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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
annonymousse · 28/07/2023 14:40

Another no here. I'm afraid he saw you coming. Cut your losses and get out now. He's not good enough for you.

userxx · 28/07/2023 14:41

It's a no from me.

toochesterdraws · 28/07/2023 14:42

Nope.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 28/07/2023 14:43

He really saw you coming, OP.
Be very careful.

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:43

Thanks all. The relationship isn’t based on my financial value, though I know there’s men/people out there for whom that’s true. We were friends before & I know him very well. But I need to express a boundary here with him. I agree it’s a no.

OP posts:
AnImaginaryCat · 28/07/2023 14:43

Don't even need the benefit of hindsight for this. It's a no.

Nothing positive will come of it.

Westfacing · 28/07/2023 14:44

Forget this blended family lark.

Think of your children, particularly as their father is dead.

Dombasle · 28/07/2023 14:44

Please do not lend/give any money to him.

Personally I don't think you should have got involved with anyone still in the throes of divorce but as you are now seeing him, you are in a position where you and your children must come first.

If he borrows money off you but you split in a years time you've lost that money forever.

Everyone is a lovely person before they borrow money. Afterwards, their true colours may emerge.

Take a step back from HIS divorce and provide for you and yours only.

VeronicaMars2023 · 28/07/2023 14:47

Hard no. You’ve already stated that you’re the sole provider for your kids. Everything you divert to him is a reduction of the resources available for their futures.

backagain999 · 28/07/2023 14:47

I'd be taking the money for the car back too. He's your boyfriend at this stage, not your partner, and not your responsibility. Swift lurch backwards required in terms of the balance here in dependence

Treesinmygarden · 28/07/2023 14:49

! million per cent definitely not!

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/07/2023 14:49

You're already planning on "blending families" with a man who is still married? What?? You're with a married man, OP. You're the other woman. Come on.

UnsungShero · 28/07/2023 14:50

Absolute no from me too.

You need to be careful with this guy, OP. He shouldn’t be taking money from you/your children.

Im surprised at the brass neck of him- usually they build up slowly asking for money for car repairs or new trainers. Unusual to see them going straight for a car/legal fees.

QuietDragon · 28/07/2023 14:56

Not a chance!

Your money is for your children and their futures, he's a grown man and can sort himself out.

If you didn't have dependent DC then it would your choice, but I still wouldn't do it.

That car money is also yours! Put it towards your children's driving lessons in the future.

ZekeZeke · 28/07/2023 14:57

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:43

Thanks all. The relationship isn’t based on my financial value, though I know there’s men/people out there for whom that’s true. We were friends before & I know him very well. But I need to express a boundary here with him. I agree it’s a no.

How does he commute at the moment?
Does he borrow your lovely new car for his sore back?

Westfacing · 28/07/2023 14:57

In my opinion he's not a good egg - a decent man wouldn't be asking for money from a young widowed mother.

GG1986 · 28/07/2023 14:59

No definitely don't do it!!! You have your own children to think of and they should absolutely come first. Imagine if you paid him for his divorce and then he leaves you or never pays you back.

MNetcurtains · 28/07/2023 15:02

I see you've already decided it's a 'no'. Good. " is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees". HUGE red flag. How the heel is he going to pay all this back?

AquamarineGlass · 28/07/2023 15:02

It just doesn't feel an appropriate thing to lend him money for. Why is the divorce costing so much? They needn't. Is he being unreasonable in his demands?

How will he even pay it back? He'll have to pay his friend back first.

If the banks won't give him a loan that take that as a clear sign that he is not considered a good credit risk!!!

Personally I would lose respect for someone seeking money from others for their divorce costs, but i don't know all the circumstances here.

For your sons surely you want a responsible, self-supporting man as a role model?

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 15:07

😂😂😂😂😑 no.

No need to move him in, pay his fees, give him a car, no.
Do NOT financially tie yourself with this man, he can sort himself out, think of YOUR children and protect them emotionally and financially.

tescocreditcard · 28/07/2023 15:07

He has no assets
He doesn't earn enough to support himself
He's in debt
He has no car
He has bad health (back)

You are way out of his league. He can represent himself in court if he can't afford representation.

Do you mind me asking where you met? It's really a bit odd that you'd even go on a date with him to be honest.

Sadlysadsad · 28/07/2023 15:09

I actually fluid lend my (now) exh a good 11k when we had been together some time and he was mid divorce (wasn’t OW or anything, just v long divorce)
We are now divorced, but throughout he refused to return that money, he had every excuse under the sun.

I wouldn’t do it again, but if you do I would advise a very unromantic contract.

I have divorced in court and been to family court over the children and the latter can cost many, many thousands of pounds so he’d need some clear idea of how to pay that back, and you’d need a cut off for when that money isn’t enough.

mathanxiety · 28/07/2023 15:15

He is choosing to battle his ex over child arrangements - I'd like to know what exactly is the bone of contention here.

Do not loan him the money. He can suck up whatever arrangement his ex is proposing until he has the money to take her back to court if it's not working out for the child.

But I have a sneaking feeling he's being a dick over the custody/ visitation thing, and I think you need to run for the hills. Most divorcing couples manage to compromise, and there are default visitation options that most people accept.

Don't get involved with someone who has racked up substantial debt in order to fight someone he used to love.

FancyFran · 28/07/2023 15:18

Sorry but I think you have been hoodwinked. A very dear friend met a fella, paid his divorce fees. Terrible back story of a horrible ex wife blah blah. Later she married him after we were all removed from her life. My DD is her god child, she hasn't seen her for years. He has never worked since. She's a big cheese, he is an arse sitter.
The most searched for status on dating sites is widow. Sad but true. Jane Fallon wrote a novel recently based on a friend's experience.
Buy your new home but ffs don't move him in.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 28/07/2023 15:20

He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it

From driving a car that you had previously had as a family car? What car was it?

I would say that any money that you have because of the loss of your children's father (sorry you didn't say husband) isn't really yours to give away, it is for the children and you.

I would also run