Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife doesn't want sex

275 replies

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 11:58

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 30/07/2023 12:38

You can still be best friends after a divorce.

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:38

wutheringkites · 30/07/2023 12:32

So just because you didn't experience low libido during menopause are you saying that doesn't exist for anyone? Just an excuse women make up?

As for saying she is cruel, there is absolutely no indication here about what she would do if op says he wants a divorce. Perhaps she would accept it, you have no idea.

Show quote history

Exactly. Every woman is different. OP has said his wife experiences pain. I know how hard it is to find a doctor that understand and can treat this stuff. My own husband would rather I say no if I'm hurting because he doesn't want to hurt me. If she's just refusing because she doesn't want to that's one thing, but it sounds like this is a genuine medical issue. I'd be very hurt if my DH wasn't supportive while I was doing my best because I've supported him through his medical issues. If he left me because of it, well, that doesn't say anything good about him.

okiedokie1 · 30/07/2023 12:40

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:37

Thing is, OP could divorce and then he gets to have sex with other people. He might find a new, fulfilling relationship but he might not. He definitely loses the friendship with his wife and it will impact on his time with his adult children too.
It all has to be weighed up.
If it was the wife on here we could find out more about the cause of her feelings and suggest help, if she wanted it. She is very young to have given up on a sex life.
Many women find topical oestrogen good for dryness (and it isn't just like a lubricant). At 50 she's also pretty young to be through the menopause, I'm not sure she is out the other side of that! (Im older and im certainly not)

50 is not young. 51 is average which means half women are before 51 so 50 is nit young at all

The massive drop in oestrogen and testosterone can cause the lack of libido. It's no mystery. Not sure why people think it just be other things. Some women find their libido remains. Others don't

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/07/2023 12:40

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2023 12:07

Your wife has made it very clear where she stands and now it’s your turn. Your wife is entitled to not want sex ever again but she’s in a partnership, which means there will be consequences to that stance.

She is being very unfair. And I speak as someone having a hideous menopause. What is her suggestion? Just put up with it? If that is her only stance, then you sadly have two choices - put up with it, or leave. I’m sorry op. Presumably she is willing to lose you over this - very sad.

AquamarineGlass · 30/07/2023 12:40

There's a big assumption here that

A) someone else is going to want to have regular sex with OP and he will be able to find them

B) having regular sex is more important than the love, financial and family set up

I think OP given all you've said that you need to grieve this loss. It is sad.

But I don't think wanting sex is a strong enough reason to abandon what otherwise sounds like a happy life.

emmylousings · 30/07/2023 12:41

Its unfair of your wife to unilaterally remove sex from the relationship and forbid you from doing it with anyone else. It's selfish and unloving. It sounds like she doesn't care about your happiness.

HairyKitty · 30/07/2023 12:41

I think you need an honest chat with your wife.
Going through menopause can leave you with no libido, but that doesn’t prevent you from having some kind of sexual activity in an otherwise loving relationship.
It seems from what you have said that the problem isn’t pain for her? Is that right? Or did it start that way and it’s become a mental block as well.
Lastly, whilst she doesn’t want sex now, and this is impacting you and making you unhappy, she should definitely be willing to try counselling, massage therapy, couples sex therapy or whatever is needed really to see if that changes anything.

pinguins · 30/07/2023 12:41

OP has "vaginismus" or "vulvodynia" ever been diagnosed for your wife? It sounds like if she finds sex painful and it's got worse since the menopause, she might have one of these conditions. Historically, has she also struggled with pain involving speculums e.g. during smears?
I have vaginismus which developed in my mid-twenties. I use dilators to help stop everything clamping up too much for sex and have to use loads and loads of lubricant. I can't have sex as often as I did before I got this problem, but I also work hard on non-penetrative sex to try to keep my partner feeling wanted (because he is).
It's extra hard for you if she won't talk about it or engage with trying to solve the problem but pain during sex can make you really dread anything that might lead to sex. The longer it goes on for the longer the psychological barriers will build up. I hope you can get to some sort of resolution.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:42

51 is average to be through the menopause? Like not perimenopausal but out the other side? I'm surprised at that. By friends and I all a bit older than this and still having the odd period etc

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:43

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:42

51 is average to be through the menopause? Like not perimenopausal but out the other side? I'm surprised at that. By friends and I all a bit older than this and still having the odd period etc

Yes, 51 is average. I'm 50 and still have regular periods though.

KingsHeath53 · 30/07/2023 12:43

I don’t have much advice from a female perspective as have never experienced what your wife has (only loss of sex drive after kids, which returned in time) but wanted to come on here and say you sound really nice and thoughtful and respectful.

If she’s as nice as you are she must surely understand how you feel… if you even showed her this thread maybe she would agree to some counselling or something?

In my experience sex drive is like a fire. If it fully goes out it can stay out forever. But if it’s re-ignited it can stay going forever. I hope she finds a way to re-connect with herself physically as, whilst she may not feel this way, she’s also missing out enormously by writing off this part of her lived experience. With counselling and maybe some medication this could return perhaps.

I’ve had (albeit shorter) times where I felt I never wanted to be touched again, then when it’s returned I feel how could I have lived without it.

