Think I need to leave .....

[Eteiene]

I'm torn between thinking I'm over reacting to all this ( and it'll just blow over) or it's down to "stress"/ depression ....or I don't know what ..

And thinking I need to leave my relationship..

It gets complicated looking for outside help or support from local women's aid as ironically my husband works ( and therefore has friends and colleagues) in a connected area ..so I feel even more trapped...

I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive and melodramatic to think his behaviour is "abusive" but there have been lots of things that have happened over the years ( and escalated lately) that make me question it ...

Of course any time I've raised how I've felt about any of the behaviour ( silent treatment for days/ weeks on end, sulking, mocking/ rolling eyes, passive aggressive comments , swearing and storming off when things have happened that are frustrating but he takes as intentional and " to get at him" ( eg if I've lost something, dropped something, need to go back in the house to grab something I've forgotten, lots of other examples but that level of things ...I think he thinks I'm an idiot ...)

There's been a handful of times he has grabbed things off me when angry and then if I've been upset he's got even more angry and silent..and then blamed me like I'm stupid for being upset ...or like he'll suddenly change and be seethingly angry if I get in the car and drive in silence then he'll be all nice to people we are going to see .... Or I'll hear him on a work call all jolly and chatty and he won't say more than 2 words to me all evening I get short, clipped angry replies and "nothing" if I ask what's wrong ...

Everything I do I feel is wrong or I'm second guessing myself ...there's lots more examples but don't want to "out" myself publicly ....not that I think he'd be looking on Mumsnet but I don't know what anything anymore really ...

I don't easily have anywhere that I can go and I'm worried I'm just making a big deal out of nothing ...

But the feeling in the pit of my stomach everyday when I hear his keys in the door ...I don't know ...

Follow what you know - what are you seeing now is an act.

Get those memories down! Nothing like a list to read through to remind one of the plethora of reasons xx

@something2say agree.

He will have sensed your distraction, not engaging with him as much, more watchful of him.

Abusers are VERY sensitive to changes in their victims.

Make sure anything of sentimental value is gone from the house.

Also the recording of any threats would be so helpful.

Do not hesitate to call the police atvany hint of aggression.

Telling them he has always been menacing and unpredictable.

You are having to flee your home, that tells you EVERYTHING about your relationship.

Women do not have to plan to flee good men.

Don't waste your energy convincing anyone about him.

Not a word to your mother, she will make it about her.

Stick to a couple of real friends for support.

@Eteiene That there is the difference, even in your lows you wouldn't treat someone that way.

This is what reminds me because I sometimes even now think am I overreacting but then I remember. All the times I was being belittled, shouted at sat right next to them and I was calm trying to talk, asking not to shout because the children were there. They stopped shouting only to scream instead. That isn't normal or right especially with children right there terrified.

Not only that the instances of physical I can't paint that in any other way other than abuse, I can't dress that any other way than what it was.

You wouldn't think a woman half my size could be like that but my God she can see red.

Problem is you can't always say to others what's happened because you don't want them to know or burden them with it. So they also get parts of a story which makes it harder.

But yes what others are saying is true, they sense it. I kind of knew how mine worked in that regard the entire time. If I wasn't acting or behaving the same for whatever reason, or I was off or not quite myself they would notice.

You are right!! list in progress....

I know.... I feel like I need to be on my guard and second guessing everything more now than ever...........
and my friends are huge supports right now so will be relying on their support till I'm out and then letting others know (Rather than the other way round)

I’ve just left my husband after 17 years of exactly the same behaviour/treatment you have mentioned. The anxiety and that dread in the stomach is what I have had for the 15 years of that time. I’ve laid in bed looking at the ceiling and asking myself what the hell am I going to do? I’ve also done all the ‘it could be me’ ‘am I overthinking/ over reacting?’ It’s day 8 of not being there and I already feel better. It’s going to be hard, I’m at my friends because he won’t move out. My 2 boys are coming over everyday but the youngest is heartbroken. I’ve got no idea how I’m going to get a house or how that side will work. I’ve parked thinking about it. The husband after being a complete twat is suddenly accepting of the situation and offering to be amicable. My life’s basically up in the air at the min but where that ball of anxiety and dread was theres now a little tiny flutter of excitement. I’m 51 and life is too short to live like that anymore. Good luck, and get away asap. And don’t go back on the promises of change… they don’t. The moods, dismissing, moaning, name calling, gas lighting all begins again!

well done for plucking up the courage to leave. That's next for me - I feel like I need to gather every bit of strength in me to be able to do it... and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm glad you have friends you can stay with , though sorry he isn't leaving the house.... its so difficult knowing what's next isn't it after everything you planned and thought life was going to look like..

Hi you’ll do it, the time will come and something will simply snap, may not be the worst thing he’s ever done but it will be enough for you to prefer and risk than unknown than he stuck in the same shit atmosphere day in day out. Keep in touch, we can do this together x

have you recorded him and how he speaks to you?
Thanks Billy, that hadn't crossed my mind so I've downloaded a voice recorder. There's no point for general explosions because I don't always see them coming, and my phone is rarely with me. However I think it will be very useful for when I tell him I want out (hopefully this weekend).

