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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife doesn't want sex

275 replies

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 11:58

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 20:40

I see it in all walks of life.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 20:41

I feel sad for you both

Why do you feel sad for the wife? She appears to have what she wants. A sexless marriage.

i’ve read plenty of threads on here of women happy in their sexless marriages right up to when they discover the affair or their H announces he is leaving.

JenniferBooth · 30/07/2023 20:54

YY @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Its also very misogynistic to trot out the "most women dont like sex" trope.

Usedtolikefood · 30/07/2023 21:01

Crikeyalmighty · 30/07/2023 20:38

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune only if they are rich and fit in my experience

No, in my peer group there are women in their late 30s and early 40s who married ordinary, normal income 50 year old men. Not particularly fit or attractive men either.

Mammadibambini · 30/07/2023 21:03

I would advise a couples therapist or sexual therapist . You can get them on the Nhs but as you can imagine the waiting list is very long. I’d go private and get on the Nhs list too. You could also Google about rekindling the relationship or decreasing libido.

you could probably start by appreciating her more, compliments, holding hands, little kisses on the cheek and neck, tickling etc and work up to suggesting naked cuddles where you don’t do anything sexual. That would be a big step. Obviously she will need to be on board with this.

Maybe she doesn’t feel sexy anymore? Are her needs being met generally, like does she have to nag you? Do you listen to her? does she feel appreciated? Does she feel comfortable to be angry in front of you? If her needs aren’t being met she won’t want to be intimate with you.

Mammadibambini · 30/07/2023 21:08

Also sorry but most Mum’s net users are keen for people to break up. Does no one work on issues in long term relationships now? They’ve been together for decades and survived kids… surely you can work on this and find a way that works for both of you. Divorce isn’t a solution it’s a way out, a failure of love, loyalty and commitment.

fight for the ones you love like your life depended on it. Don’t just leave them when they have an issue or difference

JenniferBooth · 30/07/2023 21:13

Its not just sex though is it? Its the intimacy and emotional closeness that surrounds it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 21:19

Mammadibambini · 30/07/2023 21:08

Also sorry but most Mum’s net users are keen for people to break up. Does no one work on issues in long term relationships now? They’ve been together for decades and survived kids… surely you can work on this and find a way that works for both of you. Divorce isn’t a solution it’s a way out, a failure of love, loyalty and commitment.

fight for the ones you love like your life depended on it. Don’t just leave them when they have an issue or difference

But the wife has categorically shut down the subject. What is there to work on?

ArcticSkewer · 30/07/2023 21:21

Mammadibambini · 30/07/2023 21:08

Also sorry but most Mum’s net users are keen for people to break up. Does no one work on issues in long term relationships now? They’ve been together for decades and survived kids… surely you can work on this and find a way that works for both of you. Divorce isn’t a solution it’s a way out, a failure of love, loyalty and commitment.

fight for the ones you love like your life depended on it. Don’t just leave them when they have an issue or difference

There's also the tried and tested 'don't ask don't tell' third way of the long term affair

Sandra1984 · 30/07/2023 21:32

Sounds like your wife is either not into you (sexually speaking) or not into sex. She wanted the children so she put up with sex for 5 years, but once the kids box was ticked she saw no reason to continue having sex, She’s comfortable with her lifestyle and sees you as her flatmate and doesn’t care if your needs are met or not. But then she refuses to an open relationship, she wants her cake and eat it too.

your wife is incredibly selfish. I would cheat on her, just dont get caught.

