Wife doesn't want sex

[studyinscarlet]

Was wondering if the mums of mumsnet could give me some advise.

Been married 25 years. We have a loving relationship and 2 kids grown yp. We are both 50. We have not had sex for 5 years. She has gone through menopause and it is not just painful for her, but before menopause she was no longer interested in it. She has tried HRT etvc - no different. All the advice out there talks about communication etc, but we have already discussed the issue for years and she has told me that she definitely doesn't want sex anymore (any form of sex including non penetrative etc.) and does not want to try testosterone gel (another thing that people usually advise). Our relatiknship is otherwise very good and neither of us are having affairs etc. I keep myself in shape and am a nice normal person (uou'll have to take my word on that!)

There is a dead-bedrooms forum on Reddit but all they seem to say is "get divorced" or "get an open relationship". I 100% do not want to get divorced as we both love each other! There is also absolutely no way on God's earth that my wife would agree to an open relationship - trust me. She would also definitely leave me if she ever caught me having an affair (not that I have had an affair - I'm not really into anyone else)

The only other option is to accept celibacy. I am only 50 and always really enjoyed sex - it feels like a bereavement. I know some of you will advise just solo-sexual activities, which is fair enough but it is really no substitute - it's not the climax i'm after but the physical affection/excitement that goes beyond hugging and hand-holding (we do already hug alot)

There might be nothing any of you guys can advise and probably I just need to accept our sex-life has given us 2 kids and now it's reached the end of the road. I just thought i'd put it out there, though, in case there was something I had not thought of.

@GreyCarpet He didn't ever really understand (until this very day, it would seem), the impact his infidelity would have on his marriage.

Nah… she didn’t stop the sex because he “attempted to cheat”, she stopped because she has zero interest in sex, with him and or any other person. Most probably she has a very low libido or is asexual. FFS she doesn’t even own a sex toy! Had she had a libido she would have find herself a lover, bought a toy or hook up with the OP (the poor sod didn’t even cheat!!!) but she did none of those things because sex is not something she’s interested in. She is interested in financial security, the children, appearances or fear of the unknown, just not sex.

She could be banging an entire squadron for all you all the OP knows. Lots of assumptions there.

The unicorn menopausal MILFs with a high sex drive’s needs

ahem ! I’m one
but I wouldn’t fuck a mm in ops situation

I do have a lover though

The misogynistic assumptions over women and sex on this thread is bloody disgusting. Women dont want sex anymore once they have had kids. What utter crap. Plenty of child free by choice women have and enjoy sex

Oh, I didn't realise you know her personally.

Because otherwise, your (rather puzzling) anger and vitriol towards her are completely unfounded.

No one knows whether she'd have had an interest in sex with anyone else because no one has asked her and no one has seen what she might have been like in a different relationship.

Sorry but cutting sex from a partner forever with no explanation is a very very mean and selfish thing to do hence my “puzzling” sounding vitriol. If that happened to me I would be very angry so I sympathise with the OP, that’s all. No puzzles.

Good on you, nobody is knocking you for that

I find this really odd. I'm not saying there's only one right attitude.

Most people move in socially interconnected circles, and these have grown exponentially with social media. My XH had been in relationships with no fewer than three of his close friends. Four of my exes were at my 40th birthday party. I once added up all the men I've slept with on my social media connections - it's at least 12!

If I were to sever all contact with previously-intimate connections, I'd create big holes where the mutual friends interact. For XH, who grew up & lived in the same place for most of his life, it'd eradicate the greater part of his personal world.

Just to clarify - I wasn’t looking for an affair with my ex-GF, although I admit it was flirtatious. I wouldn’t want to be one of those middle-aged men who dated 20 year olds either - my daughter’s older than that.. I don’t have anything in common with a much younger woman and, as has been pointed out, there would probably have to be a reason other than love for a 20 year old girl to do it - money etc. If we did hypothetically separate I don’t even think I’d want anyone else - but I guess that’s why I don’t want to get divorced. I 99% think I would stay single and, knowing me, I’d get lonely and start drinking too much..

I’ve moved beyond the stage in life where I want novelty. I had plenty of that as a younger man.

The state of this thread.

@studyinscarlet OP wants the no sex to end. So, well done for coming here for advice. Now off to a relationship therapist/ counsellor or sex expert and you will be told, professionally, what you need to do to make your wife be interested in having INTIMACY/ ROMANCE with you.

I am no expert but it was very very clear from OP's opening post, confirmed by his later updates, exactly where the problem was. Unfortunately, the 5 years have just allowed your wife to CONFIRM she doesn't want sex with you ever. Hopefully some professionals can give some targeted help.

