Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

Morning OP, has your DH at least apologised?
I would feel a deep betrayal but I would probably also want to try and move past it, if I was generally happy in the marriage, but I’m not sure you are.

No he said nothing.

You are amazing, and you have got this.

Whatever is going on with your husband you see it very clearly.

As someone married 30 years, we know life is short and only getting shorter for us.

It is so precious.

Wasting it by spending time with those that don't really care for us is such a waste.

In all of this the key things are, you see your parents and your husband clearly.

You are refusing to entertain this manipulation.

You have protected your boys from it and can see the benefits of this in their healthy emotional lifes.

You continue to forge ahead with your own independence and friendships and are getting the validation of who you really are from them.

You really are to be admired.
These things are not easy as we age.

Your husband is not a project that can be fixed.

Indeed let him crack on and do him.

You have moved on and are happily doing you.

Your living arrangements sound great and you are 100% right to suit yourself.

I suspect your husbands actions are to upset and seek a reaction from you.

These types of living arrangement rarely suit men.

Stay strong.

billy1966 your msg is VERY strong, I feel taller reading it.Thank u

I think he is very scared of your new found self worth and is actively trying to sabotage it. Otherwise you wouldn't have had so many problems since you went NC with your parents.

He is scared of a confident you. He is scared that you will look at him and decide he's not good enough, and he may well be correct. You chose him when you didn't have good role models and didn't believe you deserved good things in your life. He might not be the best partner for you. Unless he lifts his game and starts being way more supportive then you may well be better off without him, because I suspect he's going to pull worse shit that this, moving forward.

You broke the cycle with your DSs, maybe it's time to finish breaking it for yourself.

Life is temporary, there is no infinite amount of time that we have. Go live your best life whatever that looks like because effort you know itll be gone and do you want to know you enjoyed your time or think I wish...

When my partner was NC with his parents (now we have contact due to grandchildren being involved) - I didn’t see or spend time with them. They contacted me multiple times and tried to get to him through me but I politely declined every time. I think you have to back up your partner in these circumstances. Your parents can hire a handyman, they knew exactly what they were doing.

You broke the cycle with your DSs, maybe it's time to finish breaking it for yourself.

Very well put! It's coming , it's coming! I am worth it...I am finally starting to REALLY believe it. Its like a MIRACLE!

Wise words

So you are NC with your parents and you seem about to put your husband of 34 years in the doghouse. What is the state of play in terms of your friendships? In other words, do you have a typical number of friendships that are a typical range of depth and duration? (I ask not because I don't believe your comments about your parents or think your NC stance towards them or your unhappiness with your husband's stance is wrong, but more because I wonder whether the result of your decision to go NC with your parents has been that you now see things as a bit more black and white than they often are.)

If he was such a people pleaser, why isn’t he putting in any effort to please you? He has actively done the opposite. Don’t minimize or justify his behaviour and it’s affect on you. He did this to undermine you. It was an act of dehumanization that I suspect had been a theme in your marriage. “Putting you in your place” by demeaning what is important to you.

Would you be open to moving to put some distance between you?

"We have had separtate bedrooms since the start of this yr, separate washing (we do our own), separate breakfast and lunch, and since last night I think separate dinners are on their way!"

It is clear from the above the OP was instigating change in her marriage BEFORE she went NC.

She has clearly been working on clarity in multiple close relationships.

This was absolutely a dick PA move on his part.

She has rewarded him with even less engagement, even less of her time.

I have had a decent chat with my husband and he can now see how it looks from my point of view. This may have given me a glimmer of hope.

But Omg...I have just received this letter from my dad....NC with him since Sept '22.

I am really very disappointed at your attitude to us, your own parents. What have we done or said I really don't know what are you sore about. Any advice or talk about something is not criticism as you think. We have loved you and done lot for you and now you are breaking up and neglect us in our old age, have you no sense of gratitude. I had high hopes that you will be very good help and good company for us in our old age being so near also. How wrong I was. You can't even do some shopping for us sometimes, but never mind it is ok if you want to live like that. Good luck to you. Dad

OMG, this is hitting hard. Any comments??

