Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Thank you ...it's a good reminder within all the crazy making sometimes to remember that as adults we are absolutely responsible for our own moods ...a few friends have mentioned the boiling frog analogy too ....it resonates a lot...

I'm glad the posts here gave you strength too to get through this ..

And I don't think I realised fully till writing it how heavily dread was weighing on me ..
Thank you

Thank you so much ...I'm so glad you got out. I know I will ..it's just putting the wheels in motion.
He is so convincing though with the parts that he says are my fault ...or that he's just treating me " how I treat him" .... It's hard not to believe it at times ...

Thank you. I work full time so could afford to rent if needed ( I'm not sure if an advance is doable but have some savings).

The complication is I ( we ...should I say ...) have 2 dogs who I NEED to take with me .... That complicates things quite a lot in terms of renting and types of housing ....often this is what stops me in my tracks ( that and the fear of having the conversation with him telling him I want to leave). My old girl has some health needs and the other is quite a boisterous younger dog and no one I know could have them briefly ... Sounds awful but I worry what he might use against me ( though I know he loves them )... I don't know, I just get myself in a mess thinking about it ...

It's hard not to feel like I'm making a bigger deal of things than it needs ..or like I'm somehow betraying him by not talking about the "problems" in our relationship to him ( is how he'd see it anyway) !

I don't mind the living set up though as long as the dogs are okay ( even temporarily not with me but safe )

Thank you @JibbaJab
I'm glad you have got out now ...sounds like things are really tough still ...

I'm trying to reconcile how the last 12-18 months have been ( and probably longer if I , like you, wrote everything down from the beginning) and the image of who I thought I was with ....or glimpses of who he might be when seeming to be "nice' ...
But I just don't know sometimes...

How about asking Women's aid for advice?

This is not the first time having a dog has complicated things for a victim of abuse.

Could you ask local kennels could they help?

Ask in work too.

You can do this.

We are here for you.

Yeah I get what you're feeling. Like you've been duped or been living a lie, it's not a nice feeling.

I mean only you can come to that conclusion but I wouldn't treat anyone that way from what you have said, that isn't the behavior of a nice guy to me. Plus just the fact you are trying to make sense of it all, you shouldn't be having to and that's how I felt, why am I even having to question.

I spent a good few months trying to make sense of it and as time went on more and more happened that had no rhyme or reason to it and I have come to the conclusion it just doesn't it was by design. I'm not perfect and make mistakes just like anyone else but nothing to warrant the level of hatred that came out during or after.

Bear in mind also you can't make anyone behave in a certain way, their behavior is their own responsibility not yours so don't blame yourself, it's just blame shifting to not take responsibility or change. If they can't take responsibility they won't change and it will get worse.

But yeah, writing it down is hard take it in small doses but it does help see potential patterns of behavior. Sucks though.

Chin up and keep safe :)

Think of it this way op - even if it was not abuse, even if you're going crazy...why does that mean you need to stay with him?

It's OK to be single. You can end a relationship just because you want to.

But if a relationship is making you feel like you're going nuts, surely that's a bloody good reason to leave.

It doesn't have to be abuse (it is of course). The relationship is making you miserable. So you can end it. You don't need his permission either. You just have to give yourself permission.

Please get out. He's destroying you. The feeling in your stomach is your body desperately trying to tell you that you are not safe. Again, please, please leave.

Just one tiny thing to add to the raft of good advice you're getting OP, don't be put off by 'no pets' on rental agents listings, they pretty much put it on as standard and landlords are often open to a conversation if you ask. I know it's a small thing but if it helps break down just one of the barriers to you leaving I thought it was worth posting

My dear @Eteiene

And then I constantly question myself ....maybe I've done something wrong , maybe I AM selfish , only think of myself ( and all the other things he's suggested is the "actual" problem in our relationship)...

If you really were the selfish person you're being told you are or any of the other negative things you are being berated with, I wonder if you would exhaust yourself thinking so deeply about this, beating yourself up, trying to find the bad person you are being told you are? Would you have that twisted sinking gut feeling as the time for his return home approaches if there wasn't abuse and mental manipulation towards you? I really hope you manage to get out safely and that you have support here and in real life. As for your dogs, someone mentioned seeing if you could temporarily board them in kennels whilst you are sorting out accommodation. Or research short term fostering perhaps? I send you strength and heartfelt wishes for a safer and happier future. 🌹

well done to you for recognising this, and please listen to yourself. this is not a happy life for you, and you deserve so much better. try and stay with a friend at least short term so you are safe.

Trust your gut feeling. Personally I couldn't be with this person as it's not healthy and I would feel disrespected, unappreciated and I would feel like walking on egg shells. To me his behaviour sounds abusive. They say usually if you have to ask yourself diverging that is the answer.

On the dog front, and more up to date people than me will come along, there are schemes and Foster carers for dogs for people in your situation. Or there used to be, I took a few in myself back in the day.

