Is this just a conflict of interest wit my husband or is it more??

[lovenotwar149]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear..I am feeling angry, hurt, sad and confused.
I am NC with my parents. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since last Sept. Not spoken with my mum since April this yr. I have posted on here before about my reasons...emotional abuse by both of them due to their narcissistic (particularly my mum) personalities. My NC stance was coming as boundaries have been in place for a decade now and I have finally had the courage and self love through therapy etc to say NO MORE now, I'm out. It has been , and still is, very upsetting and my husband is fully aware of this. He has found it difficult , even though he knows FULLY how abusive they can be. We have been married for 34 yrs, and he too has personal experience of their abuse. Today, because my parents (its manipulation no doubt) have asked him to go to their house to do some jobs for them, they live close unfortunately (although it makes complete sense as I had yrs of living a very toxic and unhealthy relationship with my narcissistic mother, and she wouldn't have allowed me emotionally to live further away from her) . And he has gone to do them. I am so hurt. What do ppl think please?? To me it's highly inappropriate of my parents to ask my husband to do jobs for them under the current estrangement situation and highly inappropriate of my husband to say yes. Any thoughts will be very appreciated. Thank you.

The thing is, you should never have to explain to anyone why obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful.

Lying, cheating, stealing...hanging out with your evil, estranged parents. I mean, duh. All of those things are NOT OK. Obviously.

Often in any kind of toxic relationship we find ourselves explaining why we feel the way we feel, trying to make the toxic person understand. But they actually, do understand. They just don't want us to know that. They want us to tie ourselves in knots asking ourselves if we have misinterpreted their intentions. Or if we are 'overreacting' to have (perfectly acceptable) feelings about something.

Now you've come from a background of abuse so it is absolutely possible that that makes you a bit paranoid about other peoples intentions. BUT logically, why would anyone who.loved you act as he has?

The way I see it either
A. He wants to stay in touch with your family. Perhaps because they have money. So he doesn't care about your feelings on the subject.
Or
B. He did it to spite you.
Or
C. He's a tremendous coward who cannot be of support to you any further on your journey away from abuse. And infact, puts you back at risk.

That's not someone who has your back.
And you shouldn't waste your breath explaining why his obviously shirty behaviour is shitty. You don't need to do that!

(Also if you feel its b, then I'd say trust your gut too. We have instincts for a reason).

I personally think your DH has just the same right to autonomy to choose his path with regards to your parents as you do. He may know very well your feelings but that doesn't mean he mirrors them, he's an individual in his own right.

He did something you found upsetting. Your reaction is completely up to you. We can't (and shouldn't seek to) control, we can only react.

You are effectively leaving by stealth anyway as she grow into middle/old age - it's extremely common for women to become much more at home with themselves at this time in their life and realise that time is short and we don't need to put up with what doesn't serve us, so why not just leave him?

But you can't stay with someone angrily and score their behaviour as if they are a subordinate.

If someone upsets you, you either accept they have different thought processes to you that might sometimes cause friction and negotiate for better if you're suitably invested, or you end the relationship.

If someone upsets you, you either accept they have different thought processes to you that might sometimes cause friction and negotiate for better if you're suitably invested, or you end the relationship.

I like this part. Thank u

Your Dh MUST be on your side or there’s no point in being with him. Don’t lower yourself to responding to your father’s letter, he is not worthy of the respect that would show.

OP, that letter is self explanatory.

You were supposed to be of use to your awful parents.

OP, you shouldn't have to be pointing this shit out to a husband of 34 years.

Your instincts to step away from him are correct.

I know you are married a long time, but mind yourself.

As for your parents?

Complete silence.

Stay strong. You can do this.

“He can see how this LOOKS from your point of view?”
That is absolutely not the same thing as “I’m so sorry, I know I was out of line. I was angry and resentful and this was a mailicious act intended to punish you. I won’t do it again.” I wonder what DH has said to your parents about this situation when he was there… I bet they heard about the state of your marriage from his POV and your commitment to establishing clear boundaries with everyone is blamed as some kind of breakdown or midlife crisis. (Minimising, insulting and not taking responsibility for his own part in this.)
Your Dad’s letter was shit, but of course it would be. People who know that they are loved don’t go NC. They know that they are loved because their feelings are validated and respected. “Good Luck” implies that there will be consequences when you inevitably come crawling back because you can’t do without them. Just remind yourself that they were just words on paper that proved your decision to go NC was the right choice for you.

