Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

@SensetheTone it’s a good idea to tell someone trusted what is going on as you need their support. People who care about you will want to help and make sure you are ok.

Sorry if I’ve missed where you said it, but does the OW have children ?

He's struggling with the revelation. He was struggling when to tell you. He was struggling with wondering if OW's husband was going to tell you. He is struggling with not wanting to let he OW go, but not wanting you, his obvious second choice, to go since the first decision is out of his hands. Right?

Says it all about him really.

Get a good solicitor. Be prepared. He's

Probably not the first time - won’t be the last. Leave him and make your life better. I recommend chumplady.com for the low down on how to leave a cheater and why doing that it better than trying to stay. Your husband is actively harming you and your kids - that’s abuse. Don’t tolerate it.

I meant to say, you can still get the support you need if you tell people by text or email. Ask them not to call but to reply by text as you have your children with you.

I am supporting a very long term friend through a divorce, her DH was also unfaithful with a much younger colleague, they had been married for 25 years.

She actually struggled to physically speak for a couple of weeks and could only message. When I saw her and it all came tumbling out it was a relief. I hope you have someone in real life who will hug you and love you as we joked at the time through all the tears and snot. She actually has struggled far more with her children’s upset.

It’s a sort of grief you are experiencing and not to be under estimated.

Be very matter of fact about money, don’t make any hasty decisions and do not be fooled by any of his upset. He is upset he has been found out. I know some women stay with unfaithful husbands because the men manage to somehow elicit sympathy due to their upset, but you have to ask yourself how you would cope. I know what I’m like and it would be awful for everyone as I’m very much hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

@FancyFran can you believe today is one year on since the day I walked away with the dc. OP I was a mess, I'd blocked out all the awful stuff drinking wine and trying to patch up my sham of a marriage. It was just never going to work out! I was diagnosed with ptsd and still have the odd nightmare to this day. The amount of lies I was told and the extent of my stbxh affair was just mind blowing. I'll never forget that feeling of numbness.. I'd read countless threads on these board from others who had discovered their husband's infidelities, never did I imagine it would be me! You'll get all sorts of good advice here but I stand by what I've said, absorb this shit and do nothing until you are ready. Beware of hysterical bonding-it's a real thing!! It will get better, I promise you. Oh and yes I'm the queen of DIY 😆 and loving it.

Please tell family now, you will need help once you are home. Do any of your family have a key to your house ? If so ask them to get hold of all the paperwork and anything precious to you because believe me he will be a prick about money, he is going to need to finance another home so will need all the money he can get. Ideally you need a family member to be waiting for you when you get home as your Husband will need to be packing his stuff and leaving there and then.

Agree with this, but understand why you might want to just focus on your children.
Even texting your most trusty friend or sibling might help you feel less alone ?
Your husband - appalled by his “need to get his head together” etc. I suppose at least that tells you what sort of man he really is, and how little he cares about the impact on either you or the children. It might be harder if he was crying and grovelling.
In your place I would fly home, because the holiday is ruined already. I would fly home, make some arrangements for nice days out for the dc, and start the ball rolling in terms of separation. Especially if there is any chance of your husband flying back before you and leaving you all there. (This may seem unlikely, but my friend’s Dad did just that when she was little, leaving his pregnant wife and three children on another continent with no money).
Other women will have lists for you of what to get in order financially. Men tend to initially say that they will be decent about money , but very often they are not.
Do you have supportive parents ?
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. You sound an amazing mother and a strong person, you will get through this.

You cannot evict somebody from their own home, especially if they have a joint tenancy. That would be illegal.

I'd try to get him to sign the house over to you.

I asked him why he didn’t do me the courtesy of telling me himself rather than waiting for me to find out and he said he was struggling to find the right time

Never mind the birthday/anniversary, considering his family clearly aren't a priority for him right now - as BadNomad rightly said, his concern will be whether the OW is ready to make the jump so they can run off together into a "happy new life"

Except it's very unlikely to be happy on this basis, so while you're doing absolutely the rightg thing, do be prepared for him to come crawling back when the wheels fall off

that's not exactly a helpful or even useful post @Softoprider

It's not helpful but OP does need to protect her children right now and at 7 years old they should not even have an inkling of what is going on. I went through a divorce and my teenagers didn't know anything about it for months, until we had finances and everything sorted so we could tell them all the facts.

They could have overheard him talking loudly about it when parents thought he was asleep? Any number of things could have happened that were out of the control of the OP.

Save your breath to cool your porridge.

I cant think of one woman I know who hankers after the marriage once it has ended and emotions have been put in their place.

Yet I can think of plenty of men who do... He will 100% regret his actions. You wont ever need to.