It gives you that extra flexibility to get out somewhere temporary until you can find the right spot for you all.

And on another note, I remember once flipping and speaking to him the way he spoke to me every day for years and he "could not believe I was such an abusive person, it must be my mental health issues around" insert: nonsense/something intensely private I had shared at the beginning of our realtionship

It's not you, even if it could be all you, you're still not a good fit right? He deserves better so let him be free to find it instead of you being the cause of all his problems and holding him back!

And on another note, I remember once flipping and speaking to him the way he spoke to me every day for years and he "could not believe I was such an abusive person, it must be my mental health issues.

I did something similar last month. I gave him the same energy back that he's been giving me all these years and my goodness I was Satan personified. When I explained I was only giving back what he gave me his face was priceless, his jaw dropped and the expression was HOW DARE YOU! Then the rage shouting and darvo happened. But I'm glad I did it the one time. It confirmed he was actually being nasty as opposed to me not approaching him the right way, or not doing things properly. It helped me decide there was no going back, I had to continue trying to leave. But the knots we tie ourselves up in ...

It’s the Cycle of Abuse OP, and designed to confuse you, make you doubt yourself and reel you back into the relationship. I hope Womens Aid can start you on the right track to escape it. Stay safe X

I don't know you, nor will I ever. But hearing that made me want to sweep you up and swing us round shouting "WE'RE NOT MAD! WE JUST REFLECTED FOR ONCE!"

@Beenhereforever1978 💕

Let's get you out too yes? How can we help.

I did the same thing and said I'm not dancing to your tune any more and gave some harsh truths. Suddenly the narrative instantly changed and I became so dangerous I'm not allowed to see or speak to my children any more. Just words on text, wasn't even aggressive or arsey just the truth.

Tis the way though isn't it, they can dish it out but they can't take it...god forbid you stand up for yourself.

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate every single one of them more than I can say 💜
Lots to think about but I'm going to start thinking too of some of the barriers to leaving and how I can find some solutions as a first step ....
@Pixiedust1234 I hope you can find some support too , there are people out there .

Good luck OP, and keep posting

My journey has been excruciatingly slow, mainly due to being financially controlled and ill health, ironically probably caused by excess stress. But after over a whole year of planning, (mostly getting money from cashback and hospital appointments to get more self sufficient) I finally saw a solicitor for an hour's advice this week. Now waiting on something else but I'm about a month away from telling him. Have to admit that alone is causing a bit of panic but I will need to get my big girl pants on.

Apologies for derailing your thread, but please be aware you are not alone and we hear you.

@Pixiedust1234 that last bit was the scariest for me. Not knowing what would happen when I finally tried to go.

It was all a bit dramatic in the end, luckily I had helpers to keep him away whilst I packed.

Have you got anyone who can help you?

@Pixiedust1234 you aren't detailing at all!! What awesome courage for seeing a solicitor , well done!! I had an initial free call with one just to see how the land would like back a few months ago...then things got slightly less awful and I chickened out of doing anything.
Is there any friends or family who can help?
The thought of telling him terrifies me too ...though I'm a way off that at the moment. ...

No call or email back yet from women's aid but did open up a bit more to a friend yesterday who is told tiny bits too but very heavily censored ...
I think seeing the shock on other people's faces ( who know me) of some of the treatment and accusations from him helps me feel I'm not going crazy ....

It's the feeling I'm betraying him by even thinking about leaving let alone saying these things ..like he has no idea.....

It is a "him problem" as my daughter would say though.

He doesn't get to give you the silent treatment, then pretend nothing happened, then behave badly again. Whilst in his head he may have thought "I was out of order, I should be nice to make up for it" that's not how this works. If you behave badly you take accountability, apologise, and work very hard to make sure it doesn't happen ever again.

He is choosing to do none of those things. So no matter how he paints himself in his head, he doesn't really have anyone to blame but himself.

Nobody should live feeling dread. For any reason.

Thank you @Beenhereforever1978
I can't tell you how needed this reply ...
I've been twisting myself in knots as he's been ( grudgingly) helpful and nice the last couple of days ( what I mean by this is actually acknowledging my presence, taking the dogs for a walk and minding them while I popped out for a run yesterday). He's talking about booking a holiday later in the year and I'm wondering if I'm crazy and the only one feeling that this is just so broken ...

Your daughter sounds spot on about it being a "him problem" ....it's just so hard to feel it while your in it ..

There's no apology, acknowledgement ..anything ... There might be if I full out said I'm leaving , though the times I said it felt like he wanted me to leave/ I wondered if I should/ was looking ..it got twisted more into how I was hurting him and " his feelings for me hadnt changed"

It's such a head f*k...

I tried women's aid again today ...nothing yet .... I'm worried they'll think I'm stupid and making a huge fuss over nothing and " normal" relationship issues that I should be able to sort out myself ....