Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Listen to your gut.

It wants to protect you.

Get organised and get out.

Tell him nothing.

This should be a police matter if he comes near you afterwards.

He is not a good man.

Protect yourself please.

Good luck.

The thing with marriage vows is they are meant to be for both sides.

He doesn't honor you. He doesn't treat you with love. I'm guessing if you're ill he's a dick about it right? Probably not gonna make you chicken soup and tell you to take it easy for the day that's for sure.

They also, if religious, come from god. And according to him, men are supposed to love and cherish their wives. Not be cruel. And jesus, if you're Christian, was a nice fella, but he also didn't tolerate bullshit. Pretty sure he'd tell you to get your skates on and leave that arsehole behind you in the dust where he belongs.

Narcissists often inspire loyalty. Perhaps in part because they play up guilt for any perceived disloyalty. They train us to be constantly trying to prove ourselves in some way to them.

You don't owe this man anything. He is selfish and unkind. If you lie next to dark things, you get pulled into the dark and then before you know it, there's a little less light in the world.

The world deserves you at your best, your brightest, your kindest. Because you're on the side of good. He's not. So yes, get out for you, but also, because his sort...shouldn't get to snuff out all the lights.

Thank you , I am trying hard to listen to my gut and trying to think straight enough to get organised what I need. ... Its so hard to see this as "Him " and not a "rough patch" .... I feel sometimes like I'm being overdramatic wondering if it's abusive (even though on one level I know it is) .

Trying to list through what I need to do to get organised... viewing somewhere, changing passwords, solicitors , getting paperwork together somewhere accessible (anything precious/ sentimental belonging wise (other than the dogs! ;) ) are already with friends.

My brain feels like sludge sometimes thesedays so just trying to list out everything I need to think of!

I do know that.... and other than the odd incident (every couple of months maybe? ) before the last 18 months I'd say he would have treated me in a much more loving way , been (or seemed) interested) in things I was doing.... cooked if I'd had a difficult day or suggested going out after a long week, planned nice things, been thoughtful ...

To the extent that the times that he'd grabbed things from me in anger (much more rarely ) or stormed out the room/ swore in anger or sulked for (usually hours not days), or the passive aggressive "fine if you don't want to spend time with me" (if I'd planned to see friends/ family) I probably didn't register all that much ... (now it reads much more like a pattern looking back , but I'm still not 100% sure..)

I have definitely spent YEARS (if not most) of this relationship though wanting/ trying to please him, stifling my own needs (including HUGE things/ decisions .. around things like family, career) for his.. (and yet have repeatedly been accused of "not caring about his needs" and "Only caring about what I want" )

And I'm exhausted..

and even if there is no malice in his treatment of me (I'm still torn about whether there is) , I know I cant' be my best or brightest living like this...I barely recognise myself, I'm checked out of every interaction with people at the moment - like I'm physically there but in my mind I'm not...

I 100% believe that if you can just get away from him, the huge clarity and truth of what you have endured will emerge.

Getting away safely is the key.

Go and go now, do not question do not feel guilt. You are worth more than how you are being treated. You will not fix or change him.

@Pinkbonbon
If you lie next to dark things, you get pulled into the dark and then before you know it, there's a little less light in the world.

The world deserves you at your best, your brightest, your kindest. Because you're on the side of good. He's not. So yes, get out for you, but also, because his sort...shouldn't get to snuff out all the lights.
That actually made me tear up. Beautifully put.

OP - it doesn't matter if he is mostly good and it outweighs his bad, his bad shouldn't be impacting your life or your thoughts to this extent. It won't get better, and you know that. Don't feel guilty about leaving. The reason you do feel guilty is not because he's a good man and shouldn't be treated this way it's because he's made you think you need to be - by calling you selfish. He's slid that emotional twist in when you weren't looking.

@Eteiene The above is true in my case. Like you OP I sacrificed my own needs to make my wife happy and I honestly thought what we had was real but it was a lie from the beginning I can see that now.