We are stronger than we know @SensetheTone , especially when it comes to our "game face" and getting things together whilst H is still farting around trying to look like the wounded "poor me" person to his friends/family.

Try and enjoy your 3 days left of the holiday. Next phase of your life can wait. Easier said that done , I know. But you will be fine xx

OP, are you sure the OW's husband knows? Your husband might be saying that to you to stop you from contacting OW's husband. I would make sure he knows. I feel your pain

@Softoprider lol. OP is definitely the bad guy in this situation. Are you as hard of thinking as you are sanctimonious and misogynistic?

OP already said the child was in bed and overheard a conversation. Unless you were there, you have no idea if it was the cheating husband raising his voice.

Get a grip. Where do you stay when you go on holiday!? A mansion? I usually stay in tiny places so it's not like there's a lot of wiggle room to talk without kids listening and these kids are too young to be left alone. By the time I was 4 I always had my antennas up to hear what the adults were talking about.
My mum says I'd be busily playing with my toys, totally distracted and then repeate full conversations word per word 3 days later, nothing got past me.
"Unforgivable" is not a nice word to use in this situation. Not many people can keep their voice down when their life crumbles.

By the time I was 4 I always had my antennas up to hear what the adults were talking about

I was the only child in my family for five years so indulged a bit and allowed to stay up late with the grown ups. My uncle said once they'd be having an 'adult' conversation and suddenly remember that I was sitting in the corner, quietly earwigging.

So perfectly plausible that a 7 year old was awake and overheard something. As for 'unforgivable' - pp who said that, cop on to yourself.

I’d be surprised if she managed to not let her kids find out.

Infidelity causes a version of PTSD, PISD. The trauma is very similar to a death. The shock, hurt, confusion would cause a normal person, who loves their partner, to react. This may be rage, crying, disbelief, anger or shock. But it’s usual to react to a trauma and if the op got angry or sad then that is normal.

I reacted in a similar way when my grandmother died - I knew it was coming (she was in her mid 90s), but I was shocked and I cried non stop all day. I could not have hidden it from my children.

Her cheating loser husband who has caused this mess is to blame for the children’s upset. He should have had the integrity and morals not to betray his own vows. And had the guts to allow his wife an insight into his lies and deceit at a time when it was appropriate, maybe allowing her to join the happy party of extra marital activity that he was indulging in. But no he is a selfish man who wanted wifey to remain faithful while he (No doubt) lied to two women.

Does her husband really know?

Personally I’d contact the other persons husband and find out what he knows. For all you know your husband is lying. Your husband is a liar at the end of day, he has reduced ethics and morals - his word can’t be taken as true. He may not want you to contact the other husband to stop you blowing up the OW world or affecting her kids etc. He may have lied to her about things too. He may have other plans which they are hiding and it’s crucial her husband doesn’t know. They may have no intention of leaving so dont want him to know. It may have been going in for years and he may be a technical whizz who can read all their emails/texts. She may have told him he’s just a best mate. So the first thing I would do is call that husband, apologise for the intrusion and find out exactly what he knows.

So sorry to hear this OP, another handhold here.
and I agree, try your best to get through the holiday and then you can take all the time you need to decide your next steps.

And as for his "needs time to get his head together” shit, tell him he'll have plenty of time for that when you get home and he can fuck right off out the door.

It seems to be all about him. He din't tell you because HE couldn't find a good time. In 3 months??? Yeah ok buddy. But he sound slike an absolutel selfish piece of crap and isn't even devastated at what he has done to you - the woman he should love and protect.

He is very likely waiting to see what OW is going to do.
I'd take a read of the script if you haven't already, because he'll be starting that soon and it can get pretty brutal. Especially when he starts rewriting history. Just prepare yourself so you know what is inevitably going to come out of his mouth is a load of shite that 99% of cheating men spout. They are that fucking predictable.

Take the holiday time with your dc and avoid him as much as you can. And when you can't, keep it short, civil and act as though nothing is wrong. When you get home is when you can explode at him. Give him a nice sense of calm, it'll freak him right.

Oh and if you and the dc can get home without him, chuck his fucking passport in the sea. Inconvenience the hell out of him! He wants to act like a single bloke - let him sort that shit out all on his own.
And it'll also give you time when you get back to get your ducks in a row without having to look at the piece of shit.

Sorry, I can't help dwelling on this. I completely understand the OP feeling like the children must be near her. I understand the need for a mum to protect her cubs. What I don't understand is people thinking all of the sudden this father is a dangerous one, bound to harm the children, badmouth her and poison her relationship with the children in only a few days. Surely he can't be that terrible because if he is, there's much much bigger fish to fry than a divorce!