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Original poster

Wife doesn't want sex

275 replies

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 11:58

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 30/07/2023 12:05

Would be a dealbreaker for me. You are only 50 years old. The menopause is a bit of a red herring because you said she was like this before that started.

I would leave.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2023 12:07

Your wife has made it very clear where she stands and now it’s your turn. Your wife is entitled to not want sex ever again but she’s in a partnership, which means there will be consequences to that stance.

DixonD · 30/07/2023 12:09

You have only two choices if she’s absolutely dead set against having any sex. You leave or you accept it. There is no compromise- if she won’t agree to an open relationship.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 30/07/2023 12:10

I think your wife is being terribly unfair to expect you to live a celibate life.

AzureBlue99 · 30/07/2023 12:10

Why not ask her if she would mind you having sex with any one else. Just because she doesn't want sex, why should she make the decision for you? Could it be that she might find another partner reviving in the sexual sense too?

Original poster
studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:10

Just wish there was another alternative other than divorce. I just couldn't put myself, her and my children through that.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 30/07/2023 12:12

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:10

Just wish there was another alternative other than divorce. I just couldn't put myself, her and my children through that.

It probably is the number one reason for divorce.

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:14

If it's physically painful for her, it's understandable. The time leading up to menopause can be awful too, so that's probably why she was struggling with this in the years beforehand. It can last ten years before periods stop.

I'm going through all the rubbish now. It's truly awful. I do try but we don't have sex as often or as freely. Sometimes my symptoms make it unrealistic but I make the effort for him. Would your wife be willing to try sometimes, when she's feeling best? If not, would she be willing to try to please you in other ways?

HelpMeUnpickThis · 30/07/2023 12:17

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 12:05

Would be a dealbreaker for me. You are only 50 years old. The menopause is a bit of a red herring because you said she was like this before that started.

I would leave.

Deal breaker for me too @studyinscarlet

I am sorry this is happening but as someone else said your wife has made her position and you need to make your own position clear as well.

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 12:18

It's a really shit situation to find yourself in, OP.

I don't think there are any more options beyond those you've already outlined 😕

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 12:23

Her no desire shouldn't trump your needs and vice Verda.

You are at a stalemate. The fairest solution would be to divorce.

It's not about putting her and the kids 'through it' you have your own life to consider and I do not believe you are being selfish to consider the missing physical side of your relationship as being important.

As for using the menopause as an excuse I think that is low of her as I certainly didn't suffer a low libido or have any physical symptoms such as dryness. If I had, my husband and I would have dealt with the matter together and bought lubricants and sought ways to arouse each other.

She has her own red Asian for not wanting to be intimate, which is fair enough but it's cruel and selfish to expect you to stay married to her.

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 12:24

Oh dear Lord! autocorrect!

I'm sure your wife doesn't have a red Asian on the side! It's meant to say 'reason'!

Sorry about that!

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:27

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 12:23

Her no desire shouldn't trump your needs and vice Verda.

You are at a stalemate. The fairest solution would be to divorce.

It's not about putting her and the kids 'through it' you have your own life to consider and I do not believe you are being selfish to consider the missing physical side of your relationship as being important.

As for using the menopause as an excuse I think that is low of her as I certainly didn't suffer a low libido or have any physical symptoms such as dryness. If I had, my husband and I would have dealt with the matter together and bought lubricants and sought ways to arouse each other.

She has her own red Asian for not wanting to be intimate, which is fair enough but it's cruel and selfish to expect you to stay married to her.

You are very lucky. Look up genito-urinary syndrome of menopause. I didn't divorce my husband over his medical issues and he is supportive of me now. I do at least make an effort though.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 12:31

She has more than likely had the thought you would leave if she is this adamant about no sex so I'm sure if you approached her asking for a divorce she wouldn't be surprised, upset maybe but not surprised.

Justanything86 · 30/07/2023 12:31

Has she said why she doesn't want it? When I've gone off sex in the past is because I was depressed, on antidepressants or the person I was with didn't really make much effort to make it enjoyable for me or kept pestering to do things I didn't want to so I started to feel it wasn't worth it.

wutheringkites · 30/07/2023 12:32

Dombasle · 30/07/2023 12:23

Her no desire shouldn't trump your needs and vice Verda.

You are at a stalemate. The fairest solution would be to divorce.

It's not about putting her and the kids 'through it' you have your own life to consider and I do not believe you are being selfish to consider the missing physical side of your relationship as being important.

As for using the menopause as an excuse I think that is low of her as I certainly didn't suffer a low libido or have any physical symptoms such as dryness. If I had, my husband and I would have dealt with the matter together and bought lubricants and sought ways to arouse each other.

She has her own red Asian for not wanting to be intimate, which is fair enough but it's cruel and selfish to expect you to stay married to her.

So just because you didn't experience low libido during menopause are you saying that doesn't exist for anyone? Just an excuse women make up?

As for saying she is cruel, there is absolutely no indication here about what she would do if op says he wants a divorce. Perhaps she would accept it, you have no idea.

wutheringkites · 30/07/2023 12:34

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 12:31

She has more than likely had the thought you would leave if she is this adamant about no sex so I'm sure if you approached her asking for a divorce she wouldn't be surprised, upset maybe but not surprised.

Yeah, I agree with this.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/07/2023 12:34

If sex is important to you then you either leave the relationship or you grieve the sex.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/07/2023 12:35

With grief being a process that you move through and adapt to, if you choose

Luckydip1 · 30/07/2023 12:36

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex with them, leave and find someone who actually likes you.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:37

Thing is, OP could divorce and then he gets to have sex with other people. He might find a new, fulfilling relationship but he might not. He definitely loses the friendship with his wife and it will impact on his time with his adult children too.
It all has to be weighed up.
If it was the wife on here we could find out more about the cause of her feelings and suggest help, if she wanted it. She is very young to have given up on a sex life.
Many women find topical oestrogen good for dryness (and it isn't just like a lubricant). At 50 she's also pretty young to be through the menopause, I'm not sure she is out the other side of that! (Im older and im certainly not)

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 30/07/2023 12:37

I would rather go without sex than lose my much cherished best friend amd life partner.

No way would I divorce over that, awful as lack of sex would be.
Just to give an alternative perspective to those already given...

ThreeLittleDots · 30/07/2023 12:38

We haven't had sex in a few years but it's not a deal-breaker for us, neither can be arsed. But neither of us have a problem with that.

okiedokie1 · 30/07/2023 12:38

Sadly I think your resentment will grow. Also you are having to suppress your intimate emotions. Our emotions are all linked. We can't switch off one part without the rest being affected. Sure enough you will find you become less affectionate as affection will make you want intimacy and to avoid that, you will start unconsciously switching off all your emotionality towards her. Unless you suddenly lose your libido, the problem won't go away. It will only get worse

MachinesOfGod · 30/07/2023 12:38

This would be a dealbreaker for me too, OP. Sex is far more than just an orgasm, like you’ve said, it’s emotional and physical intimacy, and it must be soul destroying to have your bids for connection dismissed.

I think you already know what your options are, but you’re just not ready to face the gravity of the situation.