That is absolutely not the same thing as “I’m so sorry, I know I was out of line. I was angry and resentful and this was a mailicious act intended to punish you. I won’t do it again.”

Its absolutely not the same, absolutely

Stay strong. You can do this.

billy1966
I believe I can too...thank you!

Cherrysoup · Yesterday 22:35
Your Dh MUST be on your side or there’s no point in being with him. Don’t lower yourself to responding to your father’s letter, he is not worthy of the respect that would show.

Agree agree agree

Isn't it quite a coincidence that your father sends you a letter a few days after your dh spends time with them. I'm sure your parents thought that they'd get to you by involving your dh, but you were strong and haven't reacted as they thought you would, so they've brought out the big guns and written to you as this is the only thing they can now do.

Just remember the letter is a result of you not engaging when your dh did, they don't care about you, they are pulling on your heart strings. Imagine the most manipulative thing you could say to someone and you'll see the letter and it's contents aren't about the subject matter, it's designed to have the maximum impact.

I suggest you grab yourself a glass of wine and a lighter, have a drink and burn the fucking letter to the ground! Wash your hands and carry on

Nail. On. The. Head.

Don't rise to it, OP. See it for what it is. Pulling out the Big Guns is exactly it.

'Fuck off' springs to mind.

Along with asking whether your husband's new wings itch at all, as it must feel strange to have become a flying simian at his age.

Yeah, move before the medical emergencies start. They're lining you up to be their carers

Yeah, move before the medical emergencies start. They're lining you up to be their carers

I have had these concerns too

We have loved you and done lot for you

have you no sense of gratitude

These lines are unbelievable to me. Last Sept before I went NC with my dad, cross words were dished out by him to me and in the midst I said "do you love me? do you even like me?" (Interestingly the argument , which was on the phone, was a telling off from him to me stating I dont do enough for my mum. He said I should be ringing her once a wk. I explained why I was finding it hard to ring her once a wk because she inevitably on each call resorts to insults about my life. e.g. why have you gone grey? Isn't your son working yet? No girlfriend? etc etc . He told me to ignore her. I said I find that very hard. I then (foolishly but the guilt tripping was taking effect) agreed to calling her once a wk. He then in his rant changed it to 'why can't you call her every other day?' I was then onto him in my head. And to my question ...do you even like me, do you love me? He said in a shouting voice 'I love you but not at any cost.' Ouch, I cried and cried after the call but I got the truth. We did speak on the phone I more time soon after and he said 'I never said that' and then hung up. We haven't spoken since.

I have been thinking about all the things I have done for them and about their lack of gratitude.

From when I was a small child of 6 when my younger sis was born...

Feeding and changing and looking after her when my parents weren'!
Listening to my mum when she told me my dad had raped her, that she wanted toil herself and countless other slurs about my dad. This is what I now know is emotional incest. And this was chronic
Listenng to my dad unload about my mum too, not nearly as frequently, but on a number of occasions too.

Oh dear I have realised I need to stop.
Thank you for being there ppl

@lovenotwar149

Your husband can love you without appropriating your feelings about your parents. You have been out of they household for at least 34 years, and you have not been a child for even longer. Maybe , his willingness to feel and nurture anger has a shorter shelf life than does your ability to do the same.

You have an absolute right to hold on to your anger. You do not have a right to expect him to do the same.

It is more than a bit manipulative to try to equate his love for you and his regard for your relationship to his willingness to appropriate your anger towards your parents.

Life is far too short to carry anger and animosity any longer than is absolutely necessary. Maybe your husband just sees 2 aging people in need of assistance that he is capable of and willing to provide.

Let him do what he chooses to do, and maybe you can seek assistance to help let go of or at least diminish some of the anger. You do not hat to interact with your parents, but the anger does not have to be a driving force in your life.

Isn't it quite a coincidence that your father sends you a letter a few days after your dh spends time with them. I'm sure your parents thought that they'd get to you by involving your dh, but you were strong and haven't reacted as they thought you would, so they've brought out the big guns and written to you as this is the only thing they can now do.

Just remember the letter is a result of you not engaging when your dh did, they don't care about you, they are pulling on your heart strings. Imagine the most manipulative thing you could say to someone and you'll see the letter and it's contents aren't about the subject matter, it's designed to have the maximum impact.

I suggest you grab yourself a glass of wine and a lighter, have a drink and burn the fucking letter to the ground! Wash your hands and carry on

THANK YOU!!!!!

You have an absolute right to hold on to your anger. You do not have a right to expect him to do the same.

