Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

If they were in dire need of urgent repairs and couldn't afford outside help, I could understand him helping on the basis that he won't be chit chatting about you.

But as they can afford it and the odd jobs are non essential then they are either using him or believe they can continue a relationship with him possibly go milk information from him about you.

I think he should have said to them that the work is non essential and I am supporting my wife.

Is this the only reason...not some new found freedom and you like the fact that you want to answer to no one?
Would you prefer being single and are using this as an excuse as it does seem a bit drastic to leave your DH.
I'd have thought that's the last thing you'd do, effectively letting your parents think that because your DH done them a favour you ended your marriage, can imagine they'd be thinking it was you that has been in the wrong all those years instead of their narcissistic ways.

I ask as someone that is NC with a sibling and have been for nigh on 20 years, DH knows I'd wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire but a time came when DH was at an event that meant they had to have a conversation but it in no way bothered me, wouldn't give them the satisfaction of it bothering me and I know my DH enough to know that he was just being polite.

Have you spoken to your DH about it since he returned, letting him know how upset you were and asking him why he felt that he couldn't refuse their ask, and dont except "I don't know" from him as the answer, you genuinely want to know why.

I'd be upset if my DH stood and listened to them slating/talking untruths about me and would expect him to correct them and walk away in support of me though.

I wouldn't be happy at all with that . It's a betrayal.

Thank u so much for your replies. A lot for me to think about for sure

Unfortunately my hubby NEEDS a lot of external validation and I have noticed a pattern of behaviour of his is to not be able today no if someone asks him to help with a job. He then receives a lot of admiration for the task and he loves/needs that

Even if someone who is repeatedly mean to me asks for a favour, it seems he will run to their aid too

Crumpleton

No it isn't that. I want tone SEEN and HEARD as a human being. I want my closest relationships to be based on trust/loyalty/mutual respect . In day today matters this plays out as sticking up for me to others humans who dish out chronic criticisms about ....my grey hair, the fact my son (our son) is currently unemployed and not a doctor, the fact that I work part times and not more (I/we are financially independent , so I dont know why they care)...there are countless more examples of ways they criticise me, countless and its chronic

hattie

that's how I see it too

Ugh. That's a really unattractive quality!

And suggests he really isn't able to prioritise you at all.

And your parents presumably know this? In which case, they've completely manipulated him and he's allowed them to do that.

That's even more unattractive!

I'm 55, I've been no contact with my father since I was 21. He could be dead for all I know, I don't care. When I first got together with my husband 15 years ago, he made tentative noises about how maybe I should be in contact with my father...I very quickly shut that shit down and told him that his say in any matters to do with my parents was exactly as they it was before we'd even met - none. He had the sense not to push it, and as the years have gone on and he's learnt more about my childhood (I'm currently being treated for C-PTSD) he not only fully supports me but when the subject comes up he says how sorry he is I had such shit parents.

Frankly in your shoes I'd feel very betrayed and disrespected.

I guess that's his weakness. He does have admirable qualities too. I wouldn't have stayed with him for 34yrs if he hadn't. He isn't in touch with his emotions and over the yrs has in my opinion copied my lead. I am hoping he will see the error of his ways and copy my lead again here.

very quickly shut that shit down

Well done you! I have only recently gone NC so I am not that far ahead . When he returned this eve I did say this....

I do not want to know anything about what happened at my parents house. We ate dinner separately and I am heading out for a drink in a bit with a girlfriend. So in effect, tonight I DID shut that shit down!

I do feel very betrayed and disrespected. However I know this behaviour is ABOUT HIM. How he can visit visit that slag off our children is beyond me

visit people I meant

when I say slag off I mean they repeatedly say what each of my sons is doing is 'not good enough'. Thats the constant msg. Absolute projection.I believed for yrs I wasn't good enough. I had a breakdown at 23, tried to kill myself at 25 and did binge eating for 2 and a half decades

thank u all once again

Agree entirely with this.

