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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 01/08/2023 22:51

Start making notes

One section about everything you're feeling
One section about what you know
One section practical - finances etc

Or you in UK or abroad?

purpleboy · 01/08/2023 22:52

What a shock. I'm so sorry you've found out this way.
Could he go home early? Move to different accommodation? Do you have time to process this away from him. Sounds like he isn't even sorry the bastard.

Isthisexpected · 01/08/2023 22:52

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/08/2023 22:45

I don't know how you're 7yr old could have grasped what's gone on?
You're going to have to be strong for the children until you get home and can make a plan

No you don't. You don't have to pretend. You can just say the holiday is ending early due to Daddy's work and come home.

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:52

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 22:43

How about. I'm sorry. I think for the kids you will have to try and get through until Saturday unless flying home early is an option.

Have you got proof, screen shots etc?

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'd be getting into serious practical mode.

No screenshots but he has admitted it. I became suspicious when he changed the passcode on his phone and changed the alerts so you can’t see who messages are from on the front screen. Today when we were out I saw him on his phone with it tilted away from us so sneaked round to the other side of the car and saw him messaging and a picture of a woman. I then asked him for his phone a bit later to get some photos from our son’s birthday and he refused to hand it over, so I confronted him and he admitted it.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 01/08/2023 22:53

That’s the thing - he hasn’t even begged. He apparently “needs time to get his head together” as this (i.e. my finding out) has all come as such a shock to him. The fact that, it transpires, the OW’s husband has known for a fortnight, has not stopped it from being a shock. He is so fucking selfish.

Well he can get to fuck
A shock to HIM?

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 22:53

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 22:43

How about. I'm sorry. I think for the kids you will have to try and get through until Saturday unless flying home early is an option.

Have you got proof, screen shots etc?

I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'd be getting into serious practical mode.

So sorry not suggesting you should say say sorry, that was an auto correct fail - HOW AWFUL 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:53

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:44

Are you in the UK right now?

Show quote history

No, we’re abroad

OP posts:
Tilllly · 01/08/2023 22:55

Then you need a plan to get thru the next 4 days

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:55

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:53

No, we’re abroad

Show quote history

OK that's not ideal. But workable.

How abroad? France abroad or Bali abroad?

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:56

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/08/2023 22:53

So sorry not suggesting you should say say sorry, that was an auto correct fail - HOW AWFUL 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

That's so sweet. I got what you were trying to write after the second read though!

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:57

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/08/2023 22:45

I don't know how you're 7yr old could have grasped what's gone on?
You're going to have to be strong for the children until you get home and can make a plan

He heard us discussing it when he was in bed this evening. I feel awful. My poor baby.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 01/08/2023 22:57

In your shoes, I'd tell him to fuck off and finish out the holiday myself with the kids. He's an absolute sack of putrid shite. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 23:00

PrimalOwl10 · 01/08/2023 22:46

I'm sorry your going through the op but you have to put a brave face for your dc. 7 years is very young to have an idea and understanding of what's going on. Could you get seperate accommodation?

I know I do. I don’t want them to be any more hurt than they are going to be. I am going to suggest that H moves to different accommodation I think and we say to the children that he is working. Unfortunately he is the only driver on the hire car and we’re somewhere we need a car to get around. Otherwise I’d tell him to fuck off home.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 01/08/2023 23:02

How many more days of holiday do you have?

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 23:03

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:49

OK, let's get these ducks in a row.

(I'll often come across as quite glib, I'm not, it's just how I communicate, and sometimes even in the midst of the worst times, one has to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. I'm in no way minimising what you're feeling just so you know).

I think the first part is paperwork, passports, pensions. The wiser MNers will want to know who owns the house, are you joint tenants or tenants in common and if neither have you contributed significantly to any improvements.

Is he self employed or employed?

Theres some other bits I'm forgetting.

How likely is he to be a prick about this?

