Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

It’s incredibly disrespectful because he’s essentially saying you’re wrong about your experience of your parents.

At best he’s treating you like a child. At worst he’s treating you like an incompetent idiot.

It is very common. Almost every partner I had before my DH came out with “but you only get one father” or “but he might have changed” and endless amounts of people came out with “what if you regret it?” when the man who neglected and abused my siblings and I was dying and I declined to see him.

It will likely eat away at you - either he’ll make you doubt your decision or you’ll get angry at him thinking he knows you better than you do.

It really depends on how you want to deal with it in yourself and can continue to except that that is how your DH feels.
You'll always get different opinions on here.

Do you feel as a PP is saying and your DH is stating “you’re wrong, but I’ll fix it for you until you realise I’m right” the kind of thing he'd normally say, is he generally controlling in what you do?

I've said before I'm NC with family and didn't even go to my parents funeral, my DP did and it didn't bother me in the least, I saw it as
his choice and would never have stopped him, equally he didn't try to make me go and respected my choice to.

IMO yes, as long as your DH doesn't mentally, physically or financially abuse you it is possible for people to agree to disagree, except each others choices and get along fine.
But you have to want to, it shouldn't be hard work or with snide comments along the way.

Crumpleton

Thank you. I will ponder on this

It will likely eat away at you - either he’ll make you doubt your decision or you’ll get angry at him thinking he knows you better than you do.

Very wise words here, will also ponder on this

I've said before I'm NC with family and didn't even go to my parents funeral, my DP did and it didn't bother me in the least, I saw it as
his choice and would never have stopped him, equally he didn't try to make me go and respected my choice to.

I would really like to get to this place

Yes. This is a message that is absolutely typical of parents like this. There’s a whole website devoted to the things toxic parents say to their estranged children. They all look exactly like this. They will never accept that they had any part in you going NC, it will always be your fault!

I know it’s hard, but do not look for truth or meaning in messages like this. You know the truth. Don’t respond, ever. Dispose of the letter, get it out of your home. Burn it, cut it up and bury it, just make sure it’s gone from your life. A cremation or burial of the words can be very cathartic! Remember that they are his words and feelings, they are not statements of truth, and they are not your concern.

Your husband has betrayed you. In your shoes I’d hate to think of them chatting and laughing together when I was NC for good reasons. It would feel like he thinks they’re really not that bad.

It’s good to see that he and you have talked about this and you’ve found some peace, but I believe he’s profoundly wrong when he says it won’t do you any good if he and you don’t see them. He says you’ll feel guilty when they die. This is often said but is wrong. Many of us on here went nc or LC with parents and it did do us good, a lot of good, it removed their ability to hurt us and affect our lives and set us free, and allowed us to lead more normal lives.

Being in contact with them isn’t going to make you feel better or worse when they die. Imagine if you start seeing them again, they start on as usual, criticism, carping, complaining. They succeed in making you feel miserable again. Shortly afterwards one of them dies. How will you feel any better than if you were still NC? If still NC what exactly should you feel guilty about? Not letting them abuse you? Maybe that is how you’d feel, that you should have endured their treatment of you despite it not helping them or you in any way. But trust me, it’s likely that you’ll grieve (because they’re your parents), not miss them, get through the grief and be fine. The idea that you should allow yourself to be badly treated in case you feel bad when someone dies, is faulty thinking.

The thing is though, thats not his decision to make. You're a grown adult. And your no means no. It's not up for him to decide for you.

Also, his behaviour NOW is hurting you. And he doesn't care about THAT hurt.

I'm also not sure he isn't just saying this now as an excuse as you said yourself you felt he was seeing them to spite you. And I'm inclined to say- trust your gut.

I'd say it's probably a form of gaslighting. Trying to make you feel you were wrong for judging his bad behaviour even though its hurtful. Trying to make you think that actually it's about your best interests so you shouldn't be mad.

I'd be giving it 'irregardless of how I might feel, thats not your decision to make. If you respect me, you'll respect my judgement on the situation. These people bullied and abused me. And I DO feel that I want nothing more to do with them. And believe me, I've given it a great deal of thought. So my request stands - please support me in my decision to cut toxic people from my life. Don't hang around with people who bullied your wife. It's not ok. And it's hurtful to me NOW. Actual hurt. Not possible,might be maybe (unlikely) hurt'.

The thing is though, thats not his decision to make. You're a grown adult. And your no means no. It's not up for him to decide for you.

This is on the money, thank u

Oh and maybe something like ' you're right, there might be some guilt. But then I'll remember that it's not my guilt to bare. They are the ones who drove me away with their cruelty. They robbed me of a loving parent child relationship. The blame rests with the abuser, not the abused. So whilst I'll mourn the relationship I should have had with them, I won't mourn them. And any guilt I feel, I'll shurg off quickly. Because I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having protected myself. I should feel proud'.

He says you’ll feel guilty when they die. This is often said but is wrong

I wholeheartedly agree (except it was GM in my case. Not calling her DGM because she wasn't). Your husband has no right to tell you what your feelings are or will be. They are your feelings and you have a right to them (or not to feel them at all).

