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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/07/2023 14:21

No, no, no.

pippinsleftleg · 28/07/2023 14:23

DustyLee123 · 28/07/2023 14:21

No, no, no.

Agree!

YallaYallaaa · 28/07/2023 14:23

Nooooooooooooo

RedLem0nade · 28/07/2023 14:24

It’s a hell no from me too.

chocobaby · 28/07/2023 14:24

ABSOLUTELY NOT! What would he have done if he hadn’t met you? This is another reason why I wouldn’t go near any man who isn’t completely divorced.

recipe for disaster brewing here OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 14:25

No no and no again. Why is such a man your boyfriend at all?. Where’s your head at?. You’re the other woman here in this scenario as he’s not even divorced yet.

Raise your standards and boundaries a lot higher here through therapy and dump his sorry arse.

TeeBee · 28/07/2023 14:25

'Ha ha ha ha ha. Not a fucking chance'...would be my response.

INeedAnotherName · 28/07/2023 14:26

No don't do it.

He is already in debt himself.
He already owes a friend a substantial sum.

Where will it end? He could end up bankrupting you. I would go the supportive route rather than financial.

Check his solicitor is the right one. See where the money is going, if its on emails then he needs to stop sending so many etc. Is he fighting something that multiple solicitors have said he can't legally win?

Mummumgem · 28/07/2023 14:27

No definitely not, and I would advise you don’t commit until his debts are cleared. I know it sounds hard, but your children come first

ZekeZeke · 28/07/2023 14:28

Why did you get involved with a married man? Because thats what he is.

The car offer was generous of you.
What is he currently using for transport?

TeriblePerson · 28/07/2023 14:29

Nope.

LifeExperience · 28/07/2023 14:30

Are you absolutely sure that this still-married man isn't with you for the money? Because that's what it sounds like.

toomanyleggings · 28/07/2023 14:31

I

Dillane · 28/07/2023 14:32

Run for the hills 🏃‍♀️

babytum · 28/07/2023 14:33

Nope.

Glitterbiscuits · 28/07/2023 14:35

No.

RedHelenB · 28/07/2023 14:36

He can represent himself for child access arrangements, very little cost involved.

NCforthat · 28/07/2023 14:36

He needs to agree a payment plan with his lawyers, rather than borrowing money from friends to pay them off. And yes, that means he will be paying off those debts for a long long time. How long have you been with him anyway? Just say no and don’t blend families until he sorts out his divorce.

CurlewKate · 28/07/2023 14:36

Absolutely not. And don't take any more steps towards a blended family until he is properly divorced. And, for the love of God, use reliable contraception that YOU are in charge of. Every Single Time.

TeddyFluff · 28/07/2023 14:36

Another resounding no. Don’t be a fool OP. Your relationship won’t last when you are no longer financially valuable to him.

KitchenSinkLlama · 28/07/2023 14:36

Giving him money is stopping you provide/save for your and your children's future. This is a man who could cut ties with you by blocking your phone number. Don't do it.

INeedAnotherName · 28/07/2023 14:37

Actually is it the divorce he's fighting or the custody agreement? Is he protracting it all unnecessary? Could he go to mediation instead?

I went to see a solicitor recently and they advised not to fight for 60/40 split if DH refused because the fight could wipe it out the extra 10%, better to say fine 50/50. Is this what your bf is fighting?

Investigate it more, see exactly where the problem is and whether his stance is reasonable or if he is ignoring legal advice. If he needs £5K to wrap it up and get the judges consent then maybe but I would still be very wary. Not all Exs are crazy for no reason.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/07/2023 14:39

Hell no!!

Why is he even aware of your financial position? Those matters should be private.

Now he's licking his chops over your money. And got you making excuses for him.

Take a step back; is that a man you can respect? Real men get out there and hustle for more money, they don't shake down their girlfriends.

Dweetfidilove · 28/07/2023 14:39

Sweet Lord Jesus 😿

He is married, broke, unwell, shameless and should not be dating.

Why, OP?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/07/2023 14:40

NO and he's a CF to ask
Do not let him talk you round

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