Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Thank you 💗
I feel pretty broken and unsure of myself right now ...... even knowing it's the right thing ...

Hopefully someone might back me up here in that my thinking is, you do not have to tell them you are leaving, or thinking of leaving 🤷🏻‍♀️ they don't need or deserve to know.

@Redruby2020 absolutely!
I know it's so much easier to offer advice than take it ( I'd never tell any of my friends they needed to explain why they are leaving or give an explanation)...
I think for me, there were a host of reasons I chose to say before I left ( at the same time also hugely mondful of how much that could have in reased the risk ). My friends knew I was doing it , one local one was on standby to come round if needed or things escalated ...would I do it again that way ? I'm not sure ...

There's a lot of backlash at the moment feel like I'm literally questioning my sanity, was it really that bad? ( it was) .... lots getting slung my way ..but contacting women s aid again now I'm actually and finally out ...

Just catching up, So glad you got out!

As for backlash, if you mean from him, block him. Seriously he'll probably be giving it every headfuck under the sun right now of still able to get in touch.

And backlash from people who know why you left and are still giving you shit then beware they are not nice people and do not have your interests at heart.

Remember it didn't even need to be 'that bad', you can end relationship for any reason. Even just 'because I want to'. You don't need to justify how bad it was. You don't want to be in it anymore. That's enough reason to leave. No one is owed a relationship. What's the alternative? Stay with someone you don't feel that way for anymore? No thanks.

Let alone him also being an abusive bastard.
Life was too short so you got out! Rightly so. And anyone who tries to tell you that's not ok, can fuck right off!

Thank you ... yes , from him , but moreover than that ( I expect and can understand d him being g angry/ upset etc..) from others , including some of my family who are putting it into a "poor him" " marriage saving" context ...when it feels way ( worse) than that to me ...so then I question is it me seeing things wring and all marriages / long term relationships go through times like this ....

Anyone who starts talking about saving the marriage or that all relationships have highs and lows - just tell them they are welcome to exh and can experience it directly themselves, otherwise thanks but no thanks. My brother was flabbergasted when I suggested he could live with exh instead since he thought he was so wonderful

I suggest you don't talk to them until you are stronger in yourself unless it is about moving logistics, ie onnly practical chat rather than emotional, and i would stick to Women's Aid and those that have already showed you the proper support. I hope once the shock of you actually daring to leave is over he will be less horrible. Keep plodding forward

Absolutely as pp says. Just cut them off with 'You go live with him then'. Or 'quite frankly it's not your relationship so it's not your decision. I know ive done the right thing and I'd appreciate your support moving forwards. If you can't manage that, you know where the door is'.

Pull no punches.

You'll unfortunately find that once we've had abusive men in our life and started to realise it, we look up amd see it in other places around us. Perhaps in a family member or someone we thought was a friend. Often we've been conditioned to have poor boundaries, either by family members being similar to our abuser or by our abuser causing us to have lower standards for friends and new people in our lives.

You may find you need to cut other toxic people from your life over the next few years as you start to see it.

Of course I'm not saying anyone who is initially shocked by the split and saddened is toxic. But if these people rallying around him instead of you, continue this longterm, even knowing how he treated you... ...get them out of your life. I know that's a hard thing to think of doing. But you'll be all the better for it ultimately.

Gardens are safe happy places, provided they aren't filled with snakes. Life is the same.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon and @Pixiedust1234
Both replies made me think and you are right the "Off you go and live with him" is a good idea if things don't shift soon...I suspect a lot of it is initial shock/ sadness but to have had it said from a couple of people who know all the details have been really hard...it's definitely choosing who to go to at the minute you are right...

Just checking in as it's been a while but I hope you are doing well now that you've left him. Make sure you look after yourself and we are still here if you need to vent

Thank you @Pixiedust1234
Your post has been pretty good timing actually...I was just thinking today of how much writing here had helped me get perspective and momentum in terms of next steps. ...and also that things have still felt pretty shitty over these last couple of weeks ...
We still have some contact due to sorting out shared bits ...and there's a lot of "noise" from various places making me question was any of the behaviour actually that "bad" ( I mean I know it was in terms if the impact on me and my safety but others ( including at least 1 professional) seem to have glossed over even the parts that I felt in no doubt were abusive .... and making ne think even though I've left there's an expectation I will ( or should) change my mind ....or show some "commitment" to "saving" or working towards saving the relationship ....
It feels like it cements the story that it's at least partly " my fault" things have got to this and I start questioning myself, who I think I am as a person etc ....

So even being out I feel almost more confused ...

@Pixiedust1234
How is everything going your side?
x

OP...Stay strong..we believe you and no way are you to blame in this. You can always ring us at womens aid.. others To to put blame on the survivor for many reasons, but even just 1 of these instances you described is enough to leave... it was abuse. All the best and minimise contact with him..or have a go between until he has and you have your stuff back. Dont be reeled back in. This is his doing

even though I've left there's an expectation I will ( or should) change my mind ....or show some "commitment" to "saving" or working towards saving the relationship

Ignore them. The question you need to ask yourself is were you happy at the end? It doesn't matter if he was abusive or you were selfish/mean. I sometimes question if I'm abusive to DH, or if am I reactive abusive, or it's just him, but then I realise it doesn't really matter who did what, whose fault it is, the whole relationship is toxic. And who wants to live in a toxic relationship? Nobody.

Don't be pressured, they don't have to live with him, but what I would do is say to these people that if they continue to pressure and not support then you can no longer have them in your life for the time being. Distance yourself for a bit until you are stronger.

Did you manage to get your own place yet?