Today's explosion was because I dared question why there was only one meal when he came back from food shopping. I was putting it away and there was nothing for me or adult dd. His special water, his special creamy deserts, his biscuits, his packup, his bread, his crisps, his peppers. Hadn't even bought any toilet rolls or wash powder. Three large full shopping bags. One meal, and that was (chipshop) pies 🙄

I've not had a chance to read the whole thread but will do tomorrow, I hope you find the strength to leave OP

Thank you ...I feel like I'm waiting for the "BIG" thing (whatever I think that will be) that makes me absolutely certain without doubt I've had enough, but I know that's no way to live or approach it... I think I'm making steps and plans in the background too ... I just feel so exhausted at the moment , but trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Good luck telling him, will be thinking of you. I hear you on the explosions that come out of nowhere.... and the ones you can "predict" a bit more... there are times when something happens earlier in the day that I know as soon as he finds out/ is home it'll kick off into a sulk/ rant/ silent treatment ..
Good luck , you can do this...

Thank you , I'm getting there.... slowly slowly at the moment...

Sorry for cluttering up your thinking thread

I feel like I'm waiting for the "BIG" thing (whatever I think that will be) that makes me absolutely certain without doubt I've had enough, but I know that's no way to live or approach it.
It might not be a" big" thing as such, it might be more of a "toddler" thing. A real how can a grown adult think/do that? The slow and deliberate hand sweep of biscuits crumbs going onto the floor while looking you dead in the eyes daring you to speak before he walked out the room. When the only thing you did was to ask him to clear up his biscuit crumbs. Those are the images to keep me going but nobody, just nobody, would think that happened. I must be mis-remembering, dont be silly he wouldn't do that, you would leave a long marriage because he didn't clean up his biscuits, maybe he thought you wanted to hoover so was being helpful, no that didn't happen you are lying.... it's the culmination of toddler tantrums for me (and why I don't have my own thread, I cant be doing with pp headfucks as well as his).

@Pixiedust1234 don't worry at all, share as much as you want here- you aren't cluttering up anything.
That's an interesting way of thinking of it - maybe a culmination of "are you actually serious" moments...
Yeah I feel I've been sucked into some of the opinions of those around me that are less from helpful ("is he depressed? / is he stressed at his job/ maybe you should go on holiday together and try and reconnect? etc.. ") that have made me second guess everything I DO know.

Keep posting as much as you need.
E x

Toddler tantrums is a good way of putting it. Mine was a mix of that and teenage angst.

That is why it is so important to be careful who you confide in.

You see it on here the whole time.

Constant explaining away bullshit behaviour because posters cannot grasp the concept of the type of behaviour @Pixiedust1234 describes.

It makes for tedious reading.

It might not be a" big" thing as such, it might be more of a "toddler" thing. A real how can a grown adult think/do that? The slow and deliberate hand sweep of biscuits crumbs going onto the floor while looking you dead in the eyes daring you to speak before he walked out the room. When the only thing you did was to ask him to clear up his biscuit crumbs. Those are the images to keep me going but nobody, just nobody, would think that happened.

It doesn't have to be a big thing - though that's the thing which you might use to justify such a seemingly drastic action like leaving the relationship/home for good. It's the intentional steady "drip, drip" effect of adverse actions challenging you throughout the day, every day, making you dread going home, or being in the same space as your aggressor, or saying or doing anything to get them to change for the better "while looking you dead in the eyes daring you to speak". Making you think yourself foolish for being unhappy or trying to explain to well meaning Friends or family how those many thousand paper cuts make you feel.

It's hard to keep your goal in sight whilst you work, often secretly, to get in a position to escape. I really wish strength to anyone in this situation so they can have a better future. 🌹

@JibbaJab yep - I hear that too.... it's exhausting isn't it?

@billy1966 you are right about choosing who to confide in , I think in my confusion and trying to figure out in my head what the hell is going on I've probably relied on friends that just don't "Get" it and think it falls somewhere into "all marriages go through tough patches" (yep they do ) and that leaves me with a feeling that if I just tried harder or tried something different or did things in the "Right" way then maybe it would work..

@Newestname002 I think the working in secret is making me feel so dishonest and going against all my values, I feel like I daren't rock the boat/ speak up about anything as I just don't have the energy for more arguments or feeling unsafe again in the way I was a few months ago (and I fear that's where it would get to ) ..... but it just feels so sh*tty...
and like such a huge grief whilst no one really sees the loss I'm holding....

Anyway , just me and the dogs and netflix here tonight....so at least a bit of peace and quiet ...

i see that , for me it's about feeling guilty for all the argumetns and how she must have felt. then i remember that she was controlling and seemed to care more about initamcy than helping me heal. I remember her being antagonisitic and we both emotionally hurt one another. but i feel guilty. remember we all have two sides, we are all jekyl an hyde. we are all to blame in someway for the trauma and situation. to make it change you have to leave, find yourself again and process the emotions with clarity and not more arguments or fear. that way you will never get past this.

@LostandHealing - it might be wiser to make your own thread rather than post on this one. You are more likely to get better help.

Evening OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

@LostandHealing
hope you get some help from your own thread, there's lots of support here.
@ImaniMumsnet
Thank you too - I've had a look at the webguide (as well as being in touch with local Women's Aid but there's a bit of a delay/ breakdown in what is happening next so just getting my thoughts out here really more than anything.... )

That was my fault @Eteiene . I did a report as some of the deleted post wouldn't have been appropriate for you to read imo. Very jarring.