Wife doesn't want sex

[studyinscarlet]

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

Op I tri of think that for now put the sex issue on the back burner

focus on some help with managing both your respective mental health given the heavy load

for what it’s worth I’m a single parent so I’m handling both what you have (work !) and your wife has (caring ). But it’s easier in many ways as I call the shots and don’t have to manage a man 😂

I don’t think either party has it easy here

but really sounds kind you need a professional so both parties can be heard

@Thisisworsethananticpated but really sounds kind you need a professional so both parties can be heard.

That is only possible when a couple admits issues and need to solve them in order to make the relationship work hence the need to hire a “middleman”, problem is wife has made clear she doesn’t want and is not interested in addressing the issue. She has no problem (in her eyes), it’s him who has one and she’s not interested one bit in helping him. Again, very selfish but it looks like OP is willing to accept the status quo and has little interest in rocking the boat.

Wow. Congratulations on your successful empathy bypass.

Woman on woman misogyny (if the poster really is a woman, of. course) is so depressing ☹️

Depressing and infuriating in equal measure.

I agree. I feel very sad that this anonymous woman (if indeed she’s real) has, unknown to her, been judged as ‘cruel’ and ‘selfish’ and subject to all manner of harsh judgement and vile comments. Just because of a physical decision she has made about her own body (and mind probably). Menopause and caring responsibilities may have taken its toll…

So how fucking depressing in this day and age that we’ll still burn her at the stake for not swinging from the chandeliers or keeping her man happy in the bedroom.

Yes, it’s a relationship. But physicality and physiology changes as you get older. If your spouse doesn’t honour that ‘in sickness and in health’ then I wonder where the love and respect is?

I agree. I feel very sad that this anonymous woman (if indeed she’s real) has, unknown to her, been judged as ‘cruel’ and ‘selfish’ and subject to all manner of harsh judgement and *vile comments. Just because of a physical decision she has made about her own body (and mind probably). Menopause and caring responsibilities may have taken its toll…

So how fucking depressing in this day and age that we’ll still burn her at the stake for not swinging from the chandeliers or keeping her man happy in the bedroom.

Yes, it’s a relationship. But physicality and physiology changes as you get older. If your spouse doesn’t honour that ‘in sickness and in health’ then I wonder where the love and respect is?*

Quite.

@Screamingabdabz Yep- I sat and thought this could be me very easily with you all passing judgement, without knowing my side one bit. For all we know the OP could be an arse in ways he is unaware of or she simply doesn't fancy him anymore and thinks she is actually doing him and the family a favour by staying.

I'm not saying you are an arse OPby the way- but we don't know her take on this or her reasons, only what you think might be the reasons. You place a lot on the fidelity aspect - but it may not be that at all-

im not the above poster but if the OP was a woman complaining about her husband cutting of sex I would also think he was being incredibly selfish. Too many posters screaming misoginy on this thread when it’s not. I’m a woman myself and if my male partner decided to cut of sex plus refuse to discuss the issue treating me like my feelings didn’t matter I would dump him (unless there was a health issue involved of course). I have a high libido and Sex is very important for me.

We’re also hearing one side of the story but it sounds she’s “comfortable” in the marriage just not interested in sex? was she unhappy I guess there would have been talks of divorce or separation which OP does not mention.

Congratulations on your enormous libido 🏅 Are you absolutely sure that being in pain from sex and therefore not wanting to do it is incredibly selfish? Have you gone through the menopause? If you have and you simply sailed through, again that’s brilliant 🏆but all available medical research points to the sad truth that vaginal dryness and loss of libido are two very common post menopausal conditions. There are also plenty of other physical conditions that can strike women in their 50s and above, many of which might not lead to them retaining a gigantic libido such as your own.

Ladies of MN can I put out a plea to those of you who’ve not experienced menopause, not had any problems due to menopause and who are in great physical and mental health, to consider your fellow women who might not be quite so lucky? Describing other women as selfish really isn’t on unless you know them and the struggles they might be enduring. To do otherwise is very unkind.

