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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wanting to borrow money for his divorce fees

184 replies

Pegasus41 · 28/07/2023 14:16

Just this really. Feeling I’m needing a bit of support with it. Currently major financial discrepancy between the two of us, with me having more of the way in assets, though I’m not a very high earner. The relationship is a good one, feels solid, and we’re working towards eventually being a blended family including his son and my kids, a slow step at a time. He’s still in protracted divorce proceedings and is substantially in debt to a friend for legal fees. With the cost of living/having to rent since separating/solicitor fees his outgoings exceed his income and he is now hinting he would like to borrow money from me to go to court for his childcare arrangements. He doesn’t push it when I don’t sound keen, but I know I’m going to find it hard to watch his debt accumulate while in the meantime I’m looking at buying quite an expensive property, ie hard not to feel awkward about that? BUT for context my kids’ Dad died and I’m the sole provider for them at present. And who knows how much court will cost. Also, recently when I bought a new car I offered him my old one as his is on very last legs. He accepted it but had crippling back pain from driving it, as he has some serious back issues, so I sold it instead and I said he could use the money for another car. I was also thinking in the family context here as we give lifts to each other’s kids so two functioning cars is helpful. However, he is now asking if he can use the money from that car sale for solicitor fees instead. I don’t know what to say. He has no family to help him out with this. But I think I feel I don’t want to get into paying his legal fees.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2023 16:38

I have to say that is the least attractive thing a man has ever asked a woman, on so many levels.

MsFogi · 28/07/2023 16:39

Do not have ANY financial involvement with this man!!!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 28/07/2023 16:39

Definitely not and don't marry him either. You don't want him having half the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2023 16:43

Op, I read your opening post and I freely admit I have not read a single reply or update.

FUCK NO. Don't ever give him anything to pay his solicitor's fees or for anything else.

Hell NO and NO NO NO again.

You have your children and your future to provide for. How dare he even ask this of you?

Sorry, but I see massive red flags from this man. He sees a meal ticket, a guarantee it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/07/2023 16:43

If he's a good guy he'll accept your no. If he guilt trips/plays victim etc you know what you're dealing with

Agree with this too

OP hasn't said when the "friendship" turned into something more, but I do hope it wasn't a case of him needing money and making a move on the person he considered most likely to provide it - something which the "no" will reveal

HoldOnMiGenna · 28/07/2023 16:46
Happy Birthday Owl GIF by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Sass Crise! No, your "relationship" is not solid. You are the side piece minding a married bruk pocket man!
Why did you take up with a broke married man who priority is " next woman" before " doing the utmost to facilitate a divorce that won't fuck with my Kids' noggins too much and finding suitable accommodation that facilitates custody arrangements that do not entail the labour or resources of another woman"?
Your priority is your child and making sure that you do not pass your place by enmeshing them with a No Mark who has no boundaries or resources that enables the continuing of the stability that they have with you.
At least myguy has The Dick Of Death, right? Because, as the old time Bosom Hoikers used to say" it can only be the cocky that turn her so fool for people man weh nuh 'ave nuttin'".
Ghost this chancer and give yourself at least a year's deliberate Celibacy to gain perspective, accountability, reorientation and an appreciation for peace and stability.
This man sees a loophole ( justifiably) in your " centredness". Because ain't nothing in your OP that doesn't suggest a subconscious wish for self sabotage and making your dearest suffer for it, too.
Get right.

oakleaffy · 28/07/2023 16:48

@Pegasus41 Have you any idea how expensive divorce is?
NO WAY!!!!

Complete and utter USER. Unreal.

I paid my own. Wouldn't dream of asking others to pay.

You'll never see that money again.

RUN.

Floppyelf · 28/07/2023 16:51

Is he a language teacher in London by any chance?

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2023 16:58

Are you sure he is still married? My ex tells people we are still married we arnt he also borrowed money for the divorce he hasn't paid a penny towards....

