Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

I’m posting to offer my support. I feel I could have written your post.

I am further on. We are divorcing and I have moved out. My stbxh would say that I am holding things up. But I am still paralysed with fear over his possible reactions. It feels wrong to write fear, but that is truly how it feels.

We are at the stage where I need to ask for a fair share of things. He is still trying to present things to his advantage, but my solicitor sees straight through him. Just disagreeing with him, or even knowing I will have to disagree with him stops me in my tracks. I know it’s ridiculous, and I have no problem with anyone else in my life like this.

He has ground me down and I feel like a ghost of who I am. Walking on eggshells, the boiling frog, the fake smile and never disagreeing with him was my marriage for many years.

I was the problem, I was overthinking, I was too sensitive, no one else thought like me, what was I so upset about, he’d done nothing wrong.

He presents to everyone else as the nicest man on the planet. Eager to help, generous with money to everyone but me. I felt like the errant teenager whose strict father was forever shouting “my house, my rules”, or “who do you think you are talking to, young lady”. He didn’t do the silences, but the rage if I even spoke in the wrong tone of voice.

I went to see an experienced chartered clinical psychologist who told me after the first session that it was abuse. I really needed another authoritative voice to tell me I was right, to validate my feelings.

I didn’t have the nerve to just leave, so I said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. He flipped and told me to “fuck off and get your divorce”.

I still need to be braver. I am still in the same small village as him and most of my stuff is still in the marital home. But distance does help.

My family can’t understand why I can’t just get on with things and I don’t how to explain how intimidating I still find him. There was never any physical abuse except he once kicked out at me (but missed) and another time he threw a small plastic stool across the room at me (but missed again).

But waking up in my own space everyday is so immeasurably better than living with him, even if I’m stuck here until finances are sorted.

So I just wanted to say I understand about the wavering and dithering. Not realising that you deserve better treatment, everything being about what he will think, what his reaction will be, what he wants to do and say. You end up feeling so small and unimportant. You start to think you don’t deserve to take up any space in this world.

I think it’s a type of brainwashing. I’m still working my way through.

Exactly all this..... I don't know if you've had a chance to chat with Women's Aid?they have been really helpful (and will do a risk assessment with you over the phone which also helped me massively get my thinking straight) . PLease keep posting here for any support you need, absolutely get everything sentimental (stuff you know you'd be gutted if you didn't have (mine was much less than I originally thought!!) and have it somewhere safe if you can!! 101 pre- leaving if you can is a good idea but fully charged phone, keys and shoes within easy reach , a room you are safer in if you end up having to keep yourself in the house but "away" (honestly all these thoughts have been in my head for months......but chatting with women's aid just solidified it all ) .

In awe of your courage in this...
E x

You are amazing to have gotten to this point and you WILL divorce him.

Thank you so much ........I'm so sorry you are going through this too.. I genuinely can't work out some days how I have got here.... Despite red flags being there from maybe a year or 2 in to the relationship and here we are 15 or so years later!!

I can so relate to the boiling frog analogy and the feeling of fear and brainwashing (even though physical violence has been "limited" to angrily grabbing (not even throwing) stuff... it's the "potential" for me.... the hate/ contempt I've seen at times that scares me way more....

It's hard to explain....

I'm so glad you're out and sounds like you have a good solicitor who has your back!

My best friend came up today ... he was being bizzarely (almost smarmily) nice and I think it helped (in a weird way) both for me to be like "errrrrr...........who is this?? " and her to acknowledge how hard it is to leave/get my head around when he is being like this (compared to how he has been ) .

I'm going to leave some other sentimental / important stuff at another friends tomorrow ....

I'm torn between opening up a bit more to family ..........but have a tricky relationship (and past) there. That said, they would be the next emergency port of call if friends weren't around.. but at the same time would be the first people he might try and manipulate.....

My brain feels frozen ...

and determined... very odd combination of feelings...
Eteiene

Also THIS..... I am drawing SO much courage from those who are further on in this...
I can't even explain - just the kindness of people reaching out and sharing where they are gives me hope things can be different..

Just waking up or getting home and the feeling of being able to breathe...........

@Eteiene abuse thrives in darkness.

Say nothing to your family if they are of no help.

Please speak honestly to those that can support you.

Abusers are such charmers when it suits them, never forget that.

Keep posting.

Thank you - you are right, I suspect involving family (At this stage anyway) could cause more harm than good ...
I need to remember what is directed at only me between the "charm" (it was honestly so unusual the way he was behaving I didn't know what was happening...........)

I'm so exhausted with it all I feel I'm going crazy sometimes and can't tell what's real or not..

Glad you are feeling stronger and getting prepared.

Agree, only involve those you can trust that can offer support. Others either won't understand, can't be trusted or add more noise and doubt.

