Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

Don’t worry, he won’t be here when I speak to her, and I have already changed the passcode on my phone which is where I’ve been doing everything (what’s sauce for the goose and all that)

Yes exactly! He was all “they’re my children, I haven’t done anything to them” - I begged to differ and pointed out that he had risked both their emotional and financial stability by cheating with someone at work, as they could end up coming from a broken home AND with a father with no job who can’t pay the mortgage. And earlier in the holiday, before I found out, he let me get up with them every morning and play with them etc. while he lay upstairs in bed (no doubt texting the OW). He wasn’t so interested in spending the holiday with them then.

It really does seem to be. He is minimising massively and completely failing to recognise how his betrayal has made me feel. I realised yesterday that he had made me organise a babysitter (paid for from the joint bank account) a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to go out with friends and he “had plans” - those plans were of course to go to a hotel with OW. When I said to him that I couldn’t believe his brass neck he went into “I can’t believe you’re making a fuss about a few quid for the babysitter” mode!!

He, s a selfish bastard. Little does he know what's coming to him.

OP sorry to hear you and the kids are going through this shit. What a Selfish bastard he is. Wait for the victim mode to kick in with him. Thats what happened with my ex when he cheated. But then , it just comfirmed to me what a pathetic piece of shit he was.
Wishing you lots of luck .

Yes exactly - apparently “it isn’t helping anyone” to keep raking over things. He seems to think that it’s akin to a disagreement over e.g. attending a family event that gets a bit heated, or one person denting the other’s car and refusing to take responsibility: the person who was in the wrong apologises once and that’s it - everyone moves on and it’s unreasonable to keep bringing it back up.

He doesn’t realise how long it will take to understand the full extent of the betrayal and how I will keep working out other lies he told or things that were false (e.g. our anniversary celebration) because of his deception. I am absolutely furious with him. He has shown such a nasty side over the last few days and that has really reinforced my view that it can’t work out in the long run.

With every update Op you sound like you’ll be well rid.
Totally grim getting you to arrange a babysitter so he could see ow.

Stay strong.

Honestly OP you are doing the right thing. Keep strong and focus on a brighter future without this awful cheating excuse for a man

Good Lord OP, he has the emotional depth of a bag of frozen peas!!!

When I said to him that I couldn’t believe his brass neck he went into “I can’t believe you’re making a fuss about a few quid for the babysitter” mode!!
Sorry, but that made me laugh out loud. What a prat!

The OW might have done you a favour in the long run.

He’s not on your team anymore. Good luck with the solicitor.

Just read the thread and your calmness is amazing @SensetheTone. I'm in awe of you.

@SensetheTone just popping on to say what a bi#ch the deleted poster was re your salary. You don't have confirm your profession but I sense you are a lawyer. However you jolly well earned the right to be paid well through 5/6 years of study. How bloody dare she. I am in the top 2% but now skint through illness. We have paid the big tax. If you are due anything you must have it. I am glad you can be paid well, you can have a lovely house of your own.
My mother (we will call her Lady Fran) was married three times, the last marriage to my late, great father. She was expert on men. She said if a man doesn't love you on the second date, he's not for you. He has to love you more. Anyone else is exercise!
Saucy but true. Men are simple creatures, only the three fs matter. Food, football (insert golf/ game boy etc.) and fornication. We are worth so much more. We are supporting you. X

He didn’t even organise the babysitter so he could meet up the OW 😵‍💫😵‍💫

That was crass. Really crass.

@FancyFran I agree. The OPs earnings are irrelevant- money and good earning potential may help you have a lot more choices going forward- but the feeling of being made a mug of and emotional upset doesn't go away just because your financial circumstances are different to others.

I didn’t see the post, but thanks for the support. I am so glad I didn’t give up work completely (I have been close many times) as that has given me options now rather than having to try to make things work with H out of fear or financial necessity.

Also H has of course been playing the role of father of the year today - he’s doing Lego, building train tracks, not getting snappy with them when they argue as he usually does….I am just staying out of the way until he fucks off tomorrow.

Seriously Op you should be bloody proud of yourself. Good luck tomorrow.
On a petty note I hope you haven’t unpacked or washed a single item of his.

I hope he stays away for a while. You may find once he realises divorce is inevitable he will return to the house so he can persuade/harass you in close proximity.

Isn’t it sad that he has taken to being father of the year as if that demonstrates he is a good person. The fact you point it out shows he doesn’t normally do it yet I guess by doing it now he is doing it for effect - it’s an act for you. He should have been doing that small thing since the kids were born. It’s a pathetic gesture.

I can’t believe he thinks you need to “move on” … no you don’t. He’s not even that sorry. You deserve so much better and you sound a lovely mum.

This is wise.

His behaviour on the journey really told you anything "extra" you needed to know. I think a few people have mentioned the Script, and he seems to be moving through it at pace. So perhaps thank heaven for small mercies, he's acting predictably and you can prepare for whatever is next.

Which is most likely trash talking you to anyone who will listen, including the children, when he realises that you're implacable and resolute in your next steps.

You've got your friend to lean on, hopefully your parents now too? Get your solicitor appt tomorrow done and then be prepared to lean. Lean on those people, because on here everything is just words. They may be heartfelt and they may be helpful but they're no substitute for your own family and friends, my sisters and my childrens' godparents whipped my kids out of my hands (with my consent and blessing) whilst I got my shit together, and whilst I fell apart.

Ah dad of the year has surfaced, been there - amusing. Having practically brought the children up singled handedly up until this point you'll know that act won't last long!! Prepare for the nasty streak to hit when he realises the games up. I was sent a monthly spreadsheet with incurred costs ffs.. ignore ignore ignore! He will try to get a ride out of your whichever way he can, take no notice. Focus on yourself and the kids and get your shit together. It will get easier, his life choices have caused this, not you or anything you have done. Wouldn't it be easy if it could all be brushed under the carpet and not spoken about.. again, this is no doubt what he's hoping for. When you least expect it those thoughts will ping into your head - the lies, the missing pieces coming together 😕 it's horrid and can cause terrible sleepless nights. Took me a while to realise it only gets better when you get out the situation. A year on - I'm a very different person, and you will be to. Sending love and strength your way xx

Please keep a note on your phone of all the stunts that twat has pulled like insisting on a babysitter when you had plans already to go out so he could meet the OW.

Have them at the tip of your tongue to roll off to people.

I absolutely wouldn't be protecting or lying for him.

He's having an affair with a colleague.

He's always been a shit father and now a shit husband.

I think you are going to view this as a huge gift within the year.

Make sure your children know the truth, in age appropriate language.....Daddy has a new friend and will no longer be living with you because of it.

Do not lie to the children.
Age appropriate language is key.

This is all on him.
Don't allow them to think that it is anything to do with them.

He really is the most selfish man.

At least you are getting to see him clearly.

Is that what you did when you're marriage imploded when you were on holiday with your young children?

@billy1966 good advice. Daddy has a new special friend and he won't be living with us any more is a very good line.
Like many women in this situation, it won't be long until you realise just what a deadweight he has been. I wish you and your little ones a much happier future. And as PPs have advised, lean on your true friends.

Echo what @billy1966 said (always gives good advice on other threads too). People need to know about this prick.
Ducks in a row, sort it out and hit him with it all. The adulterous immature prick