I’m going through menopause myself and yeah, not fun, libido
is still there though, but then I’m not married to someone I don’t fancy, I’m dating someone who I find very hot. Reading the OP post it’s unclear on what is causing the wife cutting of sex. OP said they stopped having sex long before her menopause and she doesn’t want to discuss the issue. This doesn’t sound like a woman with health issues, sounds like she doesn’t fancy him.

Look, maybe my libido matched your huge, enormous one pre menopause and it certainly went crazy high in peri, but bodies change, no matter how ‘hot’ one finds one’s partner. Also, the OP in question has told us that he has both a physical disability and mental health issues himself so, who knows, maybe he’s no longer that cute little hottie his wife married and she’s no longer turned on by him? Is that her fault? Is he doing everything he can to remain physically attractive to her? Keeping himself fit and slim? Exercising regularly? Eating healthily? Stylish clothes? Does he take her on surprise mini breaks or to nice restaurants? Who knows!

Maybe she’s staying actually with the OP through sheer kindness since he indicates that he’d have to give up work without her support. We’ve no idea what’s really happening have we? All we know is that his posts don’t appear to show any reflection on how his wife might be feeling after years of supporting him with his issues as well as their mentally unwell adult offspring?

@Sandra1984 @NarcNarc

Well your answer is in there Sandra- unless we all get divorced many are married to people they no longer find 'hot' - for all we know the OPs wife may feel like this - so libidos may well not be the same league as yours- if at all!!!

As@NarcNarc also said- it's easy to judge when your situation is totally different- I had a not great uncomfortable menopause , followed by finding out my H had been a shit years before, backed up with most unpleasant neurological issues with long covid. That took care of most of my 50's. I'm actually a pretty cheery jolly person in RL- the only thing that went out the window was libido - it doesn't make me a selfish arse - it makes me honest that I'm no longer interested- and I wouldn't I feel be so with anyone else either-

@NarcNarc Maybe she’s staying actually with the OP through sheer kindness since he indicates that he’d have to give up work without her support. We’ve no idea what’s really happening have we? All we know is that his posts don’t appear to show any reflection on how his wife might be feeling after years of supporting him with his issues as well as their mentally unwell adult offspring?

totally agree with your above statement, but she hasn’t given the OP any reasons nor she wants to discuss the issue. How about “I don’t fancy you anymore Joe “?

He admits that he can’t carry on going to work without her support though, so maybe she doesn’t want to be cruel by pointing out that he’s grown older or put on weight or is losing his hair etc? If you’re dating you’re obviously not married but some people are married and they take their marriage vows seriously and don’t want to divorce. Who knows? There just isn’t enough data for any of us to draw an accurate conclusion. As I’ve said previously though, the OP sounds a bit, let’s call it oblivious shall we, when he expressed surprise that his flirting with a previous lover hadn’t increased his wife’s libido 🤦🏻‍♀️

Maybe we should ask the OP to post a picture of himself, that way we can give a better opinion on why the wife has cut of sex with him? 🤣 (just joking).

😮😆😆😆

@Sandra1984 that is below the belt. If OP was a woman. I don't think you would be saying such a thing.

Maybe 🤔

I would suggest you ask her if it fair to you to not have sex in your marriage. Tell her she unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage and its not working.

Hopefully in the next 1, 2, 5 years your body won't throw up things that make sex difficult or painful, and your libido will stay. It's such an unpredictable time and changes as you move further through it.

In response to recent posts, I think my wife still does fancy me - only the other day she remarked that she thought I was handsome. I’m certainly not a 10/10, but I have experienced, twice in the last year, women approaching me in public and initiating “flirty” conversations (i.e “chatting me up” rather than asking me for directions..) . I can’t post a photo! One of you might be my next door neighbour! There is tenderness and affection between me and my wife. I think it’s purely the breech of trust issues that have destroyed the sexual relationship and I think I probably need to just take that on the chin. Alot of these posts have confirmed this for me and even the posts that have been somewhat harsh have been v helpful in that respect, so I’m not complaining.

IMO You sound a tad deluded OP, a person with a healthy libido doesn’t cut sex forever from a partner because of a flirty email sent 10 years ago. But if you want to blame it on that be my guest.

Sandra1984

yeah that was mean
let’s not fall into the male poster = arsehole and shit all over them mode