Wife doesn't want sex

[studyinscarlet]

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

Ah just saw this! Still doesn’t matter. That was 25 years ago and she retaliated, you’ve both moved on from that.
marriages dont last forever even though some people think they should. You first have to be happy to truly succeed in a marriage.

Marriage without sex is friendship. Friends don't owe one another sexual fidelity.

It's not misogynistic to expect to have sex with one's sexual partner, male or female.

People need to stop trotting out that word when it doesn't apply.

You were flirting with an ex you cheated on her with in the past. That's a dick move, OP. It can certainly be a dealbreaker.

I have never messaged ex boyfriends to tell them how great they look, and it would be very weird of me to do so. That's blatantly seeking interest and attention outside of your marriage.

I hope your poor wife doesn’t read this thread and realise that you consider yourself to be in ‘a marriage of convenience’! I’m sure that would make her rip off her knickers, twirl them in the air and leap for the nearest chandelier 🤬

So, you’ve got two dependent/ semi dependent adult kids with mental health problems, have mental and physical health issues yourself, combined with your evident stress around your job/ability to cope with a divorce as well as continuing to work? I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.

You're only 50. It's forced celibacy. It doesn't work when both parties aren't on the same page. She can't expect to be non negotiable on all of it. You either divorce or talk to her about an open relationship.

Marriage without sex is friendship. Friends don't owe one another sexual fidelity.

I hope you limbered up before writing this because it's quite the stretch.

@wutheringkites bet this is news to all those whose long term partners and marriages have chronic illness or physical conditions that make it unpleasant/impossible but still have loving and caring relationships

The husbands who are unhappy in these marriages are on ‘dating’ sites for married people.

I feel sad for you both, @studyinscarlet. The thing to keep in mind is that moving out will not guarantee you a life of glorious romance & sex. It's more likely to mean a smattering of unsuccessful dates, some liaisons that fizzle out & go nowhere, and probably an eventual relationship that also hits its weak spots, needing further compromises.

I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce. You have the right. Even if your wife is actually happy to split up but continue as friends, there's no saying future partners would put up with that.

... the choice is not "sexless marriage or sexy new woman". It's this marriage or the unknown.

I can't tell you what to do. Wishing you and your wife good luck and a following wind!

All marriages are ‘marriages of convenience’ to some extent

You get the convenience of friendship, companionship, emotional support for your work life, emotional security around your children and their struggles, plus genuine love.

To me, that trumps a relationship with few of the above but regular sex.

And as pp said, it’s absolutely delusional to think that leaving means a high chance of finding someone with a high sex drive plus the emotional side you’re looking for. Anecdotally, the friends of mine in their late 40s/early 50s currently getting divorced are far more interested in using their new found freedom to go on fitness weekends and learn new skills than they are to pick up men who have walked out of their wives of 20+ years after not getting enough sex

@tenbob Yep- agree with all that.

She’s not really trying is she ?

as there are more sensual options such a tanta and yoni massage etc
she could at least try to explore non penetrative sex , massage
to try and explore her sensuality alone
even a (good !) intimacy therapist

i find her total lack of wanting to even explore options a bit worrying to be honest

personally I’d try that angle before divorce

Yoni massage?

is that you, Dave..?

(anyone who suggested that or an intimacy coach to me would get a one way ticket to a divorce court. Ick)

I think the fact that you cheated 25 years ago is actually pretty irrelevant. She retaliated and you both moved past it and married. At least, that’s what should have happened and yet it still seems to be very much in the present. To what degree have you felt guilty and responsible for ‘making it up to her’ in your marriage? I get the sense that you are being punished, maybe subconsciously, but that on some level you feel you deserve it.

The messages feel more of a gotcha than anything actually tangible - you admit liking getting them but the content you describe does not suggest flirting. But when there’s a lack of intimacy in a marriage, kindness and/or interest from anyone feels significant. This is exactly how affairs start, for good reason.

Maybe have a think about the balance in your relationship. It strikes me that there is little capacity to discuss this situation as equal adults to find a solution that works for both of you. Would you consider counselling? This might allow you both to explore what’s going on underneath. If she won’t agree, maybe consider seeing someone yourself to help you work through this rather than just bury your resentment in denial.

tenbob

no I’m a regular poster and female

and personally I think it’s a better solution than divorce or open marriage or misery

what’s your brilliant advice ?

Not regular enough to remember the collective MN response to the suggestion of yoni massage 😂😂

My advice is up there.
Appreciate what you’ve got, don’t for a second think the grass is greener. Reframe this within the bigger picture of what you have got, not what you haven’t

I'm not convinced everyone is having all this sex tbh, once a week seems an awful lot.

Has she explained why she doesn't want sex?
Does she want to masturbate still?

Might she have vaginal atrophy and/or Lichen Sclerosis? Should probably be checked but if she is just digging her heels in and saying no sex there may be no point.

I agree.

The fact that she’s not even trying would be a deal breaker for me.
It sounds like she’s done with the relationship but wants the security of it still.

Sex is a part of a healthy relationship.
If you aren’t willing to have sex then you shouldn’t be in that relationship.

Its difficult because you seem happy in other ways.
But ultimately this is going to lead to resentment and you both being miserable.

I would tell her how you feel and then give it another 6 months or so (get Xmas out of the way etc) and then reevaluate.
If she’s made no effort in the next few months then I’d seriously consider leaving.

The wife has been clear on her position and that needs to be respected. That door is shut and nothing good will come of banging on it. It will only cause resentment and withdrawal

This. There are many non-invasive things she could do for a physical connection, if she could be bothered to try.

She's taking the piss to expect fidelity from someone she has so much contempt for. This isn't a marriage.

"it’s absolutely delusional to think that leaving means a high chance of finding someone with a high sex drive plus the emotional side you’re looking for. Anecdotally, the friends of mine in their late 40s/early 50s currently getting divorced are far more interested in using their new found freedom to go on fitness weekends and learn new skills than they are to pick up men who have walked out of their wives of 20+ years after not getting enough sex"

Yeah but lots of 30-early 40s women are happy to date a lusty 50-year-old. Such couples are everywhere.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune only if they are rich and fit in my experience