He doesn't have his priorities right.

This is a similar situation where you have your boundaries (and although I personally would want his support), lots of posters will say your boundaries are not his boundaries and just because you’ve chosen to not see them it doesn’t mean he should too.

I completely disagree with this. A husband and wife should be mutually supportive and protective of each other. If you truly love your spouse, then I think you would do whatever necessary to protect them from the harm of other people.

This is not like a scenario where OP just doesn't like someone and chooses to avoid them, but her DH can tolerate them and chooses not to avoid them (and therefore the different boundary thing would be ok). These are people who have been abusive to his wife. I would argue that if it was his own parents that had been abusive to his wife, that even then he should put his parents firmly in their place and reduce contact if they wouldn'tstop mistreating her. It is significantly worse that the abusers are her side of the family - and he won't go NC. Him going over there is aiding their abuse IMO and makes him no better than they are.

My exH was abusive. When we split, I think I would have ended up hating my parents if they decided to continue to have any kind of contact/relationship with the person who had hurt me so deeply. I think to do that would show significant lack of love for me. Likewise I have dislike towards anyone who hurt my own children.

Something is very wrong IMO to want to aide/spend time with people who have hurt your loved ones. Especially when the 'loved one' has been clear that this action hurts them further.

I couldn't be in a marriage where my husband doesn't have my back, or dissmisses me so easily.

OP, you are a great woman.

You wisely finally cut awful parents out of your life and have felt empowered by it.

Your husband does not have your back.

I wonder would you have done it sooner if you had been more supported?

Your new greater sense of self is not welcome to him.

He would prefer you stressed and distressed.

I would look long and hard at him because IMO this is 100% a massive betrayal and I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Like you I certainly wouldn't be eating with him.

Don't rush in to fixing this.

Think long and hard about your relationship and what you want from it in the future.

Loyalty is hugely important and he sounds like a very weak insecure man.

Do not be dragged back into contact by a husband that clearly hasn't your back.

Stay strong and resolute in your decision and enjoy this new confidence it has given you.

Thank you billy1966

I can't disagree with what you have written.I am getting stronger by the day , by the day and am implementing my boundaries more and more with one of my great lines ..."this doesn't work for me. " Another one is "well you do you and I'm going to do me." I attribute no blame for the unhealed emotional wounds he has but the way they manifest in his behaviours is "not working for me!"
We have had separtate bedrooms since the start of this yr, separate washing (we do our own), separate breakfast and lunch, and since last night I think separate dinners are on their way!
Occasionally he does something that gives me a glimmer of hope and then he's back to his passive aggressive behaviour in no time, or rather he's back to his passive aggressiveness when he is wounded... by who knows what! Its abuse , I know it. Its so understandable that I am in this situation from the literature I have read due to my own healing. The chronic violence between my parents that me and my 2 sisters witnessed has in fact impacted all 3 of us. And due to the triangulation methods my mum imployed , and still does, the 3 of us do not have a healthy relationship with each other. Its v sad. I am so blessed that my relationship with my 3 adult sons is thriving, as are they. Thats the proof in the pudding for me. A cycle of emotional abuse has been broken. I will keep walking this path!!

If I'm feeling generous I'd say that your dh might also be on the receiving end of emotional abuse as you've been together for that long, it's likely some of the toxic behaviour has rubbed off on him.

That said, there's no way on Earth my dh would help out anyone who's treated me badly. Is your dh a people pleaser? Are your parents manipulating his nature to get to you.

I am with you on this op, if he had a shred of care for you, he'd have told your dp to fuck off .

Yes he's a people pleaser very much so. Easily manipulated. I can't respect that in him

When we met we both had very low self worth.I have taken the path of introspection and self healing so now he is being exposed. I am not , as I previously did, taking care of that. It is being seen. He can't handle that. I can see how hard it is for him too.