It was because your friend was there. The old saying, a street angel and a devil at home.

Thank you .
I think you are right about filtering out those who (even with good intentions) add noise and doubt... I suspect this is a lot of what has kept me stuck so far..

I know a hundred percent my friend wasn't taken in by it but it was SUCH an eye opener to me ... the level of difference was ... something else!
Even if I take one tiny step every day towards getting where I need to be it's something ... that's what I'm telling myself at least

Definitely this.

Not a word to ANYONE that would question/doubt your word.

I have friends for decades, whose husbands I know for years....I would NEVER doubt what they ever said to me.

Confide in those whom would NEVER start questioning you and making you feel like you had to PROVE shit to them.

Real friends would NEVER disbelieve you.

My two beasties are 45 years friends, I know and love their husbands for decades, but THEY are my buddies, and THEY will always come first, their word is gospel.

Thank you! I have done this (although there are others who I'm less close to who are further removed and have added to the noise (I think unwittlingly filtering what I'm saying through an "all marriages go through tough times/ maybe it's mental health" lense...rather than being able to really hear / see what I'm telling them) .

But this (And a few other close friends) I know 200percent have my back and will be there no matter what..
No "proving" anything needed - they know...

This thread is inspiring

Similar position except kids too

@Eteiene @billy1966

Yes it's a cunning act and it's so believable because they truly believe it themselves and that's how they dupe everyone.

During my weakest period and subsequent weak moments I made the mistake of sharing and it makes you feel worse and doubt. The majority of people are on my side, pretty much the entire family both sides because mine wasn't so cunning all the time. However, other people that I've known since I was a child are off or distant and I wish I just hadn't bothered.

Similarly, back along at the start one of my neighbors I asked to leave my number in case of an emergency with the children if they saw or heard anything but I could see from their body language I was already smeared. Known them years always polite talked for hours, means nothing.

Obviously in my case being a guy I'm on the back foot from stigma, I'm struggling to trust who believes me, I'm not even sure if my solicitor does but she's been good so far and says she can see it. What pains me the most is I have always been this way, I made a point all the way through not to be like the typical man and treat everyone with respect especially women. Now I'm being smeared as what I have strived so hard not to be, along with being punished through the children. I can't even remember their faces now it's been so long.

These people have no boundaries or morals.

When you do break it may be hard make sure you take care of yourself and don't get lured into manipulative traps or false promises. They may also reveal themselves without any act at some point when they are at the point of no return.

@Eteiene and @billy1966 thank you both. I have no friends, family or money. But I've reached the point where if I don't leave soon I won't mentally survive much longer. I've spent a year trying to figure out a good way to leave and there isn't really one so I will be taking a leap of faith and hope it works out okay. Women's Aid referred me to a local refuge group who have been absolutely crap, to the point I'm starting to think they know DH.

@Isheabastard

But I am still paralysed with fear over his possible reactions. It feels wrong to write fear, but that is truly how it feels.
I hear you. Nobody would believe I'm capable of feeling fear. Nobody would believe he is this nasty. He doesn't even do it in front of the children (who are now adult), always when we are alone. Had never noticed that until this year. Good luck to you

I don't feel very inspiring...but I have had SO much support here , and I know deep down I've had enough of this and need to act and take steps to move forward ..
I'm sorry you and your kids are in a similar situation, it's soul destroying..

If you haven't already , women's aid have a live chat service (I think open every day) . That helped me describe some of what had been going on (in more detail than here) and pluck up the courage to get in touch in person..

Keep posting , keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you , I'm so sorry you have struggled with what had been said/portrayed about you and that must make it even harder to seek help . It feels so unfair to put so much effort and care in and then have it thrown back ..
I'm fully expecting lies/ narrative to be told about MY problems, and how I'm the issue ... who will take what side is anyone's guess although my close friends I know believe me 100% (and have seen some of the evidence in action- confusing as it is too when he is super nice/ polite/ civil in front of them) .

I think it's preparing myself and everything round me for when the time comes to go ..... it's the thought of how much worse it could get at that point (As well as the hurt it'll cause) that's stopping me at the moment , as much as the practicalities of finding somewhere else to live..

I'm so sorry you don't have people IRL who can help . Please keep posting here if you need, we will be alongside you all the way .

@Eteiene Yeah sucks but ultimately all I can do is fight it for the children and that's all that matters.

Yes it may very well happen, mine was under the guise of being 'amicable' although they were simultaneously treating me like dirt. That's why mine doesn't make sense, I wasn't arrested or anything and I was seeing the children those few times and talking to her, seeing her with them. Then bang got what needed, now I'm abusive and the only reason for that is because wants the house and doesn't want to co parent.