Original poster
studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 21:34

Yeah, we discussed it alot and she definitely doesn’t want sex. She also showed reluctance to see a psychosexual counsellor when I suggested it many years ago. Also, she’s told me why she doesn’t want intimacy with me, which I’ve explained on the thread. I guess I don’t know what answers I’m looking for as I realise it’s either stay or leave (or cheat as some have pointed out). Maybe I’m just looking for validation of my position here and to sense-check how normal or abnormal a situation this is. I won’t get divorced as I do believe it’s for life (barring situations like genuine unhappiness, psychological abuse and domestic violence), so I suppose I’m not really helping myself get any. Some women do seem to quite like me and I never had trouble finding someone when I was single so I’d prob find someone, but I don’t think that could replace 25 years of being with my wife. Some of the answers to this post are incredibly informed, insightful and kind - thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 21:38

I think you’re right in that the sex was a means to having kids. After the second one was born it went to about once every couple of months, then turned into nothing. But, again, I’ve heard that’s not an unusual situation?

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 30/07/2023 21:44

Cutting sex from a partner is a form of abuse, unless you’re suffering from illness or going through the childbearing years. The marriage may work for her but it’s not working for you. She wants to hear none of it because it’s all about her.

ModestMoon · 30/07/2023 21:48

Sandra1984 · 30/07/2023 21:44

Cutting sex from a partner is a form of abuse, unless you’re suffering from illness or going through the childbearing years. The marriage may work for her but it’s not working for you. She wants to hear none of it because it’s all about her.

I'm sorry but this is absurd, and pretty offensive to people who actually are victims of real sexual abuse. No, not having sex with someone is absolutely not "a form of abuse". The wife is well within her rights to act (or not act) on her own sexual desires, and is not abusing the OP by forcing herself to have unwanted sex with him. Of course, the OP is perfectly within his right to end the marriage, but it sounds like he doesn't want to do that.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/07/2023 21:49

@studyinscarlet I told you my situation because I suspected your wife may feel as I did.my husbands shitty behaviour killed the romantic/sex aspect - I have seen counsellors and wish I felt differently but I simply didn't. As I was mid 50s at the time I found out it coincided with when I simply felt less interested anyway. Thing is though we do get along well and have a good connection. We do very occasionally have 'some' intimacy, just not penatritivexsex- I did in my case say that I wouldn't stand in his way if he wanted to separate and we could remain friends- but he didn't want that either. Problem is people do stupid things that really hurt others and even if it's not affairs it can totally change the dynamic in a relationship. the price here for her staying and not telling you to sling your hook (and the texting and mild flirting for her was clearly a no no) was that she isn't sexually interested.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:01

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:10

Just wish there was another alternative other than divorce. I just couldn't put myself, her and my children through that.

There is, asking for an open relationship or her blessing to get your physical needs met elsewhere. If she wants to give up sex forever in her 40s she has the right too but it feels very unfair to impose this on you. In your shoes, at your age I would be devastated and after exhausting all ways to try and reignite would be considering either leaving or a sex only no strings affair.

However, the fact that she only seems concerned about her own desires and doesn't seem to care about your needs or wants is a bit worrying op. Is she as 'in love' with you as you say? I would feel so guilty if I was in this position and would work hard to find a solution that worked for my marriage

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:03

Luckydip1 · 30/07/2023 12:38

You can still be best friends after a divorce.

Yes, if the separation is done thoughtfully and respectfully with tact and good communication

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:13

AquamarineGlass · 30/07/2023 12:40

There's a big assumption here that

A) someone else is going to want to have regular sex with OP and he will be able to find them

B) having regular sex is more important than the love, financial and family set up

I think OP given all you've said that you need to grieve this loss. It is sad.

But I don't think wanting sex is a strong enough reason to abandon what otherwise sounds like a happy life.

But only we can judge how important sex is for op. He seems very sad he's not experiencing it any more and rightly so- it's a basic human need to feel close to and connect with someone romantically and sexually.

It's not just that the wife doesn't feel like it, the absolute refusal to do anything sexual (tmi maybe but if I'm eg on my period or too tired I will always make the effort to give a bj or at least tell my partner how much fun I'm going to have with them at the weekend) and the lack of care or acknowledgment that he isn't having his needs met is what makes me sympathize less with her and also think this is not necessarily a happy fulfilling relationship in all ways apart from the sex. I would feel SO guilty forcing someone to give up their sex life. If I really for some reason eg a terminal long term illness or disability couldn't do it with my life partner I would try to watch porn together or even get a sex worker in so that he didn't miss out, out of love for him.