@studyinscarlet, I understood that you weren't trying to initiate an affair with your ex. I can understand that your wife's ability to trust was damaged by your pre-marriage escapade. This seems to have been more significant to her than it would've been to me, and other respondents' comments show she isn't alone in that.

Decades later, though, the "why" might be intriguing but is hardly useful in the present day. To me, it sounds like you're married to a woman with little enthusiasm for sex. Sex with you or sex at all? I don't know and, again, it's largely immaterial. There are lots of people with very low libido - I've become one myself for various reasons, and have known quite a few people of both sexes who never were that bothered about sex.

Do you still share a bedroom? I'd have thought that the path of least resistance would be a sort of comfortable house sharing situation, with a clear understanding of personal time. When you and she talk about this, what's her view?

what you need to do to make your wife be interested in having INTIMACY/ ROMANCE with you

Seriously? MAKE her be interested?

Look, you couldn't make me like Thai food or be interested in a yoga retreat. You can't make a vegan love steak & kidney pie. Why the fuck would you??

what you need to do to make your wife be interested in having INTIMACY/ ROMANCE with you 'or not'.

Happy? I wasn't writing an essay and a cover all. Exactly why I referred OP to specialists!

I could be your wife OP! I never wanted to have sex again, though I did grin and bear it once or twice a month for him. And trust in my husband ended when I discovered he’d been having a flirty online relationship with one of his ex girlfriends from years back. It was a combination of repulsion of sex (and him), a lack of trust but also wanting him to be fulfilled and happy that led to me insisting on a divorce, which is where we are now. He claims he still loves me but has had no problem whatsoever starting a new life with his new, 10 year younger than me girlfriend. Hopefully he is getting loads of sex and living his best life. I meanwhile have the bed to myself and am entering old age alone. C’est la vie….

That’s really interesting and thanks so much for your insight. I think I definitely underestimated the impact that flirting with someone else has on the other partner in the relationship - this has really helped me to understand that my wife isn’t unusual in that regard. There are so many other insightful responses here - it’s a priviledge to get all this help/insight/support.

Are you being serious when you say you didn’t realise that flirting with a former lover might not be hurtful for your wife OP? You honestly thought that your wife was unusual to not like you doing it? I’m sorry but do you actually know your wife at all after 25 years of marriage? Is this all a wind up?

@studyinscarlet I felt exactly the same as@SweetcornFritter Mentioned. I couldn't quite believe that the person I loved and trusted did something so very much out of character and I saw him in a new light (a lesser one) it killed any sex drive I had- which as I was just post menopause wasn't great anyway. I am 61 now and found all this stuff he had written about this very young woman who worked with us when I was 55 - it had actually happened 10 years before that . I don't think it was an affair - but it certainly was an infatuation on his part and lots of texting at the time- lots of work trips too at that time(genuine ones- it was our business) if I had known about it at the time I would have left him. Never underestimate the small things that can totally kill things sexually for many women . I do feel for you - but it is what it is. I doubt your wife will suddenly have a reawakening with you , so I think you either have to live with it , or try and rekindle affection but without sex or accept it's the end and move on. I was very honest about the fact I simply didn't feel that way about him anymore , however I did care a lot and told him it was his choice to make.

All my exs are at least 30+ years in the past, our lives moved in very different directions. I just wouldn't look ex's up. It's one thing if they are part of your circle or you move in the same professional or other circles. That just hasn't been the case for me.

I agree with NarcNarc. His wife has said it's painful. I know my DH wouldn't want to have sex if it was painful for me. He doesn't want to hurt me. It sounds like his wife has something going on which, at her age, is very possible. There are times my body disrupts our sex life and DH is very supportive and accommodating. Other than a passing mention, OP doesn't seem to be understanding of this aspect of what is going on for his wife.

Reading

Yes, and this is why you fall into the category of people who do nothing and just like to feel a bit hard done by. That's absolutely fine, you have a lot of company in that - reddit dead bedrooms threads can attest to that.

If you don't want to make a change, any change, you will continue to live as you are. Practising acceptance is your best route to happiness. Right now you want your wife to change - it's a type of escapism.

Op you said both your children have mental health issues

my son does too and it’s heavy , and that’s an understatement !

i still think some couples therapy would be beneficial , if nothing less to cement how things can be moving forward

Yes, I think people can underestimate the impact of caring for family members and how much time and energy it takes. It puts the marriage on a back row seat and makes the idea of divorce (even if I wanted that) utterly superfluous.

Your wife, who also cares for your children with mental health issues, also supports you with your anxiety and physical disabilities so she has an even greater caring load than you do. I think that is worth bearing in mind when you get frustrated about her lack of libido