So yes be wary of that they can turn and throw you under the bus to obtain what they want or to save their own image. It's hard if that does happen but ultimately at the end of the day you know the truth, everyone else's view doesn't matter. My conscience is clear so is yours, they can say whatever you know the truth.

@Pixiedust1234 have you recorded him and how he speaks to you?

Could be worth doing to show your children.

I wouldn't be protecting him to adult children.

Wishing you well.

@Pixiedust1234 Stay strong I know it's hard when you are alone but there will be a a way forward and you will be okay.

Recording is something I wish I had done, so may be worth considering. Nobody believes you they are good at the show but evidence they cannot deny and you can use that if needed for yourself.

Keep your head up and stay safe.

I think holding onto the truth can feel so hard when it feels like it's being challenged left, right and centre... but ..so central to hanging onto the core part of us that knows this is not okay.

@Pixiedust1234 keep reaching out as you need, my guess would be your children know all is not well?

I almost caved to my mum today and told her everything that's been going on but stopped myself.......I think it will a) only worry her and b) she stayed with a man who was prone to explosive anger and sometimes physical violence (more towards siblings than me) ... I feel like her view is you stay with marriage no matter what..

I'm feeling particularly trapped today as he's been "nice" ......and i feel devious and spiteful like I'm slagging him off here with no justification...

Will be glad for everyone being back at work tomorrow............isn't that awful to wish life/ weekends away this way

@Eteiene It is hard and that's where you choose people wisely to tell because too much of it sets off that doubt. Likewise, the people you can talk to who do understand will be honest and tell you how it is rather than trying to sugar coat or excuse it.

I'm sure that's hard to pretend, obviously I haven't had that part, but has it always been that way. It was only other day you said could see the act with your friend.

Yeah you shouldn't be but it's understandable you're wishing away days, I'm doing it and so are others no doubt.

Eteiene you are being wise. Stuck to your guns.

You can see the truth regarding your mum, so she is going to have to be 'managed' when the time comes. Good thinking; you can see how she is not to be looked to for support.

And re your husband being really 'nice' - be careful. My feeling is, he can on some level understand that you have changed. He can sense it I would say. This means he is using tips and tricks right now - 'If I pretend to be nice, she will stay.'

The fact that you aren't going to stay means he will change tactics later on. Be careful! The point of leaving is the most dangerous time of all - previously he has go you to stay - when men realise that you aren't staying this time, they have nothing to lose and REALLY lose their rags.

Can I ask, do you have a bolt hole you could run to? I used to advise women to have a packed bag - PJs, washing stuff, mascara, work clothes etc - stashed somewhere you can run to at 1am. Let's say he needles it out of you that 'a split might be best, you know we haven't been getting on' and it's late and everyone is asleep. If you were my best friend, you would have a key to my back door and your bag in my spare room and an understanding that you could come at ANY time of the day or night at this point in your life.

Or I'd have that packed bag at work under my desk, or in the back of my car (if that is safe.) There's enough shit in the back of my car.

Also, it is important that you don't waver. Can you do yourself a favour and start a Word document somewhere private and write down memories - like, that Sunday he shouted so loudly he made my face hurt - or that night he banged his fist down on the table and made everything shake - or when he drove home at 100mph to show me his anger.

I would want for you MORE support and advocacy at this point in your fleeing - there is not enough strength coming down on your side - therefore I do urge you to get the stories down somewhere - you are not doing this for no reason, and it is important that you are physically safe very soon.

I am definitely hanging onto those I can talk to (and trust to be honest - my friend who saw the "act" the other day was raging on my behalf at what she knows he has been like also ............others see the "act" as reality and the "abusive" parts they put down to "maybe he's depressed/ stressed at work etc.."..which makes me then question myself (and having had both go on for me at different times in my life I can CATERGORICALLY say I have never (nor would I ) treated anyone even 10% of what's been thrown my way ....

Thank you .........desperate as I was for some "comfort" from my mum, she is older........and having spent mine and my siblings younger years with "well he wasn't violent all the time, of course if a man hurts your children you leave" , I think the adult part of me kicked into think , yes I'll tell her once I've left but not lean for support right now.

yes , have stuff in car and can go (1am or otherwise) to friends if I need - I need to drop some extra bits off this week but that is absolutely in place...

I will try and add things to a word document, I have some written down on paper (Well hidden) but it's probably safer there..

I am trying to get enough support/ outside thinking in place for the point at which I leave ( I agree the "niceness" may be about sensing a shift as well - I also think he genuinely doesn't think he's done anything wrong or I Actually have any intention of going anywhere ) but I've also seen enough "all bets are off" scenarios that I need anything safe/ precious out of the house..........as much as I can ....

It's very , very hard not to doubt myself sometimes, as what I see in front of me and what I know just doesn't match.......