Just look at all the single women or single mums on this site (and lots of my friends! And me tbh!) that have great careers, are kind, keep themselves in shape, go to therapy to sort out their own issues, and then try online dating and just meet immature ghosters or alcoholics or cheats. There are lots of women like this that would LOVE to meet someone like OP - a good, 'relationship' man who is ethical and loving and thoughtful and stays in shape. Sadly the 'good guys' don't tend to be single as they stay in marriages like this as they don't want to be the bad guy and leave...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:13

emmylousings · 30/07/2023 12:41

Its unfair of your wife to unilaterally remove sex from the relationship and forbid you from doing it with anyone else. It's selfish and unloving. It sounds like she doesn't care about your happiness.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:15

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 12:46

Dear Justanythings88

It all goes back to a message I sent about 10 years ago to an ex-GF from 30 years ago, who I had stayed in touch with via Facebook, a message saying she looked nice in some photos she posted. My wife got into my account and saw this and was very upset/angry. She also discovered some e-mails we had exchanged (just along the lines of how is the family? How are the kids?) She percieved it as an attempt at flirtation (which to be honest maybe it was), but I haven't seen this ex-GF for about 30 years (she is married with kids). I wasn't trying to have an affair with her, but my wife doesn't trust me because 25 years ago (when I was 25 and me and my wife were together but not married) I did cheat on her once (and onve only) when I was very drunk. I was an idiot and regretted it and told her about it and she married me 2 years later, but it seems to have irrevocably damaged her trust. But we did have great sex for our first 5 years of marriage, so maybe that isn't the reason?

If she's still punishing you for this 25 years later she will do for the next 25 years too... do you want to be 75 and this was your life

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:16

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2023 12:55

Well there's your answer then 🙄

You're a faithless cheat. She forgave you once and you repaid her by flirting with an ex.

I wouldn't want to have sex with you either. Actually, I'd have divorced you already.

But she didn't divorce him. If she's going to stay she should stay and make an effort to have a good relationship not force them both into the sexless prison

LizzieSiddal · 30/07/2023 22:27

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · Today 12:37

I would rather go without sex than lose my much cherished best friend amd life partner.

No way would I divorce over that, awful as lack of sex would be.
Just to give an alternative perspective to those already given...

I agree.

I’m 57 and know several couples in their 50/60s who no longer have sex but are still affectionate with each other and seem happy. If it happens to dh and me then I’d rather stay with the man I’ve been married to since I was 23 and have so much shared history with, and tbh the thought of trying to find someone else, well I just couldn’t be bothered!

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 22:39

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 13:07

OP states the wife didn’t want sex anymore before she hit the menopause.

Show quote history

Perimenopause can last ten years.

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 22:41

studyinscarlet · 30/07/2023 13:22

I probably should have put the back history in the original post, but would have been a long read. As I said I am 50 now and I did cheat on her when I was 25 (just once). She then slept with someone else, to get her own back. We were both v young and daft and we did get married 2 yrs later. The facebboks and e-mails with the ex-GF were conversational - not trying to arrange meets etc. But you are right - this is the reason she doesn't trust me. But don't any of you guys who are happily in relationships ever speak or message an ex-boyfriend. Is that really a dealbreaker? Maybe I am glazing over it cos I don't see it as a big deal / sufficient explanation for our broken sex-life now. But maybe I'm deluded and this was actually a huge breech of trust?

No, I have nothing to do with ex-boyfriends. They have no place in my life now. Also, 'just once' is minimising something huge.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/07/2023 22:51

ModestMoon

to be fair when I did a domestic abuse course one of the weapons is withholding sex
its one of many yes ! But some abusers do that and it whether done in malice or not
its really hurtful

op is in a very tough situation

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