When I first had distance the heartache and pain I was going through, and still am to some extent, was nothing I have ever experienced in a breakup. It's more akin to an addiction and I believe it's a trauma bond. Even now after everything she has done to me of the years and doing now, she is there ingrained and it comes in waves.

I had it recommend to me to write down everything that has happened since we met until now and what I found was a clear pattern of abuse and it started a month into the relationship.

I believe from how she is, what she has done and is doing now that I am dealing with narcissism and my unexplained fatigue and chronic illness is narcissistic abuse syndrome. Look that up and also the narcissistic abuse cycle, that's what mine was anyway.

Thank you all for your replies ...I forget about the sacrifices I've made for years and am so confused over whether the thoughts in my head ( "maybe I should try again/ talk to him/ maybe he doesn't know how bad this makes me feel/ how close I am to leaving etc..") are my thoughts or his (" maybe I AM selfish, have/ do do all these things wrong/ deserve to be spoken to in this way " etc..).

I'm ploughing on with planning and getting things silently sorted ...and trying very hard not to chicken out and cancel viewings/ solicitors because it's not been AS bad the last couple of days ...and that makes me feel like I'm doing something underhanded ...

I'm starting to imagine the reaction if I tell him I'm leaving ( or even thinking about it) and it terrifies me ... ( I'm not telling him yet btw but just even the thought in my head of it ...)

You are being drawn to do what is right somehow - that's life at work right there! And GOOD.

The others are right - when you are away from this, it will be much clearer in your mind.

But you are taking steps meanwhile and planning your safety.

I wonder if some journalling and meditation would be helpful, to clear your mind?

X

Abusers sense when their victims are distracted and withdrawing.

They are very sensitive to that.

Hence they often behave better to confuse their victim.

This is a dreadful man.

I hope you can continue with your plans to get away.

Any hint of threats of aggression, violence towards you, or that he will self harm, ring the police IMMEDIATELY.

Thank you Billy and Something2say
I am trying to listen to my instinct on this (even though it is terribly confused by the last few months especially of wondering which was is up anymore) . Journaling sounds a good idea (maybe why I started this thread too just to get it out somewhere) .. I do run and go to the gym which is definitely my "ME " time to feel strong (physically) ....so just need to harness that into dealing will all this....
Eteiene
x

Abusers know when their hold is slipping, that is why he is being nicer. You are brave and strong OP, you will escape.

Yes they do, it's a cycle of intermittent reinforcement but also if they are aware you are too far gone, too sick and have used all they can or they sense you rejecting, they can turn in the opposite direction.

@Prelapsarianhag @JibbaJab
Thank you - I need to remember this!! happened the last time I was ready to leave (didn't say anything but was ready to go .. it's like it's a switch and then I question if anything was ever "that bad" ) ....

I spoke with Women's Aid this morning- they were actually really helpful and helped think through safety planning and will send information about counselling, and other support they can provide. I felt a bit worried I was overreacting by talking with them but the person I spoke to was really helpful. They talked about emotional , psychological abuse and elements of stalking behaviour .. which when things are "nice" seem over the top, but are fully there when things are not nice (and things are "nice" right now as I'm on "best behaviour" .

It gives a lot to think through.

Solicitors call later in the week but it's unfortunately looking like someone has outbid for the place I was looking at renting.... it crazy out there , some places you are needing like 50K a year salary for them even to consider rent!!

Onwards and upwards though, give me more time to work a plan through...

Thank you honestly to every single person who'se commented on this , I know I've said that before, but honestly I don't think if I hadn't had a place to vent/ think out loud I would have done have the things I have the last couple of weeks....

To anyone reading this in the same situation, if you reach out people will help

Eteiene x

Glad to hear you have got help and making positive steps forward.

No doubt difficulties ahead but stay strong, look after yourself and remember it's only a moment in time, it will end and things will get better.

