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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/07/2023 15:22

No, no, no, no, no!!!!
This guy is taking the piss, you'll be ditched when you've enabled him to divorce, marry you and quickly take you to court for his share of the life you have 100% paid for. Find a better man. Your kids deserve better!

Susieb2023 · 28/07/2023 15:23

He’s married and you’re blending families and considering lending him money.

Jeez!

Were you the OW, is there a reason where somewhere deep down he thinks you should help finance the divorce?

cocksstrideintheevening · 28/07/2023 15:25

Fuck no.

JudyGemstone · 28/07/2023 15:26

Noooooo!

I can’t believe you’re buying him a bloody car! Please don’t do this! Why can’t he get public transport? At least make sure you’re the registered keeper so you can take it back off him again. He needs to pay his own insurance though.

re the court fees, why is this expected to be so high?My divorce cost about £800 over all, 50/50 on the house, 50/50 with the kids, everyone keeps their own pension, job done!

I know that’s not everyone’s experience and it can be v long and costly, but is there a reason they can’t mediate/compromise out of court?

Emmamoo89 · 28/07/2023 15:27

Nope

ZairWazAnOldLady · 28/07/2023 15:28

No don’t do that. Take the money for the car back and carry on but don’t lend him money.

NotNowGertrude · 28/07/2023 15:32

Another no from me. If he needs to go to court HE needs to figure out how to finance it. I know from others experience when people have someone else to bankroll them through divorce & court they almost don't see it as money, the bill will be thousands, how long will what he's already borrowed take to pay back? This will mean you're starting life as a couple on an unequal footing with you taking several steps back. Is he really worth that?

I would give it a year after the dust has settled with his divorce & child arrangements before you consider living together

Pull back on the car too this isn't your responsibility

Sounds like you are being way too nice

minou123 · 28/07/2023 15:33

With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income

Can I just double check I've read this right?
At the moment, he is living in his own home? He's not living with you yet, @Pegasus41 ?

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2023 15:36

You aren’t his cash point!! You will never see that money again if you lend it to him.

Prettyvase · 28/07/2023 15:36

Op why is it that financially sound women in good careers and with assets are such a mug when it comes to romance fraud and cannot seem to understand that most insolvent men don't have rose tinted glasses on like women do, rather they have ££ in their eyes and base their love decisions on that criteria.

Extremely humiliating for women. Most women with assets in that position are in denial as it's too shameful to even bear to think about that their lover boys might be calculating and devious.

2bazookas · 28/07/2023 15:39

He's already in debt to a friend who hasn't been repaid. Look and learn.

If he's still not divorced, this relationship with you sounds rather new?
He knows you're a widow, your children have lost their father. He shouldn't even be thinking of asking you for money, or to move in with bereaved kids.

You've already said no to lending money, and a good friend should have politely accepted the decision and never asked again. Instead, he's still chip chip chipping away at you for more money. BIG red flag!

Be very wary of getting into any financial/property/home commitment with anyone like that.

Your children, their secure home and financial support, come first and last. Tell him that there will be no blending family or moving in together until he is finally divorced, ALL his bills and debts are repaid, and he's proved he can support his dicorce settlement and his kid and his own car entirely from his own earnings..... without panhandling from you or any other friends.

Sandra1984 · 28/07/2023 15:41

This man can’t afford to fight for his kids let alone have custody of them so I would strongly recommend you to not give/lend him a cent. Let the mom have custody and him give her money.

ChrisTrepidation · 28/07/2023 15:41

No decent man takes money from a widowed woman with children to provide for.

Throw him back and find a man who stands on his own two feet, instead of swiping yours from under you.

Sandra1984 · 28/07/2023 15:42

Worse than a cocklodger is a cocklodger that comes with kids.

Dotcheck · 28/07/2023 15:53

ChrisTrepidation · 28/07/2023 15:41

No decent man takes money from a widowed woman with children to provide for.

Throw him back and find a man who stands on his own two feet, instead of swiping yours from under you.

Came on to say this, but this is worded much betterer 😀

This man isn’t fully fledged. And who the actual hell asks friends for those sums of money?

I’d be wondering why he has to go to court for access, and whether his ex was a higher earner.

Op, you said your relationship isn’t based on finances, but underneath the money is respect- for you and himself. He already seems to be massively taking the piss which equal no respect.

ScottishIceCream · 28/07/2023 15:54

I hope this expensive property you're buying is for you and your children, and not for him and his child.

Apart from a very loud NO to lending him money, I would also have a serious rethink about blending your family with a man who is already in substantial debt and who is hinting at you to lend him even more money.

Please take a step back and think about what you're doing here. From what you've said it sounds like you're well on the way to lumbering yourself with an insolvent man who's more interested in fighting his wife in court than providing stability and having a good financial framework.

He sounds a potential cocklodger to me.

Nat6999 · 28/07/2023 15:54

Don't give him a penny & when he get his divorce, don't under any circumstances marry him. Keep your money for you & your dc, don't bankroll him, he is taking you for a mug, he is a sponger.

JFDIYOLO · 28/07/2023 16:01

Have you read all the replies, OP? Are you getting it?

Don't be such a gullible doormat / cash machine.

Run. Dear god, RUN.

pinkishlemonade · 28/07/2023 16:03

I'd be taking the money for the car back too. The agreement was that is was for a new car. For his crippling backpain.

Don’t be a fool op, don’t even think about blended families. How will he be able to pay for him AND his kids to live in your expensive new property? You will be paying for it all. Money that could and should have gone to your own childrens future.

pinkishlemonade · 28/07/2023 16:04

You said your relationship isn’t based on finances, but it certainly is a big part of it too him.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/07/2023 16:07

I had a boyfriend like that op. And he fleeced me. Don't make the mistake of feeling sorry for him.

His divorce, his problem.

Sandra1984 · 28/07/2023 16:09

Once he moves in with you watch
how his “crippling back pain “ will interfiere with full Time employment.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/07/2023 16:10

NO!

But if you do let yourself be talked into it: Make sure you have it written up in the proper manner etc.

Wanttobefree2 · 28/07/2023 16:10

No don’t do it, he can go to mediation to agree childcare arrangements surely, you don’t have to go to court. Maybe it’s time for him to compromise..

StGertrude · 28/07/2023 16:10

Absolutely no way.

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