AssignedNorthern · 30/07/2023 12:43

I think you need to decide what it is you want. To stay in a sexless marriage, to pursue an open relationship or to divorce and hope to find a relationship which meets your needs. Those appear to be your options. It sounds like you are able to discuss these things quite openly between you and your wife, so decide which is your preference then speak to your wife. Perhaps she will be in agreement with your choice, but you won't know unless you speak to her about it.

pinguins · 30/07/2023 12:44

@studyinscarlet I hope you see my last comment amongst all the useless sloshy "leave the bitch" advice that doesn't move you forward. Learning about these conditions, narrowing down which one I had, and treating it has changed mine and my husband's lives.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:45

I've been googling this and am still not convinced that on average 51 years olds are finished with periods. Search results seem to depend on what people call peri and what they call menopause - some conflate the two.

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:46

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:45

I've been googling this and am still not convinced that on average 51 years olds are finished with periods. Search results seem to depend on what people call peri and what they call menopause - some conflate the two.

Menopause is when you have been 12 months without a period. The average age for that is 51. All the perimenopause stuff goes on before that.

TheRealYellowWiggle · 30/07/2023 12:46

I think counselling seems like a plan. I'm thinking not only of the OP but for his wife who could be having a pleasurable sex life (not even necessarily with her dh!) but has written this off.

Original poster
studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:46

Dear Justanythings88

It all goes back to a message I sent about 10 years ago to an ex-GF from 30 years ago, who I had stayed in touch with via Facebook, a message saying she looked nice in some photos she posted. My wife got into my account and saw this and was very upset/angry. She also discovered some e-mails we had exchanged (just along the lines of how is the family? How are the kids?) She percieved it as an attempt at flirtation (which to be honest maybe it was), but I haven't seen this ex-GF for about 30 years (she is married with kids). I wasn't trying to have an affair with her, but my wife doesn't trust me because 25 years ago (when I was 25 and me and my wife were together but not married) I did cheat on her once (and onve only) when I was very drunk. I was an idiot and regretted it and told her about it and she married me 2 years later, but it seems to have irrevocably damaged her trust. But we did have great sex for our first 5 years of marriage, so maybe that isn't the reason?

OP posts:
WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:50

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:46

Dear Justanythings88

It all goes back to a message I sent about 10 years ago to an ex-GF from 30 years ago, who I had stayed in touch with via Facebook, a message saying she looked nice in some photos she posted. My wife got into my account and saw this and was very upset/angry. She also discovered some e-mails we had exchanged (just along the lines of how is the family? How are the kids?) She percieved it as an attempt at flirtation (which to be honest maybe it was), but I haven't seen this ex-GF for about 30 years (she is married with kids). I wasn't trying to have an affair with her, but my wife doesn't trust me because 25 years ago (when I was 25 and me and my wife were together but not married) I did cheat on her once (and onve only) when I was very drunk. I was an idiot and regretted it and told her about it and she married me 2 years later, but it seems to have irrevocably damaged her trust. But we did have great sex for our first 5 years of marriage, so maybe that isn't the reason?

And there we have it. I wouldn't want to have sex with you anymore either. You cheated, then had conversations with an ex including flattering comments on their appearance. I wouldn't trust you enough to let you that close.

itsmyp4rty · 30/07/2023 12:53

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 12:50

And there we have it. I wouldn't want to have sex with you anymore either. You cheated, then had conversations with an ex including flattering comments on their appearance. I wouldn't trust you enough to let you that close.

Show quote history

Agreed. It all always comes out later doesn't it.

BeaumontLivingston · 30/07/2023 12:54

I find this thread to be more proof of a small theory I have about relationships.

I think it's all very well to partner up and form a family and give children a loving, stable, two parent home.

But I think the idea that it's natural or even desirable to partner up for LIFE is incorrect.

I know so many people who had kids, broke up, coparent well as friends to small and adult children, and move on to find new partners.

I don't think romantic relationships are meant to last for life. I think boredom or growth apart if usually inevitable, and it's rare it doesn't set in at some point or you grow apart. People tend to grow and it can make you incompatible with your partner.

I think being with someone forever, fancying them, wanting to spend lots of time with them, enjoying sharing life with them, I think that’s rare and we should stop as a society telling people that it’s normal, because it isn't.

I think it would be much better to normalise having children with someone and moving on as the children grow up, because that’s what seems to happen anyway and it's viewed as a negative but it’s so normal why is it not viewed as positive? You don't have to lose the person from your life, you just no longer share it with them to the degree or in the same way you did when you were raising children together.

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 12:55

Well there's your answer then 🙄

You're a faithless cheat. She forgave you once and you repaid her by flirting with an ex.

I wouldn't want to have sex with you either. Actually, I'd have divorced you already.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/07/2023 12:55

We've been together 21 years and I'm 42 he's 39. We've had periods of lack of sex and DH has never pressured me nor I him but if we could never have sex again I couldn't be in a marriage with him. I wouldn't want to break up with him but without sex it's a friendship. Could you live together as friends?

ArcticSkewer · 30/07/2023 12:55

You've been on the dead bedrooms threads you know the score.

There are different types of people.

Some accept it and just want to talk about it.
Others do something about it.

You are person 1 not 2. So use mumsnet and other forums to talk about your sad situation etc. Personally though I would recommend being person 2. You know your options already

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 12:57

Posters need to read the OP's update.

He cheated on his wife once akd attempted to do so again.

That's why she's gone off sex with him. Nothing to do with work schedules, menopause or humans not being designed to commit for life generally.

Frankenpug23 · 30/07/2023 13:00

Just wondered if she would have counselling with you or individually- I am peri menopausal now and really struggling with body image, sex, well being, weight, mood etc but whatever is happening you both need to find an understanding/ solution or resolution that works for you.

Whilst your wife is entitled to be in a relationship that meets her needs - equally you are entitled to have a relationship that meets your needs too.