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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

180 replies

lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 12:58

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
tanstaafl · 24/07/2023 13:04

If the jobs were emergencies, say a plumbing leak, and you’re DH is a plumber, I think it’s just on the side of acceptable to go and help.

Anything else, my feeling is DH should have declined.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:05

Thanks. It was no emergency

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 24/07/2023 13:07

What's his stance been on your decision to go no contact? Did he discuss with you, whether to go to help them? I'm struggling to imagine that conversation

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 24/07/2023 13:08

will he be able to go and do the jobs without getting involved in any discussions or manipulation?

and will he bring any emotional baggage home with him?

if so, then he shouldn't have gone.

if he could treat it like it was a neighbour, and come back with no word on anything, then he's just being a good person

StopFeckingFaffing · 24/07/2023 13:12

I agree with @DiscontinuedModelHusband

If your DH can compartmentalise and do the job required quickly and easily without it having any emotional impact on him then I can see why he has agreed to help

ClawedButler · 24/07/2023 13:12

I agree with @DiscontinuedModelHusband - as long as no-one is asking you to be involved at all, it's OK. I don't think he's being disrespectful to you.

I would, however, be clear that even if your parents give him a message, or say something they want him to repeat, or in any way convey anything to you through him, that you will not be listening. They can tell him things, but he won't be remembering them or passing them on.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/07/2023 13:15

He's either thick/gullible/incapable of identifying when he's being recruited as a flying monkey or he's actively sabotaging your boundaries for some reason.

NoDatingFor0ldMen · 24/07/2023 13:20

ClawedButler · 24/07/2023 13:12

I agree with @DiscontinuedModelHusband - as long as no-one is asking you to be involved at all, it's OK. I don't think he's being disrespectful to you.

I would, however, be clear that even if your parents give him a message, or say something they want him to repeat, or in any way convey anything to you through him, that you will not be listening. They can tell him things, but he won't be remembering them or passing them on.

Also agree with this ^^

as long as he doesn’t become some kind of go between, then just being a good person

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:20

Thank you so much for your replies. In all honesty I dont know if he can fully compartmentalise and just treat them as a neighbour. They are loaded financially and can pay ppl to do jobs for them. It is a manipulative ploy on their part and Im pretty damn sure my hubby knows it. On this occasion he just announced they (my parents) had asked for his help and off he went. Things are tense between us atm might I add. Since I have gone NC with my parents its almost like I have a new lease of life and 2 days ago I returned from a short trip away from visiting our son. My husband (even though it was a visit to our son) seems very threatened by my Independence of late. I still include him in things but because atm he keeps declining, I go alone, and I go alone happily. This visit to my parents to do jobs for them seems like a very passive aggressive stance on his part. Guess he's showing his true colours.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2023 13:20

Awful of your parents to use your husband like this, they went for the weak link here as they could not get to you. This was also done by them to get back at you.

Your H likely comes from an emotionally healthy family unlike yourself so probably even now does not fully comprehend what happened to you. I would talk to him when he has returned about why he went to help as he did. He cannot be further used by then as a flying monkey.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:21

he's actively sabotaging your boundaries for some reason.

I think its the above

OP posts:
mindutopia · 24/07/2023 13:24

No, I think it’s a massive betrayal of your trust and very disrespectful. I know it would be very painful if I found out Dh had any interaction with my mum who I am NC with.

It’s re-opening a door that you worked hard to shut and it won’t be possible for him to be there and not share information about you. His priority is you and your relationship. They can find a handyman if they need help around the house.

Does your Dh have a history of either people pleasing to a disastrous extent in his life, or of sabotaging things you do to be healthy?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:24

Your H likely comes from an emotionally healthy family

I thought that too for yrs, Yet now I think quite differently. My parents are so toxic, My hubby and I have been together for 34 yrs. How can he have come from an emotionally healthy family. He wouldn't have tolerated the leant abusive/manipulative behaviour is fo from me.
Now I am showing the opposite behaviour...trust/love/respect...he is struggling with it.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 24/07/2023 13:25

Ooft. You already know your parents are toxic, hence you are NC. Your husband knows this. I would absolutely expect him to have my back, and he has basically betrayed you. I would be reading him the riot act. WTF was he thinking?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:26

Purplecatshopaholic

Thank you for your blunt, but truthhful answer

OP posts:
Motnight · 24/07/2023 13:29

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/07/2023 13:25

Ooft. You already know your parents are toxic, hence you are NC. Your husband knows this. I would absolutely expect him to have my back, and he has basically betrayed you. I would be reading him the riot act. WTF was he thinking?

Agree with this.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 24/07/2023 13:33

It’s really common for spouses/partners to do shit like this.

Some because they can’t imagine cutting off their parents so can’t understand it being bad enough for you to do the same.

Some because they are cut from similarly manipulative cloth and like undermining you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/07/2023 13:33

Things are tense between us atm might I add. Since I have gone NC with my parents its almost like I have a new lease of life and 2 days ago I returned from a short trip away from visiting our son. My husband (even though it was a visit to our son) seems very threatened by my Independence of late. I still include him in things but because atm he keeps declining, I go alone, and I go alone happily. This visit to my parents to do jobs for them seems like a very passive aggressive stance on his part. Guess he's showing his true colours

Think you've nailed it (that was my impression as well) and I congratulate you on your clear headed perception of the situation. This is his way of showing who he sides with and what he thinks of your independence.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 24/07/2023 13:34

This is how that should have gone

Your parents asked

Your DH said no

The conversation with you went: I know they asked me to show they can still get inside your life. I have now blocked them.

I know this is how it should have gone as that is now it happened in this house. No avenue of contact left open unless the person who went no contact initiates it.

Your no should be absolute. Anything less and your DH is colluding with them. Whether any of them see it like that or not.

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:49

YetMoreNewBeginnings · Today 13:33
It’s really common for spouses/partners to do shit like this.

Some because they can’t imagine cutting off their parents so can’t understand it being bad enough for you to do the same.

Some because they are cut from similarly manipulative cloth and like undermining you.

Good to know I am not alone. I think its the latter in his case

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:50

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth

Couldn't agree more

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 24/07/2023 13:51

Has he said why he’s agreed to go?

Does he like them?

Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:52

I was so hurt when he announced he was going, I wanted to hold it together so I just said "ok. I will be quiet when you return as I am very hot and ii won't be having dinner with you tonight."
He replied "ok" and then left.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:53

I meant hurt not hot

OP posts:
Original poster
lovenotwar149 · 24/07/2023 13:55

now I am asking myself...how I can remain with someone who doesn't have my back. How is that showing respect for myself

OP posts: