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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 29/07/2023 05:25

Why are you even with him?

he sounds like a liability.

mathanxiety · 29/07/2023 05:39

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 21:25

Thanks.

Ex coercively controlled him, and still tries to, including using threats, I know people who know her, have witnessed it, and the situation and there are legitimate reasons why he needs to go to court. I’m surprised at the repeated assumption on MN that a Dad should be happy with less than 50% residency with his children as if some Dads have not done at least 50% of looking after their children thus far, which he has.

That doesn’t excuse his readiness to borrow money, I know, but not every situation can he so simply caricatured and typecast.

The home is for me & my kids, yes.

I do want to continue the relationship but I need to be careful about boundaries.

So does he have you lined up to take care of his child while he works?

Or is he going to continue to take care of the child during his future 50% of residency? And if so, when is he going to work? Are you going to support everyone?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2023 06:36

You have received third hand info re his ex from sources which may well be biased and or otherwise unreliable. This is another red flag here.

Indeed you need to be careful about boundaries. you’re not being careful about those currently. They’re all
over the place here.

Why are your boundaries so low here that you’ve allowed this man to shoulder barge his way into your life?. Clearly you do not know this person half as much as you think or even thought you did.

I think you need to ask yourself why you want to continue this relationship and be honest with yourself why.

JFDIYOLO · 29/07/2023 07:36

Does he have a job? How do his earnings compare to yours?

LlynTegid · 29/07/2023 07:41

@AcrossthePond55 gave good advice I cannot add to, other than agreeing.

Cornishclio · 29/07/2023 08:48

I don't necessarily think your BF is trying to fleece you or scam you but it seems as if he is not financially solvent so I would steer clear until you see some sign he is sorting himself out independently without borrowing from friends or you. If he can't negotiate childcare without court costs is that down to him or his ex?

frazzledasarock · 29/07/2023 08:52

With his crippling back pain, does he have a full time job?

if he has a full time job how does he care for his children more than 50% of the time?

Mix56 · 29/07/2023 09:10

Oh dear, One of my oldest friends had this scenario. He milked her for years, his youngest entitled madam daughter was moved in, it was mayhem.
He became "Lord of the Manor", & she worked & paid for his hobby & kids.
Everyone could see he was just there for an easy ride, but her.
(He had been in clink for cooking the books before she met him. Funny that ....)

ZekeZeke · 29/07/2023 09:29

Where does he currently live?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 29/07/2023 09:51

You don't need this man, focus on yourself and your kids.

Be single and happy.

Do not let this or any man rob you and bring you down.

WhatBloodyNow · 29/07/2023 11:47

If he intends to have his kids 50% of the time, presumably they will be at your house 50% of the time? Which means he will have to work part time in order to be around on the days he has them.

How will he pay 50% of the costs for him and his children - and pay back the debt he owes - if he's only working part time? Can he even work part time if he has a 'bad back'?

Or, is his plan to let you earn the money and sort the kids out while he does... what exactly?

Also, I'm not at all surprised to hear there's a 'crazy ex' in the background. Honestly, this is straight out of the cocklodger's playbook.

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2023 12:02

OK so best case scenario- he has no qualms asking his new partner for money for his divorce. Which, is fucking cheeky af. He still iwes his friend money too..what happened to that? He should be paying that back before proceeding any further in the divorce don't you think?

AND he (apparenly) has a crazy ex. One so bad she makes threats against him. Umm..why would you get involved with this? You have kids ffs! If he has kids with his ex, SHE will be in your lives and your children's lives forever. Fuck that! Never invite crazy into your life. What, you expect this guy to protect you from it? This guy?! Good luck with that!

Worst case scenario, its the standard 'my ex is crazy' bs. Oh and btw its perfectly possible that other people are saying shes crazy because, madcap notion, he told them she was crazy!

Either way, he's told you he's missing something fundamental in terms of moral fibre. No decent man would ask you to pay for their divorce. Let alone the whole car thing. He's telling you who he is.

And no, you don't need to adjust your boundaries so that he doesn't walk all over them. You need to adjust your boundaries so that you don't date pisstakers. Saying 'no' to his request is NOT having boundaries. Because you're still dating someone who would brazenly ask for what he has in the first place. He isn't normal. He's a bad'un op. Wake up and smell the coffee babe! Stay safe!

TalkRoundtheTable · 29/07/2023 12:36

Have you seen proof that he has actually filed for divorce ?

Are you keen to be a step parent after the divorce ?

I would take steps to guard your assets for you & your children for now & for the future

Sandra1984 · 29/07/2023 13:25

@Pinkbonbon Worst case scenario, its the standard 'my ex is crazy' bs.

from personal experience …she was probably normal before she met him, he made her crazy. Always run away from a man who tells you “my ex is crazy”.

Valeriekat · 29/07/2023 21:41

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:43

Thanks all. The relationship isn’t based on my financial value, though I know there’s men/people out there for whom that’s true. We were friends before & I know him very well. But I need to express a boundary here with him. I agree it’s a no.

Yeah right! Keep telling yourself that.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/07/2023 23:21

Another hard hard NO

this is your kids money x

frazzledasarock · 30/07/2023 01:04

How long has he owed his friend money for?

and he’s still on the scrounge?

admit it you know deep down if you lend him money you’ll never see it again.

Pegasus41 · 07/08/2023 23:32

He has asked to borrow my car to drive his son to Scotland as it’s more fuel efficient than his, and I’m going to be away (and not needing my car). The thing is that when I went through a brief period of not having a car he offered his whenever I needed it, and I did drive it sometimes, and I know if the shoe were on the other foot he’d lend the more fuel efficient car to me, but I am still feeling a bit irked by it. It will put 600 miles on my clock.

OP posts:
Pegasus41 · 07/08/2023 23:35

I have said I can’t lend him money for solicitor fees. He accepted it, and another friend is willing to lend if he needs it.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 07/08/2023 23:44

Pegasus41 · 07/08/2023 23:32

He has asked to borrow my car to drive his son to Scotland as it’s more fuel efficient than his, and I’m going to be away (and not needing my car). The thing is that when I went through a brief period of not having a car he offered his whenever I needed it, and I did drive it sometimes, and I know if the shoe were on the other foot he’d lend the more fuel efficient car to me, but I am still feeling a bit irked by it. It will put 600 miles on my clock.

If you want to be with him you probably have to accept the fact he's a CF in disguise. He'll take what he can get.

Look after yourself and say no whenever you want to say no.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/08/2023 23:48

🌺

Pegasus41 · 07/08/2023 23:54

Thanks @SunshineAndFizz
He grew up often starving before taken into social care as a kid. He has a decent job now but is habituated from early life to hustling & taking opportunities. I guess it doesn’t always feel good when that happens with me. He’s also very generous to his former foster family and some friends who are poorer than him. I don’t mind paying for things I want to do with him — that’s my choice as a grown up. Agree I need to look after myself/my kids.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 08/08/2023 00:19

So he's asking for solicitor fees to pay for his divorce and for your car to drive 600 m to Scotland. That's a lot of asking in very little time when you're not really an item yet. Wait till you guys move in together, blend the family and you've 100% emotionally invested in him. You really need to protect your assets with this one OP because he has more red flags than a Putin convention. And don't get married because you'll have to split 50-50 your assets with him if you guys get divorced, plus you'll be unable to kick him and his kids out of the house and will need to buy him a property.

Humpobottomous · 08/08/2023 00:30

Oh for goodness sake, find someone else who has their life in order and financially viable. He’s using you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 08/08/2023 00:45

No - and never.
Sorry I don't buy the premise that the car caused him back pain.

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