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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/07/2023 18:24

Another no way from me!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 18:38

I supported my baby's father financially when he was jobless in the pandemic and you can see by my username how much he supported me back once he found a decent job

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 18:39

emmylousings · 28/07/2023 17:46

Op, I think you must have known everyone here would say no. Hopefully that's helpful. Ignore the guff about him being married, this is 2023.
Can't offer any advice re legalities, but I'm worried about his bad back. That often leads to people being unable to work, becoming dependent on meds, depression, difficulty with sex, other activities. Once the divorce is over...this will be the next thing. Must be bad if he can't drive a normal car.

Yes I would ensure he's helping himself with this in terms of keeping up Physio exercises, keeping weight down etc

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2023 19:17

@Pegasus41

Not only is lending him money a hard NO, but I think you need to give things some serious thought before you 'blend families'. It sounds to me as if this man is accumulating a great deal of (legal) debt as well as going forward (rightly) paying CM and hopefully contributing financially to his children's other expenses until they are grown. Are you sure he has the wherewithal to be contributing 'his fair share' to your household expenses in 'cold hard cash' and not making promises for the future 'when his finances get better'? You have a deep responsibility to your children to be sure that you aren't risking your financial security AND that you'll have the ability to meet their expected and unexpected needs. Is he going to expect that as a 'blended family' it will be 'share and share alike' when it comes to HIS children and expect you to pony up for their needs, too? You can't afford to assume anything nor take anything for granted.

Are you sure this is something you really want to take on? Is he really going to have adequate income to pay his half (or whatever you feel is right) of your household expenses? Please don't take him on thinking you're going to 'cover his share just until he gets things settled' because I guarantee you that day will never come.

If you do decide to proceed you and he are going to need to lay ALL your financial cards on the table in detail (income, expenses, debt) and what each of you expects the month to month financial arrangements to be including his responsibilities to his children's 'extras', not just the monthly CM. And whether or not he's going to expect a 'share' of this house you're buying. You also need to consider 'estate planning' and whether you'd make 'provision' (ie a life estate) for him if you die first. And how does he believe your money should be distributed? An awful lot to think about and not spur of the moment decisions.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 19:30

Not a fucking chance. No way. What a dolt.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/07/2023 19:38

NettleTea · 28/07/2023 17:36

funny how all these divorcing men want custody of their kids, so they can claim maintanance, and already have a woman with a house and a job lined up to take over the mummy role.

Isn't it just Hmm

And that's why I wondered at what exact point he escalated the "friendship" to a more romantic interest ...

Maiden2021 · 28/07/2023 20:20

hahaha I had similar. they were separated. asked me to look over his papers as his solicitor was useless and it would save him £500 in fees which can be 'for us". oh, the cheek. I said no way mainly because he wanted to use me to save himself (not us) money.

I did occasionally agree to read over his employment stuff - at no fee, I am a lawyer- just as someone I knew and I do like to assist- which reading took no longer than 20 mins a time.

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 21:25

Thanks.

Ex coercively controlled him, and still tries to, including using threats, I know people who know her, have witnessed it, and the situation and there are legitimate reasons why he needs to go to court. I’m surprised at the repeated assumption on MN that a Dad should be happy with less than 50% residency with his children as if some Dads have not done at least 50% of looking after their children thus far, which he has.

That doesn’t excuse his readiness to borrow money, I know, but not every situation can he so simply caricatured and typecast.

The home is for me & my kids, yes.

I do want to continue the relationship but I need to be careful about boundaries.

OP posts:
Pablothepalm · 28/07/2023 21:28

Your kids have lost their father and you are all they have. You don’t need another child to provide for. Step away. Support but not financially. Please don’t let him sponge off you as your kids may need your help. Or your grandchildren.

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 21:31

Thanks, this is helpful.

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 28/07/2023 21:33

Oh nooooooo

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees
INeedAnotherName · 28/07/2023 21:35

Most people assume someone who has exhausted legitimate avenues to fund themselves who then owe a substantial amount to a friend before hitting up their girlfriend is not someone you should consider blending families with, especially when you own your own house and he has health issues.

You only have to read these boards in a regular basis to see how glaringly common this is the start of cocklodging. However there are always exceptions and I hope you do have that one. But they are very rare hence the comments.

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 21:41

@AcrossthePond55 thanks for taking the time with this, it’s very helpful.

OP posts:
Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 21:47

@DMLady thanks, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
poppitypop1 · 28/07/2023 23:28

NO!!!

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/07/2023 23:39

Apart from everything else that has been said:
What sort of car has given him crippling back pain?
Is he 7feet tall driving a fiat 500?

Did you experience this same pain?

Have others?

Is this something that needs an urgent worldwide recall?

Ah no, y'see he's special with a previous lumber problem that has been exacerbated no doubt 🙄

Saggypickledtits · 28/07/2023 23:48

The fact he’s even asked should indicate to you the type of person you’re dealing with.

guineacup · 28/07/2023 23:54

She’s not the OW unless he’s still in a relationship with his wife, which he’s clearly not.

Agree, the OW is the woman who the man is having an affair with whilst the relationship is still live, not a woman who than man has started a relationship with after the separation...

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2023 23:59

I do want to continue the relationship but I need to be careful about boundaries.

I'm very sorry to read this. He is not the man you think he is, op. You've got blinders on. No decent man would ask his widowed girlfriend, who has children to support, to bankroll his divorce costs.

10Minutestobedtime · 29/07/2023 00:02

He doesn't NEED to be legally represented in the family court. All he needs to do is to pay a few for his application.

Ladyj84 · 29/07/2023 00:03

Your really should try reading what you've written several times and digest it. Your with a sponger can't you see that. Get rid

guineacup · 29/07/2023 00:10

A little off topic, but the number of responses that take issue that with the idea that someone can reasonably be in a relationship before a divorce is finalised surprises me.

Whilst going through my divorce (which was extremely straightforward in comparison) I was on OLD. Of the 20-30 or so women i explained my situation to, only one didn't want to take things further (ie dating with a view to a relationship) because I wasn't actually divorced! That seems very different to the proportion of people on here who has an issue with it!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 05:01

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 18:18

The man has basically jumped from one relationship straight into another one before the ink is dried on the divorce papers. Men who do this are not any good at relationships at all. It’s highly likely this man just wants some sap of a woman to look after him and also in the Op also pound signs. The fact that it’s now 2023 is irrelevant.

Agree with this. It sounds like he's got quite the victim mentality, too.

If you want him as a boyfriend, fine, but don't blend your kids with him and do not entangle finances. Your children should be your priority.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 05:05

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/07/2023 16:43

If he's a good guy he'll accept your no. If he guilt trips/plays victim etc you know what you're dealing with

Agree with this too

OP hasn't said when the "friendship" turned into something more, but I do hope it wasn't a case of him needing money and making a move on the person he considered most likely to provide it - something which the "no" will reveal

What's that saying, "no one falls in love faster than a man who needs money or a place to live..."

okiedokie1 · 29/07/2023 05:09

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 14:25

No no and no again. Why is such a man your boyfriend at all?. Where’s your head at?. You’re the other woman here in this scenario as he’s not even divorced yet.

Raise your standards and boundaries a lot higher here through therapy and dump his sorry arse.

I agree with everything apart from the 'other woman' jibe. Once people are going through a divorce or are properly separated then new partners are not 'affairs'

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