Show quote history

I have my and the DC’s passports. House is owned as joint tenants. He is employed. He claims he would never be a prick about the finances, but he has also been lying to me for three months so….

I work but only part-time so will need to think about whether it’s possible to go full-time - am really conscious I’ll need to be there for the DC though.

OP posts:
Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 23:06

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:55

OK that's not ideal. But workable.

How abroad? France abroad or Bali abroad?

Show quote history

In Europe

OP posts:
momtoboys · 01/08/2023 23:06

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Holding your hand virtually.

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 23:09

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 23:03

I have my and the DC’s passports. House is owned as joint tenants. He is employed. He claims he would never be a prick about the finances, but he has also been lying to me for three months so….

I work but only part-time so will need to think about whether it’s possible to go full-time - am really conscious I’ll need to be there for the DC though.

Show quote history

Yeah I agree we don't take "not being a prick" at face value.

For now, if you can, and I totally get that you probably can't, try and rest even if you can't sleep.

I'm up for a bit if you need to talk. If not I imagine the duck protocol team will be here in force tomorrow.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2023 23:09

I'm so sorry - it's all magnified when you are away and it's quite common for these things to come to light when away too- my friends H left his phone in his bag and went in sea- friend picked it up just to look at time as she had left gets on charge in room and there were messages on front screen.

I can't suggest what to do as don't know what set up you have on holiday or location- it's no point saying send him out into town every day if there's nothing round you.

Practically though I think you are going to have to power through this unless you can change flights or tunnel crossing etc

MrsBonBons · 01/08/2023 23:11

OP you WILL get through this. You are still in shock so take that in to account and do whatever is easiest for you to get through the next few days. If that’s going home then do that. I’m 10 months post discovery. It’s horrid but there is some great support on here from people who know how you feel. Sending love

rockingbird · 01/08/2023 23:15

I know you are in shock and it's all racing round in your head - been there! Best but if advice I got from someone on this board. Take stock and do nothing yet, you don't need to decide anything in a rush. Big girl pants on for the rest of the holiday and let that fecker stew. Keep it civil until you get home then ask him to pack his stuff and give you some space as soon as you are home! Make sure you eat, drink water and hug those children tightly. It saddens me every time I read yet another one of these stories and I'm so sorry it's happening to you. Hugs xx

Original poster
SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 23:16

Thank you everyone for your kind messages, it means a lot. I can’t talk to anyone in real life as I don’t want the children to hear me on the phone. I have told H he needs to find separate accommodation tomorrow and he says he will. I am going to try to get some sleep now but thank you again for the support.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 01/08/2023 23:18

There is never a good time to find out this kind of news. But being away from home does make it a bit harder. Sorry you and your dcs are going through this.
He needs to get his head together as he had no plans to get caught . Wonder how long he thought he could get away with it. Maybe OW is pressuring him to leave now her husband knows.
But you will be OK and so will your kids. He will have to make maintenance payments and the kids will see him regularly.

It is a horrible thing to have to go through . Many women on here have been in the same position and can hopefully give you good advice.

Cordeliathecat · 01/08/2023 23:19

I’d be on the first flight home tomorrow morning with my children but without him. Get up with the dawn, into a taxi and straight to the airport whilst he’s still asleep.

I couldn’t play happy families till Saturday. Kids will see straight through it anyway. Come home, be with family and friends and take care of yourself. You can take the kids away on holiday when things have settled down and you have healed.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 01/08/2023 23:22

Cordeliathecat · 01/08/2023 23:19

I’d be on the first flight home tomorrow morning with my children but without him. Get up with the dawn, into a taxi and straight to the airport whilst he’s still asleep.

I couldn’t play happy families till Saturday. Kids will see straight through it anyway. Come home, be with family and friends and take care of yourself. You can take the kids away on holiday when things have settled down and you have healed.

This

He's miles ahead of you already. I would be home and getting my ducks in a row before he's even aware I've left the apartment. The younger one won't give a rap and the 7yo knows it's all about to implode anyway.