Don't listen to people who tell you to work towards saving it. It's just ignorance about his behaviour and how it was affecting you.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once and I left. One of my friends said to me 'well you'll have to go back at some point', as if I was a naughty child who'd run away. Some people have strange ideas about how things 'should' be. Later I realised she was an incredibly controlling relationship herself. Don't trust advice that you know in your gut is bad advice, don't doubt yourself.

This is your life.

This was your relationship.

You were deeply unhappy in it, because of how you were treated.

Thats it. Thats all.

You don't need to justify how you feel or why you want to be out of a relationship to anyone.

The only opinion that counts is YOURS.

Would you drink a coffee that had 1% shit in it?

You wouldn't, because thats 1% too much shit.

You wouldn't justify it to anyone, you would just decide THAT coffee was not for you.

The only opinion that counts is yours because it is your life.

You don't owe anyone a relationship with you.

I really hope you can find better therapists and better friends to confide in.

Stay strong.
Believe in yourself and how you felt trying to get away from him.

Don't go back to someone who made you so miserable and treated you so poorly.

Thank you @Loubelle70
I will try again - I have moved areas so the one I was in touch with is tricky and I didn't have a great response when I tried the most local one (but may have been the person/ day so I will give another go - just feels extreme given there was no physical violence - though this is where I was worried it would head eventually.... maybe with no reason (not just me my friends were all saying I should leave without telling him/ have someone outside etc.. ) .

I have got my stuff now (or everything important anyway ) .. I am determined not to be reeled back in I cannot EVER go through what the last couple of years have been like (I realise it's been a longer build up than that but the last 18 months in particular has been unbearable at times...)
Thank you for hearing and believing me.
Eteiene x

just feels extreme given there was no physical violence
Some days I just wish he actually would hit me. It would be less painful than what he is doing in comparison, pure torture. But each bit he does is small, and it seems inconsequential to outsiders so you suck it up but for years he has disrupted my sleep, left me hungry, stood over me while he shouted so the windows actually rattled, the lies and utter bs that morph into true gaslighting at times so I truly don't know what to believe. I would swap all that for a beating, I really would, and yes I am aware how bad that sounds.

Thank you for hearing and believing me.
Always

@Pixiedust1234 You are right- in many ways "fault" doesn't matter , and life is absolutely too short to live in a toxic relationship or the situation that was happening. Its so hard to get your head around isn't it? I think distancing / having a conversation with those that feel like they are swaying things is a good idea ....
Yes , was with friends for a very short while and now in own place (not permanent but solid enough for now!)
I feel too the feeling of wishing he would hit me just to show the absolute hatred and contempt he has shown in other ways.... it feels like it skirts around everything just falling short of physical violence...
I hope you are doing okay ? Any progress your side?
Eteiene x

Thank you , and I'm glad you managed to get out of that relationship .... I think people see things in quite black and white ways (if there's no affair/ physical violence it seems everything else falls into the "maybe you should try and make up" camp!!) . And yes I am sure for some people there is their own stuff going on too.
I hope you are doing okay now ..
E x

Thank you .... thats a good reminder and a very good way of putting it (and no I would NOT drink that coffee!!) ..
The majority of my friends are being very supportive - its a couple who have surprised me with their reactions/ attitudes but I think it's stepping back from trusting that they know my situation/life better than me (they don't) .

I think I've been a bit swayed by the professional/ therapist side of things as I tend to think they will have heard a lot so if they think it's "okay" or able to be "worked through" then maybe I'm getting it wrong somehow.....

But I have no intention of going back to that... Its just making me feel "crazy" and even worse about myself....

Good for you.

There is so much good advice and tidbits that land.

Whomever posted the analogy about the drinking 1% of shit in a coffee comparison to an abusive relationship landed massively with me.

So wise.

You know you.
You know what you have lived.

I totally believe you.

I'm delighted you are safe.

Fxxk off to anyone or any therapist whom makes you doubt yourself or what you have managed to escape.

We believe you.

@Pixiedust1234 is awesome in her advice and wisdom...believe her.

I’m so sorry to read this 😪I feel everything you’ve said and could’ve written this list myself. I don’t think I can help as I’m right here with you, but know you aren’t alone. I get called pathetic and weak when I call out what I think is abuse. Also I get ‘well, if I’m so abusive then you are pathetic for having stayed with me’. Perhaps this is true. I’m figuring it out too, if that helps at all xx

I'm sorry you are going through this too .. wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know it's so easy to say/ see from the outside that it absolutely isn't your fault, but it's so hard to believe at times you will get there.
Keep reaching out , people will listen and help x

@billy1966 ❤

@Cdk92 if you need more support then please make your own thread. Use it to vent, use it as a diary, use it for support. There are some amazing and lovely people here who can signpost you to the right places whilst telling you that you aren't going mad. Personally I think you should contact Women's Aid who can help with thinking things through. You can use email if you don't get enough privacy for a call.

@Eteiene - I think I've been a bit swayed by the professional/ therapist side of things as I tend to think they will have heard a lot so if they think it's "okay" or able to be "worked through" then maybe I'm getting it wrong somehow.....
Remember this. A relationship counsellor will give you totally different answers to an abuse counsellor even when presented with the same information. One wants you to stay with the other person as they are presumed to be good but flawed, the other wants you away as the other person is presumed to be violent/bad. That is why it is imperative you preface your sessions with "I am in an abusive relationship ". I hope life is becoming a little bit easier each day. Well done you!

Thank you. It’s so lovely here, never knew such an amazing place existed for us to come together and support others/receive support. Wonderful xx