AgnesX · 28/07/2023 16:58

In a word no. You even have to ask?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 16:59

ChrisTrepidation · 28/07/2023 15:41

No decent man takes money from a widowed woman with children to provide for.

Throw him back and find a man who stands on his own two feet, instead of swiping yours from under you.

This. OP, come on. His back was sore was it? Driving a car he was given? What are you doing op? Come on. Why do you think you are responsible for this man? He's a fully functional adult is he not? You are responsible for your children only. Please whatever you do, don't marry him. Please put your children's security first. He's a bad un and I dont care how long you have known him. He certainly seems to think he's entitled to your money. You are ignoring a parade of red flags. Why?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 28/07/2023 17:03

Floppyelf · 28/07/2023 16:51

Is he a language teacher in London by any chance?

Sounds like you might have some experience Flowers

FWIW OP DH was going through a Divorce when he met me but left it until everything was settled before he even asked me out. He didn't want to complicate the Divorce or cause me any stress.

I know that's pretty unusual but he's always been a a kind and considerate bloke.

Yours just sounds like a massive Cocklodger.

Soupsetscared · 28/07/2023 17:09

Well he's seen you coming. Do not give or lend him money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 17:15

He saw you coming a mile off and has also seen pound signs.

You certainly do not know him half as much as you think you do. Don't risk yours and your kids futures on such an opportunistic cocklodger.

Banana1979 · 28/07/2023 17:18

Some silly comments on here talking about whether he is married or not, he is not with the wife anymore, for all manner of reasons that we couldn’t know
millions of people around the world find new relationships before they are properly divorced legally.
as for the money, I wouldn’t give it to him that money is for you and your children. You are not his wife.He will need to get another job in order to pay for the fees

ActDottie · 28/07/2023 17:19

Just say no and explain why you are happy for it to go on a car.

SpringSummerDreamer · 28/07/2023 17:21

VeronicaMars2023 · 28/07/2023 14:47

Hard no. You’ve already stated that you’re the sole provider for your kids. Everything you divert to him is a reduction of the resources available for their futures.

Just this, many times over.

NettleTea · 28/07/2023 17:36

funny how all these divorcing men want custody of their kids, so they can claim maintanance, and already have a woman with a house and a job lined up to take over the mummy role.

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 17:39

My jaw dropped at him suggesting you sornd your car money on a new one for him.

He's a cheeky cunt fucker.

Seriously he's taking you for a mug. Trying to rinse you.

Not only should you not 'loan' him the money, you should also get as far away from this user as possible.

Bet his wife is shaking her head thinking jeezo, he's roped in some other poor cow.

Seriously op. In the bin with this one.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/07/2023 17:39

He's already in debt to another friend for legal costs for his divorce?

Run.

Run fast and far away from this person. They see you and their other friend as cash cows.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/07/2023 17:43

Don't walk away from this man.

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!

emmylousings · 28/07/2023 17:46

Op, I think you must have known everyone here would say no. Hopefully that's helpful. Ignore the guff about him being married, this is 2023.
Can't offer any advice re legalities, but I'm worried about his bad back. That often leads to people being unable to work, becoming dependent on meds, depression, difficulty with sex, other activities. Once the divorce is over...this will be the next thing. Must be bad if he can't drive a normal car.

Campervangirl · 28/07/2023 17:46

The best piece of advice I ever had from an older woman when I was a teenager.
"If a fella ever asks you for money, run, you'll never see it again and he'll always want more"
It was based on a boyfriend who wanted to borrow my savings.
I ignored that good advice and never saw my money again.
I've never lent any other boyfriend/ partner money since.

monsteramunch · 28/07/2023 18:06

No decent man takes money from a widowed woman with children to provide for.

Absolutely this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2023 18:18

The man has basically jumped from one relationship straight into another one before the ink is dried on the divorce papers. Men who do this are not any good at relationships at all. It’s highly likely this man just wants some sap of a woman to look after him and also in the Op also pound signs. The fact that it’s now 2023 is irrelevant.

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