I have not responded and I am praying to god that I can be strong enough not to

He has contempt for you.
Time to go.

It's awful but at least you know now. You've been so strong and brave cutting off toxic parents. Good on you for having your own back. But another villain had appeared. So it's time to put on your armour again and cut them loose too.

Thank you so much. The self doubt has started creeping in.I needed another to see and tell me what I was CERTAIN in my heart was a huge guilt trip on his part.Thank u again

Having huge anxiety within atm, Im sitting with it

Dads letter is pretty telling - all about how you aren't allowed to say no to criticism and you're supposed to be company for them in their old age (as if that's what children are for).

Standard narcissistic crap.
You don't owe arseholes anything

I'd be tempted to move away op. Start fresh. Show them you're truly done with them.

Thank the Lord that u have responded with your wisdom, thank the Lord and thank YOU

Now imagine telling your sons that their only purpose in life is to buy your shopping and be grateful for even being born!

Would you say that to them? Most likely not in the slightest, so you must see how warped your father's mind is writing that letter.

I am really very disappointed at your attitude to us, your own parents.
He's straight in there stating that you are the problem. (You are not).

What have we done or said I really don't know what are you sore about.
These people never know what they have done. My "mother" told me if I'd been a proper mother she would have a better relationship with my children (who she never helped me with but was happy to criticise). She left me a voicemail saying "I don't know what it is that has you that you want an apology but I'm very sorry". Talk about sorry, not sorry!

Any advice or talk about something is not criticism as you think.
They are just kind people trying to help you out. As if. They do not see you as an independent adult and are trying to turn you into the person they think you should be.

We have loved you and done lot for you and now you are breaking up and neglect us in our old age, have you no sense of gratitude.
So typical of a narc. You owe them. It would never cross their mind that children do not owe their parents, they do not ask to be brought into this world, and when they are, they should be brought up in a loving and caring environment, not one where the parent is counting the days when the child can "pay them back".

I had high hopes that you will be very good help and good company for us in our old age being so near also.
Playing the poor me card and trying to guilt trip you. Pity he wasn't kinder to you throughout your childhood and you'd be happy to spend time with them.

How wrong I was.
He doesn't think he was wrong. Narcs make these statements waiting to be told no they're not wrong and it's you and you're very sorry. Don't bite.

You can't even do some shopping for us sometimes, but never mind it is ok if you want to live like that.
More guilt tripping. One of the letters I got (they always ignored anything I said) was "at least I know where I stand now", another was "I can't take any more, leave me alone, I've had it". But actually she didn't mean it, this was supposed to spur me into action. But it spurred me into inaction! She is still playing the victim and not telling anyone what she said to me but happy for them to think I'm the bad guy.

Good luck to you. Dad
I got "best wishes, as you say". Horrible people.

If you weren't related to them would you have anything further to do with them?
Why should you have anything to do with them just because you're related?

I have been listening to the Insight Exposing Narcisissm podcasts which have been so enlightening and validating. They're all different stories but I have found something I identify with in every single one. I think this one might be an interesting one for you to start with if you would like to give it a go:

By adulthood your DH should have developed sufficient emotional intelligence to realise that just because his parental relationship is fully functioning, yours isn't and therefore your boundaries are his boundaries.

How dare he violate your limits and undo the hard work you've done to step away from them. He's now set expectations and a new precedent such that he will increasingly be asked to do tasks and they'll put their foot in your door. Thats their intention, otherwise they wouldn't have asked him especially as they have plenty of cash to fund their own repairs.

Ah yes the guilt tripping "after all we've done for you..." letter. Sigh. Don't doubt your instincts @lovenotwar149

Thank you re "In Sight". ......I will take a look.

Your comment 'dont bite'. is such sound advice.I am sitting with the discomfort , I am not going to bite back, Repeat repeat repeat!

daisychain01
By adulthood your DH should have developed sufficient emotional intelligence to realise that just because his parental relationship is fully functioning, yours isn't and therefore your boundaries are his boundaries.

Agreed.