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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2023 14:47

Pegasus41 · 07/08/2023 23:54

Thanks @SunshineAndFizz
He grew up often starving before taken into social care as a kid. He has a decent job now but is habituated from early life to hustling & taking opportunities. I guess it doesn’t always feel good when that happens with me. He’s also very generous to his former foster family and some friends who are poorer than him. I don’t mind paying for things I want to do with him — that’s my choice as a grown up. Agree I need to look after myself/my kids.

It sounds is if he enjoys being 'generous'. All well and good if you have the wherewithal to do that on your own. The problem comes when he expects you to feel the same way about him, his children, and the other people in his life.

And here's another thing. So he has a 'bad back'? How long is it going to be after you move him in that his back becomes 'too bad' for him to work? Whether it is a legitimate injury or he is making an excuse to 'retire early', either way are you prepared for that?

Are you prepared for his 'coercive controlling' ex to demand more money from him based on him being in a 'two income household'? How likely is he to tell her where to get off?

I think unfortunately he expects others to be as generous with their money as he 'tries' to be with his, whether he can afford to or not. And that he is conditioned to 'hustle' to do so and expects others to comply with his 'hustling'.

BTW, I wouldn't lend my car simply because someone else feels comfortable lending theirs. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I'd lend a car to. And all are immediate family members.

I think you really need to think hard. I'm not saying he isn't a 'good man'. Just that he is not truly financially responsible. You're getting ready to take on a huge financial responsibility in a new home. You don't need someone on shaky financial grounds moving in.

Prettyvase · 08/08/2023 16:41

He really has hooked you in with the sob stories hasn't he OP!

OMG and you have been 🐟well and truly hook, line and sinkered !!

🐬⚓

tescocreditcard · 08/08/2023 17:01

He never stops with the demands does he? Tell him to take his own car. If he wanted a more fuel efficient car he should have fucking bought a more fuel efficient car.

I bet you anything you like that if you sat down and worked out the cost of taking your car and taking his then it would be hardly anything. A few quid at most.

In fact, I'll work it out for you. Just tell me what the two cars are.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2023 17:56

He is continuously asking for things to see where the line is, what he can get away with.
Did you clock up 600miles on his car?
I seriously doubt it, just say no, better yet, cut him lose and let him sink his claws into someone else, he is no good for you and your children.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/08/2023 18:02

He is continuously asking for things to see where the line is, what he can get away with

OP confirmed as much, when she said he's "habituated from early life to hustling & taking opportunities"

If true his account of his background is indeed sad, but surely the question should be whether it's a good idea for OP to have this person in hers and her childrens' lives at all?

JFDIYOLO · 12/08/2023 12:36

You want a hustling, boundary-pushing, mickey-taking cheeky fucker round your children, do you?

There are 4 billion men on the planet.

Look up, look around ... Look out.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 12/08/2023 14:56

I hope I'm not being crass asking this @Pegasus41 but did you inherit anything from your exes death.

MzHz · 12/08/2023 15:05

I’m glad your on the Hard No front @Pegasus41

now you need to be on the “Putting myself and my kids first” front.

havent you and they, the DC suffered enough? You’re bringing them someone who has a problematic ex who will try and taint every second of your lives whenever she can.

I know you don’t think this relationship is money motivated, but if you had sweet FA, you’d still only be on friendship terms.

he’s not even that by the sounds of it.

say no, say no to blending, no to moving in, no to childcare/visitation at your home. Put a solid hard boundary in to protect your castle.

that should be enough to force a conversation to end it, and end it must.this guy isn’t the one for you

he’s just looking for a soft and well financially cushioned place to fall.

he needs to make it all on his own before leaping into another relationship or he will have learned nothing.

his ex isn’t crazy, any more than you are. But that’s what you will eventually be labelled as. He’s not taking responsibility for his decisions or his dc.

end this as slickly and swiftly as you can. Your kids will be thankful of that.

MzHz · 12/08/2023 15:06

Valeriekat · 29/07/2023 21:41

Yeah right! Keep telling yourself that.

I agree

you NEVER know anyone until you’re in a relationship with them. He is not all he seems @Pegasus41

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