleed him dry, take him to the cleaners, suck his life out of him and do it well, do it in a way it'll be fast and swift, without him seeing it coming. Don't give him time to prepare.

tachetastic · 01/08/2023 23:50

I have no idea of the gender of other Mumsnetters that have posted on this thread, but I wanted to say that men also think your DH is being a dick.

I think it is up to you whether you stay until Saturday or whether you go home, but for the sake of your kids I would suggest that you try to stay calm in front of them no matter how you feel. They will know something is wrong and will accept going home early if that is what you decide, but they will find it much harder to understand and deal with screaming rows in a foreign place, or mum stuffing clothes into a suitcase while sobbing. I am not suggesting that you hide your feelings totally, but wait until the kids are on familiar territory with their own bed, teddies and friends around them before they have to deal with the mess that adults create.

calmcoco · 01/08/2023 23:52

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:43

They are seven and five. You’re right, it’s the not being able to get away from him that’s the problem. I also don’t want to leave my precious babies with him.

We are supposed to be having a jolly dinner tomorrow night with the other people staying here (it’s like a collection of cottages) and I can’t face it but also don’t want the children to miss out as they are looking forward to it and want to keep things as normal as possible for them.

Show quote history

Just tell the kids you have a headache, and your H can take them. You can have a bit of time to think.

TeaMistress · 01/08/2023 23:59

I'm so sorry OP. I think you need to get yourself and the kids on a plane home. Can you move your flight home from Saturday to the next available flight tomorrow. You and the children need to be somewhere safe and familiar and near family support so you can start to put the practicalities in place.

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 00:01

Another idea: you fly home alone and leave the kids with the husband. Change only your flight and get the ball rolling on your end.

momonpurpose · 02/08/2023 00:02

UnicornStarfish · 01/08/2023 23:39

OP, now's the time to lose your mind. You need to focus on the future
Go home, look up all important documents, make copies, put them away safely, look up papers regarding his pension and wages, put away papers relating to all assets you owe, get bank statements (those are super important). Scan what you can and keep in the cloud, organise all files properly. Can you get copies of the affair (namely pictures of texts)? Start redrawing money from joint accounts slowly and putting it aside (I'm not saying the lot but a little more than you normally would).
Go and see a solicitor and an accountant (if need be). Start looking for a FT job or talk to your manager to up your hours if possible.
Look for more permanent childcare, talk to your parents, talk to your friends, do you have a good friend who's divorced? That friend should be a good source of advice.
Deal with facts, keep your head down, don't tell your husband to bugger just yet: get your ducks in row first, then kick him in the behind when it's all been lined up.
Then have a little cry. Cry a lot, scream, shout, break something, lose your mind, go crazy, then let the air in an out of your lungs slowly and move on. This too shall pass and you'll be all the better for it. It will get better. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to find the stair out the well and come into the light.

This is the absolute truth! You will be better from this. You don't see it now but you will bloom

IHateLegDay · 02/08/2023 00:06

Sending a handhold.
I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your children.

SadieOlsen · 02/08/2023 00:07

Cordeliathecat · 01/08/2023 23:19

I’d be on the first flight home tomorrow morning with my children but without him. Get up with the dawn, into a taxi and straight to the airport whilst he’s still asleep.

I couldn’t play happy families till Saturday. Kids will see straight through it anyway. Come home, be with family and friends and take care of yourself. You can take the kids away on holiday when things have settled down and you have healed.

I agree with this 100%
Very sorry OP. If you can get home, I would do. And tell people in real life back home. The holiday is not worth saving. Your little boy knows something is badly wrong. I would leave bastard there and get home and get sorted. Much love and don't forget to drink and eat.

Diorinthecountryy · 02/08/2023 00:22

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Treesinmygarden · 02/08/2023 00:24

You deserve better than this pondlife! x

Avatartar · 02/08/2023 00:27

If you come home early without H you can find all the paperwork. Can you bring the DCs too and let them stay with relatives while you rant about the house and get what you need? I wouldn’t kick him out yet, use him as your on hand baby sitter, shared cook, cleaner etc - really hard but he’ll hate it as much as you and hopefully feel guilty at how shit he’s making the family feel, try and stay upbeat with the DCs about - awful situation- you don’t deserve this. I hope they run off together and it implodes

JFDIYOLO · 02/08/2023 00:35

Staying on holiday playing the happy family lie to a bunch of strangers while you're a plane ride away from all family and friends' support may not be the best option for your wellbeing. Home and support is what you need.

I would be arranging flights home for me and the children tomorrow, telling him to remain and finish the holiday, and leave you some space and time to process.

YOU are the one who has had a shock and is having to deal with it all. Not him. Keep that straight.

Don't leave solo leaving the kids with him - he'll start putting his own spin on it and influencing their minds. Take them home. They know something's happened.

Get those ducks lined up as others have posted.

All the best.

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 00:35

You could take the kids with you but that will leave him free to ponder, dwell and think. He's their dad, let him take care of the children, so his mind and hands are busy.

Weatherwax13 · 02/08/2023 00:39

@SensetheTone I've been through almost identical situation last month. Was essentially trapped in the holiday destination because of responsibility to others.
Just arrived home Friday.

Reeling.
I'm lucky DC are young adults and know nothing yet.
I just want to send a handhold as I'm still in nauseating shock and I get exactly what you're going through. Massive virtual hug

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 00:44

@Weatherwax13 Your soon-to-be-NDH is a fucking pig too. I hope he gets food poisoning, H. Pylori and Giardia. If you need Giardia I can probably make it happen 😉

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