Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

You're not overeacting.
Your partner is horribly abusive.

Your.feelings.are.valid.
Always remember that.

You matter and you deserve to life a life free of dread and cruelty. Speak with women's aid and start taking steps to get away. You can do it. Take it one step at a time.

That feeling in your stomach is your body trying to tell you that you’re in a dangerous situation.
You aren’t overreacting at ALL. Your actually under reacting.
He is really abusive.

Listen to your gut. And change your passwords/phone lock.
Read Lundy Bancroft. 'Why does he do that'. HTH

Hey sorry you are going through this.

What you have mentioned does seem like it I'm afraid. Trust your gut because I didn't and hoped it would get better but it actually got worse over time.

If you feel like you just want to get on day to day and live but there is always something wrong or drama that's one sided. Or you are constantly hyper vigilant of their mood, what may be wrong or what you might do or say to set them off then, yeah that's not healthy.

I can relate to those like doing things innocently being used against you, anger and the horrible silent treatment that never ends. Advice on that, that is to make you doubt yourself into thinking you are the problem and the more you try to communicate or chase the longer it gets, in my experience. Until they decide it's been long enough. It's soul destroying and with all the rest on top it will make you a shell of a person and ill after years of it.

Good indicator is if you can't discuss anything relationship or behavior wise without it becoming a one sided rage, it's all you need to know and you'll likely never get through. They don't want to know, wall goes up.

Be careful of how you proceed because from my experience anyway, blame, criticism or rejection doesn't go down well and it could invoke something.

Have you got friends or family you can speak to or go to if you don't feel comfortable seeking advice there?

Hope that helps and take care of yourself.

Thank you ... I struggle to hang onto the idea that that's what is happening ( or has been)....it's such a mind game ...today ( after weekend of on and off silence when he was pissed off for I'm not sure what) he came home, walked the dogs as I'd had a long day at work , cooked ...was all affectionate....
And I feel like " yesterday you barely even seemed to LIKE me????"
I feel like I'm the crazy one ...

I have sent an email to women's aid so will try and talk to someone there ( am worried they'll think I'm being stupid and every relationship has it's tough times...and maybe I should be more understanding)...

I swing between feeling like that and being certain I can't live the rest of my life this way ...

I feel like everything I've mentioned could be explained away ... ( And believe me he has explained and excused it all...but I do it too)

My body feels a wreck as it's just been on full high alert now for months and months ...I feel bad even writing this as it's been less awful the last few weeks ....

But it's not gone away I'm just waiting for what next and feel like I've made myself into a shell of myself to keep the " peace" ...but then maybe that's on me? If I don't speak up and say how I feel or I'm not happy ....

I'm trying.
I have downloaded the book and have changed passwords etc months ago when things were really bad ... :(
Harder to feel justified now as it's been a lot "better" ( I keep thinking maybe it was a blip ..... But I'm not sure it was..)

I need to go back and read the book ....

Hi love, I was a DV advisor for many years and this is classic, yes, you are not wrong. He retains utter control through moods and aggressive behaviour. You are not making it up.

How do you feel about moving out one day without telling him?

That's where a conversation might need to start - with what you might want to do, and supporting you through the stages of doing it.

And, a DV service will keep your conversation and work together UTTERLY confidential, so DO write in and ask them to call you at a specified time when you'll be safe to call.

For now I'd say, dance on the eggshells to keep yourself safe. Don't give anything away, bright and breezy and normal as poss. You are not in a safe relationship, so you have to dane to his tune - until the times he WANTS to be in a mood. Then you might like to slink away somehow, for a long bath, an early night etc.

Keep safe and ring that service xxx

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid.

That sounds tough. Can you email the main site using a throwaway email?

However you don't need a reason to leave anymore. If you aren't happy then leave. Get it planned first, and know your rights, but ultimately you dont deserve being unhappy for years. Nobody does.

nvm, you have emailed them.

My body feels a wreck as it's just been on full high alert now for months and months ...I feel bad even writing this as it's been less awful the last few weeks ....
Be careful of this. Stress can tip your body into various illnesses, and some of them can be permanent. Add on the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts after years of it then it's really a nobrainer to get out now. I know.

You poor woman.

You are being horribly abused for years.

Your gut is screaming at you to leave.

Please do everything you can to get away asap.

Thank you @Jibbajab
I'm sorry things have got worse for you and hope you managed to get out ...
The constantly second guessing the moods and walking on eggshells and waiting them to decide when the silence stops .... I never realised that's what had been happening I just thought maybe he struggled with moods/ expressing himself so mainly felt relief when he started "being himself" ( as I saw it) again ....or thought maybe I'd done/ said the "right" thing...or given him enough space etc ....

Now I'm not sure ...

I've told my 2 closest friends and they are being really kind .... They are very surprised to hear ( but fully supportive of me). No real family support so in terms of living situation and figuring out what to do next ...it's all on me really ....which feels terrifying at times ...

Thank you ..... I have colleagues who work in the area ( not linked to him) and there have been a couple of times I've almost opened my mouth to ask...but then haven't ...
I've emailed the local service so if they ring I hope I'll have the guts to talk things through ... I'm worried at the same time I'll explain it in more detail and they'll realise or point out the things I've done to cause it ( or that I'm misreading or over-reacting)

The thought of moving out without him knowing terrifies me ( in terms of his reaction and in terms of thinking he would have no idea it was coming)....

