Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

Also, side note but forgiveness doesn't have to mean second chances.

People can let go of their anger towards others without it having to mean allowing them back into their life.

@Pinkbonbon
Loyalty is not blind adherence to someone else's opinion or thought. Loyalty means being there for someone. He is there for the OP, but he does not have to agree with her in every situation. Loyalty does not make him her clone.
.
Her love and respect for him should include allowing him to act in act in a manner consistent with his beliefs. That is showing him the respect that she expects to be accorded to her. He does not seem to be trying to persuade her to act or feel differently about her parents , he seems to be loyally accepting her right to have those feelings and thoughts. It seems that he is being far more respectful of her than she is of him.

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

Loyalty is about doing all you can to protect the person you love. If you love somebody, you don't hang about with their bullies.

That's not respect.

If you can't see that then I suppose there's no point arguing with you any further.

He does not seem to be trying to persuade her to act or feel differently about her parents

He isn't now b/c I have made it perfectly clear that I believe ME. Over the curse of my NC period, he most definitely DID try to make me see things differently. He invalidated me on a number of occasions. Mari9999 I am sure u mean well but you are mistaken here

If you love somebody, you don't hang about with their bullies.

You most dont certainly dont hang out with their bullies IF u love someone

Why would you be a 'good person' to people that have caused your wife (and yourself) hurt?

Why is he not respecting her boundaries?

I would just about get it if it were his parents but it's not. And they're clearly manipulating him

Wrong on every level

Oh.

So they wanted care in their old age.

Shame.

Put it this way, best case scenario, he's never seen them abuse op and they are lovely to him and he feels guilty as they are old. In that situation, do you know what I would do if I were him? Still nothing.

Actually tbf, I may ask my wife if she minded me writing a letter to them explaining that i supported my wife and as such, wished no further contact. But adding on some numbers to things like meals on wheels ect... as a final act of kindness.

And then, I'd make a point of looking to help other people. Perhaps donating to a charity for helping the elderly.

There's a million people we can do good for in this world without stabbing our partner in the heart.

@Dacquoises great post and 100% on the money.

As always @Pinkbonbon nails it too.

Completely agree with you both.

Happily married 30 years, and the idea that my husband would impose his independent view of people who abused me, and carry on a separate relationship with them is a total joke.

Of course he would be entitled to have an independent view and relationship with them, but he wouldn't remain married to me.

It wouldn't occur to him to do this, because like me he prizes loyalty, respects me, loves me, and wouldn't dream of wanting to be anywhere near people who would treat the person he loves badly.

I cannot fathom an intimate relationship where this wouldn't be the case.

Kindness, respect, loyalty, ....the absolute bedrock of a successful long-term relationship.

OP, I mean this kindly.

Look hard at your husband and the man he is.

You have tolerated appalling behaviour from your parents for years.

That leads me to think that you may have well done so of your husband too.

@Dacquoises post is absolutely the reality.
We are 100% here for you.

Years ago a friend of mine was going out with a guy for 12 months and all was well.

She had a bit of a complicated but not toxic relationship with her mother.

She wasn't a horror but she was a bit critical and pass remarkable and it used to irritate my friend.

She visited with the boyfriend on a Sunday for lunch and her mother made some niggly remark that my friend swatted away firmly, and her mother said oh she is so sensitive or something and he agreed with her.

My friend looked at him and in that absolute split second got the Ick and was done.

He saw her expression and tried to back track but she avoided looking at him.

She left promptly and dropped him home, early and when he was out of the car told him through the partially open window, its over, do not contact me again.

She got home, rang her mother and put her firmly in her place and told her a few home truths.
She told her that she was an embarrassment, that decent mothers don't mock and embarrass their children and that she needed a break from her.

She didn't see her mother for months but relented approaching Christmas.

She said the last thing she needed in her life was a man that reminded her of her mother. Ick.

As it happened she was in therapy and found it hugely helpful in establishing boundaries for the first time in her life.

She had a positive relationship with her mother afterwards.

Oh my what a story. I wasn't firm with my boundaries back then. I AM NOW. I compare myself with who I was yesterday not to who someone else is today. I am making progress...result!

