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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
NeedToKnow101 · 28/07/2023 16:10

A big fat no from me too

StGertrude · 28/07/2023 16:11

And don't buy a house together or combine your finances.

pinkishlemonade · 28/07/2023 16:11

Sandra1984 · 28/07/2023 16:09

Once he moves in with you watch
how his “crippling back pain “ will interfiere with full Time employment.

And driving op’s new car.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/07/2023 16:11

But seriously, do not do this.

Your children depend on you! You were already incredibly generous with the car!

purpleleotard2 · 28/07/2023 16:12

just don't

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 16:13

I wouldn't. And I would be wary of staying with him.

It wouldn't be attractive to me at all.

Thehonestybox · 28/07/2023 16:13

You'll never get that money back, and I would see it as giving away money meant for your own children to your new boyfriend.

It won't be that expensive, and he can get a loan, or a extra job. It'd be his debt, not yours.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 28/07/2023 16:14

He’s a using twat. If the divorce solicitors representing you heard you were lending him the money well it’s fine but they’d be giving you a huge Hmm behind his back.

Very convenient that your car which you kindly gave him gave him back issues.

Dump the using man (you won’t though). What’s worse is you’re widowed, let’s hope your DC don’t see him as “daddy” already.

lovenotwar149 · 28/07/2023 16:14

I wouldn't go there . NO. If he's a good guy he'll accept your no. If he guilt trips/plays victim etc you know what you're dealing with

pinkishlemonade · 28/07/2023 16:14

With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income

What do you think the cost of living will look like when it’s time for your children to move out of home op? Because time goes quickly.

WhamBamThankU · 28/07/2023 16:15

Don't move in with him OP, I was recently advised that after 6 months your income is also taken into account for child maintenance if the ex goes for it.

PonkyPonky · 28/07/2023 16:16

Tell him to represent himself in court if he’s ran out of money. It’s literally the only option

Starseeking · 28/07/2023 16:18

No, no and no.

Being in a partnership is supposed to enhance your life, not drain your cash away. You give him money for this first bit, he'll expect you to fund it all. I would run a mile.

Pallisers · 28/07/2023 16:20

He is still married and you are talking about blending your families! Slow way way down.

No decent man would take your money. It is as simple as that. The car didn't give him back trouble. He wanted the money so concocted that story so you'd offer to buy him one and he could ask for the money instead.

He already owes a lot of money to a friend. How many friends do you owe money to? How many people do you know who owe a friend a large amount?

And why does he have to court about childcare? What do you really know about how and why his marriage ended.

DMLady · 28/07/2023 16:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 14:25

No no and no again. Why is such a man your boyfriend at all?. Where’s your head at?. You’re the other woman here in this scenario as he’s not even divorced yet.

Raise your standards and boundaries a lot higher here through therapy and dump his sorry arse.

She’s not the OW unless he’s still in a relationship with his wife, which he’s clearly not.

chocobaby · 28/07/2023 16:21

Prettyvase · 28/07/2023 15:36

Op why is it that financially sound women in good careers and with assets are such a mug when it comes to romance fraud and cannot seem to understand that most insolvent men don't have rose tinted glasses on like women do, rather they have ££ in their eyes and base their love decisions on that criteria.

Extremely humiliating for women. Most women with assets in that position are in denial as it's too shameful to even bear to think about that their lover boys might be calculating and devious.

Here’s a mic 🎤 @Prettyvase please say it louder

DMLady · 28/07/2023 16:22

ZekeZeke · 28/07/2023 14:28

Why did you get involved with a married man? Because thats what he is.

The car offer was generous of you.
What is he currently using for transport?

You know there’s a difference between getting involved with a married man who is still actively in a relationship with his wife and one who’s not yet divorced but not in a relationship, right?

Feverly · 28/07/2023 16:22

Do your traumatised kids need to have this bloke moved in to their home? How does it prioritise and centre them? Why not just date him without the drudgery of housing him and his kid?

Doggymummar · 28/07/2023 16:24

My solicitors fees were over 30k and my exh were more. Do you really want to lend him that? We put a charge on our house and split what was left. Any reason he can't do that?

DMLady · 28/07/2023 16:24

OP, I completely get why you don’t want to pay towards your partner’s legal costs, and I think you should go with your instinct. I also think you sound really lovely and very sensible, so personally — unless your instinct agrees — I’d take the advice to LTB with a pinch of salt. Some people on here seem to love drama.

Changedname23 · 28/07/2023 16:27

Absolutely not! He shouldn't be involving you in his finances

DMLady · 28/07/2023 16:28

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/07/2023 14:49

You're already planning on "blending families" with a man who is still married? What?? You're with a married man, OP. You're the other woman. Come on.

She isn’t the OW unless she’s the reason his marriage ended. Marriages CAN be over before the divorce is finalised, you know.

caringcarer · 28/07/2023 16:31

The answer you are searching for is NO. He's borrowed from a friend with no idea how he will repay now he wants to borrow from you. Can't you see this is not attractive. Why can't he get a second job working flexible shifts in a bar or delivering fast food? He's a user and a sponger and you could do so much better. Clearly he doesn't respect you as when you say no to directly lending him money (you will never see again) then he wants to divert the money from your old car (you should have kept) it was offered to be spent towards a car for him. I'd keep money from the sale of your old car and put it in your DC bank account. Suggest he takes a second job to sort out going back to court. You should not be finding him as he's a grown adult. Your child no longer has a Dad so you won't get child maintenance so you need to keep any money you have and not let yourself be scammed out of it by a charmer.

HowAmYa · 28/07/2023 16:33

He could be genuinely the nicest loveliest human who is feeling the pinch like us all and just wants these proceedings to be done with.

I get that.

I just don't get why you are attempting to set up home with someone who's still in the middle of a divorce.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/07/2023 16:37

He is married, broke, unwell, shameless and should not be dating

I couldn't have put it better myself - and especially not dating someone who's widowed and has children to provide for

It's good that he's a longer term friend, OP, rather than just some unknown who blew in with a convincing story, but he's clearly in no position to be talking about a future with anyone else yet

Much better, surely, to hold it at a friendship level and keep anything else for when he's clear

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