I feel like I'm suddenly trapped in a situation I had no idea was happening . And then I constantly question myself ....maybe I've done something wrong , maybe I AM selfish , only think of myself ( and all the other things he's suggested is the "actual" problem in our relationship)...

I know I need to keep things seeming " fine" though.... No provocation ...and yes till the " next" time ...

I've been there, the feeling you describe in the pit of your stomach when you hear the keys is what has moved me to post. I remember it being part anxiety around what I would be accused of doing wrong/not doing/not anticipating when he came back, but more than that, for me anyway, it was like the....relaxation is the wrong word....it was more the absence of high stress when he was out was now over.

I got out, I went back because he changed (!) It got a fucktonne worse, I eventually opened up to friends and then my family about what was happening, and now I'm on my own and whilst it's been hard, and there has been stress, and this is not the life I planned- I do not have that feeling in my stomach any more.

There's a lot more, but the feeling in your stomach isn't lying to you, that's instinct right there.

I'm sorry you've felt this way too ... I do feel the urgency health wise ( physical and mental health wise) not to stay too long ...I just need to ( safely) figure out next steps ...
At the same time keep being pulled back by the " maybe I'm.overreacting" ....
But my body isn't ....

Thank you ...usually I'm much more trusting of my gut instinct but the last year ( plus) has done such a number on me I feel like I can barely trust my judgement on anything ....least of all him or his motives or intentions ...
I am starting to reach out though ass there's still a big part of me that knows I need to hang onto something safer outside of this/ him....

You are minimising. That is natural. But you are not making it up and you did not cause it, This is just the effects of living with it for so long.

Would you like to split up?

I think the best thing is for you to talk to a current DV advisor who will do a proper risk assessment with you (and I PROMISE not tell you you have caused it, otherwise why isn't everyone like this towards you, if it's you? x) - and support you in working out a plan. Even just talking every week for a while helps, someone who understands and helps you give it words and expression. They can help you work out a plan that results in you becoming much safer and happier - and you don't have to factor in his response at all, but I know that's scary right now, so we will leave that side of things.

X

Oh god the feeling of the door going ...( Even though his moods have been much better recently) ...I can't even put my finger on what's so terrifying but it's like utter dread ....
I'm so sorry you " get" that feeling too ....

But you are right it's the anticipation of "putting myself back on "guard" and trying to second guess which way to "move" so to speak ( not physically just in my actions, what I say, how much I talk ( or don't) to try and elicit treatment that is "nice"). It sounds so pathetic when I write it like that ...honestly in so many other areas of life I'm not that person but it's like I am a totally different version of myself at home ....well it doesn't feel like my home now it feels like temporary "holding" till I can figure out what the hell to do next ...

I know I need to trust and listen to my gut instinct ....I have spoken to a couple of friends ...no family who can really help ....but need to keep reaching out I guess ..

I'm so glad you have got put ...not easy I'm sure ( or without stress).. and no this is nowhere near what I thought life would hold ...but the idea of being able to breathe at home and not have that knot in my stomach ..that's what I'm trying to hold onto ...

Thank you so much.
Big questions and I probably need to answer with a clearer head in the morning ...

But yes I think I do ( except am also terrified of all that will involve) ...

Thank you

I hear you, you're not pathetic nor are you going potty. It's not up to you to manage his moods, he's an adult and perfectly capable of doing so, he is choosing not to around you. It's perfectly normal to be very confused about this, the booking frog analogy gets brought up a lot but that's because it's true.

There are many fine people on here who will shortly be along with all manner of practical ideas. I'll keep checking in where I can, but what you're saying will resonate with many more than just me, you are absolutely not alone in this. MN advice, even when I didn't post and just lurked on the boards, gave me so much strength and kept reminding me I wasn't going mad during the dark times.

But yes, dread, everybody deserves to live without feeling dread.

Boiling frog not booking frog!

This was a part of my life too for nearly 25 years and other types of abuse too. Don't be me sweetie, please leave.

I got out in December 2017. Life is so much better now. You can do this, you deserve so much better than this. Just remember it's not you, it is him, he's doing this. People who care for someone don't behave like this. 💐

There is no way you are minimising from what you have written.

Other posters have known this.

You deserve to feel you have a safe home.

Better a one room studio than a stressful four bed detached any day.

Keep reaching out to friends.

Ring Women's aid.

What about your work?

Could they give you and advance?

What is your housing situation?

Could you rent a room in a house to start?

Anything is better than this.

We are here for you.

Yeah, I only really realised once I have had distance but it was consistent and it went from a couple of hours to days and only ended once I took the blame or brushed it over. Pretty much a cycle of everything is fine to everything isn't but never knew why or would talk about it and always a atmosphere of they are not okay but they say they are.

I didn't think it would happen but it did at times turn physical but mostly emotional and complete mind games and rage. So, just be aware it could turn worse the longer it goes on. To me it is almost testing what you would put up with.

Yeah I had to leave to deescalate as it turned volatile and felt I was being setup. Played me for a while after but has now taken the house and the children and I haven't had any form of contact with them in months and they are playing the victim. So, I'm waiting on the courts now.

I am a guy btw and I've had this from my wife. None of what you are experiencing is a healthy relationship or normal, life shouldn't be that hard or stressful at home where you should feel safe. Trust your gut, plan and get away safely because believe you me, those kind of people sink to lows nobody else would.

Best thing that was suggested to me was to write down everything that has happened since met. When I did that I saw a full pattern and it was happening from the start, I just didn't see it at the time.