But I do expect him to have my back. Helping 'my abusers' is doing the opposite imo

You keep saying op has 'anger'.

Would you say a woman who leaves an abusive man is just angry at him? Probably not right?
So why are you saying that about her approach to her abusive parents?

Wanting to cut toxic people out of your life is about protecting yourself from further harm.
Not to say you can't also be angry. But it's irrelevant really. If you want people out of your life for good reason then by all means cut them off.

Yes - life is short. Far too short to waste on horrible people who treat you like shit!

And if your 'partner' wants to continue to associate with people who he knows ABUSE you...it's absolutely ridiclious to call op manipulative for having a problem with that. Gaslighting at its finest!

Op has every right to be mad at him. Either he's a fool or an arsehole.

I suggest you grab yourself a glass of wine and a lighter, have a drink and burn the fucking letter to the ground! Wash your hands and carry on

Excellent advice. Also, might you find it useful to speak to a professionally qualified counsellor who is experienced in how the mind of a narcissist works? That might help strengthen you when you are being openly or subtly bring attacked by your parents or dealing with your husband's actions as far as not properly supporting you. 🌹

Well, said.

Your parents are trying to turn your husband into a flying monkey.

He’s actually assisting them now in getting at you.

Id ve speaking to a good therapist if I were you because it’s very common for those abused by their parents to end up in abusive relationships. The fact he hasn’t got your back on this one would make me bet if you look closely enough there will be aspects of his behaviour that have been controlling or abusive over the years

Your post reminds me so much of my family and my ex husband.

I was the family scapegoat and when I got married my family seemed to adopt my husband into their fold even though I wasn't fully accepted. My mother started calling him her favourite son-in-law and he became part of the boy's club with my stepfather and brother (who basically had ignored me most of my life). He was always being invited out to drinks on a Friday night and at my stepfather's club etc. Although it quickly became clear that my husband put me bottom of his priorities after we married, my family were adamant that he could do no wrong.

Like your husband, he would never have my back and wouldn't think twice about going for drinks after some pretty appalling behaviour towards me. Sat silent when my Sil was verbally abusing me etc.

When I went NC with my mother I realised how much he was part of their control. I felt I couldn't deal with the issues with my marriage because of what they thought and also the same with issues with my family because he was no involved. Getting rid of my mother gave me the eureka moment to deal with my husband. I got out of my marriage. My brother sided with him, no surprise.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm not surprised you are finding this with your husband. Divide and conquer is the motto of dysfunctional families. It was only in therapy that the penny dropped how emotionally/financially abusive and controlling my ex husband is. I also discovered stuff that had been going on behind my back, such as the secret arrangement my mother and he had with dropping my daughter off on a Sunday so he could play (even more) golf whilst getting kudos for being the good dad.

Now I wouldn't tolerate someone who didn't have my back. The boundary is you and your family first, everyone else second.

The OP has every right to feel about het parents as she so chooses. Her feelings are based upon her interactions

With them

Her husband too had every right to feel about them as he so chooses. His feelings too are probably based upon his interactions with them. His feelings may be different from those of the OP. She cannot insists that he share her feelings if he has experienced her parents in a different way. Seemingly, he did not ask or in anyway try to insist that he accompany him to her parents home.

As to anger, the OP is angry with her husband for simply having a different response and reaction to her parents. What is he likelihood that she is not angry with her parents for their respones and reactions over the course of her life? If you nurture and cultivate anger for a life time , you do not end up with a healing tree ; you end up with anger and venom that seeps into every aspect of your life and taints all of your relationships.

Do you not have any sense of loyalty?

Even if her parents had been perfectly lovely to him- they treat her like shit. And he is her husband. His loyalty is supposed to be to his wife. Not her parents.

I don't care how much I like someone. If they bully my partner they are dead to me. Especially if my partner has finally found the strength to feel the same and cut these awful people out of her life. I'd be so proud of her and do everything I could to support her.

Come on now pp, you can't be serious that you don't think he has done anything wrong? He's betrayed her utterly!

'Oh he has the right to be friends with whoever he likes. Even people who abuse me. I should just be OK with that because its his life and he isn't me' sounds like the sort of shit someone might say after being in a abusive relationship for years, making all manner of excuses for their boundaries being trapped all over by someone who doesn't give a fuck about them.

As for anger- you know what helps get rid of it? Removing the people from your life who bring it out in you. I suspect, up until her husbands shitty betrayal, she was happier than she had been in years having gone low contact with the nasty parents. Now, thanks to him, they're even trying to reel her back in again.