Thank you! Yes am thinking that it will be a rollercoaster (and that's thinking positively!) but am thinking one step at a time... one foot in front of the other.. (and anticipating it may feel like one step forward 2 back sometimes...) .

Hoping its ok to keep posting here, as much to get my thoughts in order as anything else...
Have spoken with a solicitor this week to get a sense of what my legal options are and the situation should I move out (which seems the safest/ most viable option in the way I'm viewing it at the moment but my head is all over the place).

I have made a few enquiries with estate agents (including the one property I was hoping to see has now been let but I've asked they contact me if it falls through for any reason ... ) ..

My friend is coming to stay tomorrow so my bag of sentimental stuff can go with her.. and maybe she can help me think through other things... I just don't know where to start sometimes .....

Then I feel like I'm waiting..... for the next bad mood/ sulk/ snap... except that feels really manipulative/ underhanded ... there's such a big part of me being pulled into "maybe I should just have another discussion, tell him how I'm feeling, give us a chance to "fix" this" (I don't think that will work or is what I want... ) . I feel like I swing between 2 extremes all the time at the moment - is that normal? Or I'm waiting for something "worse" (and in my eyes therefore justifiable to leave ) ...

Yes, you're trying to justify it to yourself by waiting for "the big one", perfectly normal, but you don't need to. I'm on a short lunch so can't reply at length.

And yes you can post on your own thread as much as you want!

Yes that's normal and is again the result of abuse. This is the trap it sets, it's an addiction.

You being a rational person with empathy is looking at it from your point of view, how you see things but they don't work that way. If they did you wouldn't be here.

It doesn't matter how long you wait, how much you change and they won't change because they are unable to it's built into them the same as you are who you are.

It's hard, very hard and the truth is it is likely to get harder, that pull is strong and it takes time to weaken. Distance is extremely hard, they will pull out all the tricks to lure you back but after a while you see it more clearly, you become yourself again after years but the pull is still there to a degree. I'm five months down the line and I am feeling way better than I did, I can see it all but still a part of me misses them.

Remember would you behave that way towards them, would you accept if you were wrong and change. You likely would in a heartbeat. They haven't all this time, don't think they will going forward.

Hoping its ok to keep posting here, as much to get my thoughts in order as anything else...

Keep posting. Use it as a journal for when you have a wobble and you can re-read your thread. Even if you don't need to, there will be many women reading, and thinking how it'ssimilarto their relationship, and getting the strength they need to leave

I'm absolutely bricking it for next week. That's when I finally tell him it's over but unfortunately I have to stay until the house is sold. I know he thinks the house is his so the rage will be awful once he knows it's shared. The point I'm trying to say is...make a date you will do it by.

Thank you @Beenhereforever1978 ... Yep that's it, waiting for a "that's it" moment (Even though I've had lots in the last 6 months it feels like the adrenaline lasts a few days/ weeks at most and then I start talking myself out of it again ) ....

@JibbaJab
"It doesn't matter how long you wait, how much you change and they won't change because they are unable to it's built into them the same as you are who you are."
You are very right ... there has been no (real) change ... I'm not sure what I'm waiting for .. because I think it feels less awful compared to how it did say 3 months ago , it somehow feels harder/ less "justifiable" to leave. I think I'm just scared of the reaction too ...

But I don't want to look back in a year, 2 , 5, 10 and wish I'd done something then ..

Thank you , and wishing you so much luck and strength for next week. Have you got anyone that can be around for you after (or before?? ) . Funny when I come back and post here- even if my thoughts don't feel ordered when I post, it gives me a sense of feeling heard and working through in my head what my next steps are.. even if they are tiny steps, even if I pause for a bit...
Will be thinking of you next week too ..

@Pixiedust1234 the best of luck.

Have you removed anything of sentimental value that he might smash?

Have you told people who will support you.

Make sure you have a safe spot in the house and your phone fully charged, a bag of clothes etc incase you need to leave for a night.

What about the police?
Would you ring 101 and put a marker on your number and address?

Please be very careful.

Make sure you take every precaution.