OP you can do.

Does your DH talk about things to you daily that concern your parents?

Does he mention it everytime when they have contacted him?
If so ask him at least to stop as you really aren't interested...or I'm assuming you're not.

Do you talk to your DH about them without him starting a conversation?
If so again stop.

You see my DP and I never really had or have, one parent is still alive, a conversation about my parents, if he asked me something from years gone by concerning them of course I'd answer but we don't fill our time with it, it certainly isn't on my mind morning, noon and night....and my DP either.
They don't pay rent to live in your mind. Don't give then headspace.

You must have other things you discuss, places you visit together that can fill you time with conversation.

Not only is he an insecure, weak, other people pleasing, disloyal arse.

He also thinks he knows better than you and can predict your future feelings.

Arrogant arse.

Ick.

You must have other things you discuss, places you visit together that can fill you time with conversation.

I had taken this stance some time ago and they (my parents) were not occupying my mind very much. I have lapsed. Time to regain control, Thanks

Not only is he an insecure, weak, other people pleasing, disloyal arse.

He also thinks he knows better than you and can predict your future feelings.

Arrogant arse.

Ick

What does Ick mean?

Also, whilst u may have a good point, please can u not talk about my hubby and father of my children like that.

If you ask for peoples opinions they are going to give them…

They’re not saying anything that hasn’t been said multiple times already on the thread.

Yes I know, but it can be given kindly

Given what he’s done that is pretty kind… People could be much harsher.

Fair enough

OP this is MN have you looked through other threads/posts on here with problems regarding men?
By now you should have kicked him out or, to put it politely, left him.

It seems that your dh doesn't offer you the same loyalty as you do him.

The OP's husband is neither denying or invalidating her experience. He may simply be saying that his experience with her parents has not been one that has led him to see her parents in the manner in which she describes them.

He loves the OP and he is not trying to diminish or invalidate her pain. The pain is without a doubt real.

However, he has in large measure to base his view of her parents ,or anyone else for that matter on his interactions and experiences with these people.

He can hurt because you are hurting. He should not hate simply because you are hating. You should not expect him to appropriate your hatred simply because he is married to you. That is not loyalty , and love does not demand that you must surrender your own feelings and instead feel what I feel.

There's that word again. 'Hatred'. Op wants to remove abusive people from her life. It has nothing to do with hatred. Plenty of people remove abusive parents from their life - because they're exhausted. And they know its all they can do to survive.

And yes, he may have had nothing but positive experiences with her parents. But that's completely irrelevant. His wife had told him they abused her. He either believes her or he doesn't.
And if he does, then he doesn't go visiting them.

And would you say the same if a friend of his had physically assaulted her?

Or a relative of his raped her?

Would it be acceptable then for him to “base his view of her parents ,or anyone else for that matter on his interactions and experiences with these people”? Would you still say then she shouldn’t expect his loyalty?

Her parents have abused her. Repeatedly. The least she should expect from her partner in life is that he doesn’t actively choose to spend time with people who abuse her. Even if they’re nice to him.

And would you say the same if a friend of his had physically assaulted her?

Or a relative of his raped her?

I actually put this to my DH. He said that would be different. Whilst he does see and has has experience of their 'constant criticism' etc 'In his mind' he thinks they aren't any worse than a number of parents and he also thinks they have 'provided' for him (us) and we should be grateful for that.
I had a very interesting experience with my eldest son a couple of wks ago. I , since going NC with my parents, have been having a lot of flashbacks. A therapist told me its CPTSD. I went to visit my son and our relationship has been going from strength to strength now that I have seen how some of my learnt behaviours have been so destructive. I gave my son my word that I wouldn't criticise him in the way I used to again. I said this after 'listening' to some of the pain he experienced by some of my past behaviours. It was a most moving conversation. I heard and saw him in a way I hadn't done before. The love and trust was apparent on both sides and I cried and cried and cried when I got home to my hotel when I was alone. Tears of joy that we have reached this point. When I said to my son 'I am so sorry and I give you my word I won't criticise you in that way ever again' he said...
'I dont mind criticising.'
His answer was very telling to me. I replied with 'I do.'
I will honour my word and I trust myself wholeheartedly to do this.
In time I am certain my son will NOT accept this type of criticism , it won't come from me now, but I am certain he won't put up with it from ANYONE else either. Unfortunately my eldest son who is 30 now, spent the most time with my parents (at a time when I was very much under their control) and emotional damage did occur. It has stopped now and the progress and further progress is happening! Thank you God. Thank you people for further replies.

I also think the reason he has to disbelieve/invalidate isn't because he is an arse or because he wants to hurt me, it's because if he validates this abuse what does that say about him as a hubby? How did he protect me or his sons from them over 34 yrs? That might just be too painful a place to go to for him. This doesn't excuse his invalidation nor the behaviours that match it AT ALL , but it does allow for compassion from me towards him