Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

he's effectively helping my abusers

Sounds like your husband’s got some abusive tendencies himself. This act of undermining you, betraying you, coupled with his behaviour at any show of independence, is a bunch of 🚩s.

The ones that you love most
are the ones to hurt you most.

You are completely right to be hurt and angry about this. I would be devastated if my husband chose to spend time with people had cut off for being abusive to me.

I'm am no contact with my narc mother and if my husband went to do jobs for her , I'd be telling him to stay there. It's a betrayal pure and simple. Obviously he doesn't respect your reasons for going nc. In short he is supporting their abusive behaviour towards you

I'd insist he does not mention me at all or listen or respond if your toxic parents speak about you. 'I won't be discussing my wife' is what he needs to state.

I can't imagine any acceptable reason why he would have agreed to this. U less he's just spineless and incapable of saying no.

your parents are baiting you, they want you to contact them and say ‘in future don’t ask my husband’ so they can tell people YOU ARE the bad guy! I’m so used to how a narc thinks and reacts it’s better that your husband says ‘ No, you need a tradesman’ or ignores their calls for a long time before saying ‘no, it’s out of my skill set ask a tradesman’. Even if it’s in his skillset he must refuse to stop this manipulation. Of Course they will doubtless come up with another way to manipulate but the only way with narcs is NO CONTACT and that means EVERYONE in your own family e.g. you, husband, kids.

Speaking as someone who had maintained complete NC for 11 years, no, he absolutely should not have gone.

This is a divide and conquer technique on their part and he has walked right into it.

My mother tried similar things with my then husband and I while we were married. He had my back and fully supported me every step of the way. There is absolutely no way he'd have done this.

The support was such that, although he could be a complete prick when we were married, he was absolutely brilliant when we split up because he never wanted me to feel that contacting my mother was my only option.

This is a huge betrayal on his part. And they'll be loving every second of it.

Yep.

Make it very, very clear that you do not want to hear anything about them or what he did there. Don’t allow him to force this information on you by following you and talking at you. You need to look and see if there are any similarities in behaviour between your parents and him. His ability to completely dismiss your feelings like that is worrying.

He needs to have said no and not be there.

There is no way of managing this dynamic from the inside.

DH should have said no. As not something such as a water leak.

if he could treat it like it was a neighbour, and come back with no word on anything, then he's just being a good person

No. A good person would be loyal to their spouse.

An abuser or poorly boundaried people pleaser might do it though.

I was leaning on the side of him just being too clueless to really understand why you may have had to go NC. Or just be one of those people who truly believes you never cut off family, no matter what. But you told him you were hurt and he blew you off, which is inexcusable. So, he is on board with the abuse and feels what they did was ok. Sorry, what an awful betrayal. Seems like your independence may include further contact changes.

Wouldn't matter if it was a dire emergency. If my wife was NC with good reason with someone, then I'd have her back. Every.single.time

As has been said they are trying to divide and conquer. Sneaky bastards

You not only have a parent problem you now have a husband problem.

I'd get rid of the lot, can't trust any of them.

Tbh, with people like this, NC needs to be complete and utter NC. No exceptions or you're not NC.

My mother tried to find reasons to contact me/us for 5 years after we went NC. 5 years it took. Can you imagine how much longer it would have taken had there been times when we'd let it happen?

If you look at the past, before you went NC, was your DH already undermining your efforts to put boundaries in place?
Have you noticed that he is not respecting your boundaries in other areas?

Because the sulking because you went away to see your ds - a visit he declined - is telling me he is manipulative in other areas too….

You know they are manipulative and so it’s not a far stretch of the imagination that they’ve manipulated him too.

Yes he doesn’t have the same ties as you do with them but he’s known them for 34 years and so I can see how easy it would be to feel bad for not doing them a favour.

There was a thread yesterday about an OP whose step daughter would only come over with her DH.
Whereas the OPs DH didn’t like him and didn’t want him in his house.

The majority of posters were basically saying to ignore her DHs boundaries because it’s the OPs house too and she can see who she wants.

This is a similar situation where you have your boundaries (and although I personally would want his support), lots of posters will say your boundaries are not his boundaries and just because you’ve chosen to not see them it doesn’t mean he should too.

It's not really the same as the other thread though.

This is about the OP's protection and emotional and mental safety and well being.

Her husband doesn't have to have the same boundaries as her and she can make a decision on the future of her relationship based upon it too. I would have done.

now I am asking myself...how I can remain with someone who doesn't have my back

I'm not sure you can tbh OP, I realise that sounds like a fairly nuclear reaction to this incident in isolation but it's not really in isolation is it? Him not liking your recent independence is key here I think, he's trying to put you back in your box by showing you that your boundaries don't matter and that you will be 'punished' for not toeing the line, and once that kind of rot sets in it's the beginning of the end. You're right, he doesn't have your back so you have to have your own and protect yourself.

It sounds like no contact with your parents has been good for your emotional well-being and you have gained confidence and independence. I don’t think your DH likes this and so by being in contact with your parents it will put you back in your box. You will start to second guess yourself and be less independent.

He's doing jobs it's not disrespectful I'm guessing there older in some ways he is still doing the right thing without getting involved in anything else

It’s disrespectful not to have your partner’s back on such an important issue!!

It’s her family. She has decided to go NC. He should be supporting her, respecting her choices, not enabling them.

It’s very common.

If your gut is telling you it’s the latter then can you think of previous occasions with your parents where he’s effectively undermined you?

He is telling them silently that he agrees with them and not you. They’ll be able to say that you’re over reacting because the person closest to you, who should have your back, is still in contact with them.