I am fairly certain that your husband took the opportunity to be the “Good Guy” while “Telling on you” to your parents. I think you married your parents. If he is justifying being dick by saying that he was “helping” people (when it is actually for his own gratification) it a) Makes @lovenotwar149 reluctant to complain because he hates to look bad/flakey (anything less than saintly) in front of others (but her needs and opinion of him don’t matter.) b) Gives him the opportunity to punish op by sulking/tanting/raging because she “made him look bad/let down X”. C) Gives him an opportunity to play the role of matyr/long-suffering husband of a nag/mentally unstable wife.
All of these are extremely useful when isolating OP from her support network, because she dare not say anything.
Your mum and dad both have Matyr tendencies.

The Op is angry at her husband for actively encouraging contact with the parents that have abused her - of course she’s angry.

Your reaction isn’t unusual though. It’s amazing the number of people who think zero loyalty to their spouse is a normal and acceptable thing to do in that kind of situation.

This actually is one of the reasons abusive parents and abusive partners get away with so much. Other people just ignore their behaviours as it doesn’t impact them personally and they have no loyalty.

@Mari9999 A special quote for you from Desmond Tutu:
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”

If you can't see the injustice in this situation then you need help to learn a little about having basic respect for a human being in an abusive situation.

Excellent quote!

I would suggest that for your own healing you don't open any further communications whether letters or emails. If you don't read it they can't get in your head or make you question yourself. You know they won't change and suddenly be the people you want them to be x

OP I too would feel angry, hurt, sad and confused, just like you do. Mostly hurt it has to be said.

namechange998. you don't open any further communications whether letters or emails

I dont disagree with this at all however my current thoughts are "keep your enemies closer".
My parents can be extremely nasty and their 'self-image' is highly threatened atm with the stance I have taken by cutting them off. I dont know what they'll stop at particularly in the forthcoming months/yrs as they continue to age and get more frail. And with the narrative in their head of "How dare she not visit us in our old age, I'll show her , I'm going to give her hell!" ( My dad's 'I'm going to give her her hell' is a line I have heard him say from when I was a child. It terrifies me.) Living 15 mins walk away from them doesn't help me rather it aids their humiliation. I have warned my sons to be prepared. I have an older sister who they use as their flying monkey. She and I of course are not in touch but all my dad has to do is manipulate her into delivering their abuse. She has over my NC period sent critical/mean texts to my younger son (not the older two interestingly). He , my younger son, might I proudly say handled himself so so well.

The 3 people who are my most loyal friends are my 3 sons. They are showing their true colours through this and this is the proof in the pudding. I couldn't feel more loved and cared for. It's all I need together me through this.

Oh and this forum is helping massively too. Thank you ppl for your thoughts, comments , soo helpful and I appreciate it greatly xx

Huge betrayal. I'd be devastated

Current state of affairs here atm.......

I did chat to my DH last night and said …’I would really like it if you didn’t see my parents anymore and supported me like a team with my NC stance. I find it too hurtful for you to see them while I am not.’

He replied with….’I dont think that will actually help you in the long run if we both dont see them at all. I think if that happens and they die, you will suffer a lot of guilt that neither one of us saw them in their last stages.’

I then said…’so when my mum or dad deteriorate would u for example visit them in hospital?’

He said..’yes, I probably would do.’

There was no anger in out chat , there was in fact some handholding, he spoke his truth and I mine. It was peaceful.

There is a peaceful vibe here. I like it.

Is this actually fully accepting a human being with their differences I am wondering. I don't feel angry...I am surprised at this.

You may not be angry now, but you might feel angry later. He is deciding for you that you will feel guilty in the future and he's taken it upon himself to fix it for you regardless of what you would like to do. In other words, he believes what you are doing is WRONG and you WILL regret it.

It really isn't his place to decide if you'll feel guilty or not !!! Also when you asked if he'd visit them in hospital, I bet the answer would have been different if you'd been asking if he's going to do the old age care ...

The anger will come I think

He is essentially telling you “you’re wrong, but I’ll fix it for you until you realise I’m right”

“you’re wrong, but I’ll fix it for you until you realise I’m right”

I can't disagree with this