Ghosted in the worst possible way

[brokenbitbybit]

I've name changed as I've posted quite a lot over the years.

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with being ghosted basically. This has been done to me in the worst possible way.

Together 5 years with 3 children. He is from a different country im from uk. He told me he was going on holiday to visit family due to stress and having no family or friends in this country.

He left without telling me, blocked me on every social media I presume has a new phone number and deleted his email address. I feel absolutely ill

How do I come to terms with this
I'm heart broken

Good luck with everything OP. I hope @Wallywobblescan help. I like the idea of a welfare check. Tbh there is an outside chance he has had some kind of major breakdown, it wouldn’t excuse his behaviour of course or elicit any sympathy if he has as clearly so much of this was pre-calculated. His family's behaviour in blocking you is outrageous in either case! I think you would be justified in using those resources to locate him. Stupid man.

Follow @Angelil's advice. As she's said, when you move to Belgium you're supposed to register with your new gemeente (council) within 8 days, and you then get a visit from the police/an official to check you actually live there. So the police should have an easy job finding him. Belgium LOVES bureaucracy so it might take time and effort, but you're likely to get what you're entitled to.
Sorry @Starlin's offer, didn't work out, I have a contact living nearby but they don't have much of a network in Sint-Niklaas. Let me know if you need anything translated. I wish him ne welgemeende kus mijn kloten.

@Agapornis sadly, he could say he's just visiting/on holiday with family so he won't have to register at the gemeente (city hall). The police will able to find the family but depends ultimately if he's there or not.

Oh sure, I presumed he's as scared of the authorities as he is of his mama, and would therefore actually register!

Thank you @Agapornis
🤣 he used to say 'kiss my balls' a lot

@Angelil that is really interesting. Thanks for the detailed response. The UK government should be ashamed. Hope this is a successful case.

You need to find his mum not him. You want the police to do a welfare check at his mums house and for them to have your story to counteract whatever information or lies he or his mum are telling.

@Wallywobbles I know his mothers name, but she's also blocked me. I have the sisters registration for her car. Maybe they could trace the address through that

This is the email address of the police station in Sint Niklaas. Put in the subject line something that will catch their attention.

[email protected]

Write your email in the clearest, most unemotional way you can. State exactly what has happened and give dates, times, names and addresses.

Give them all the information you have, including children's birth certificates and your ID, so that you can prove who you are and that you have a reason to be concerned.

Give all and any information you might have about where he could be i.e. his mother's name and the town she lives in. State she moved recently and if you have it, give her old address.

If you have a phone number for any of them give those as well. Even if they no longer work. Give any family contact details you can. Email, phone, address. That you are blocked doesn't mean they won't answer when the police call.

State the last time you had contact. Explain that you would ask them to do a welfare check to verify that he is alive and ask them to verify that he has abandoned his family. Ask them for his address so that you can claim for child maintenance payments as you have discovered that he has resigned from his job in the UK. Explain that he has left you destitute with 3 children under 5.

Write all this in English. Write it clearly using absolutely clear language. Take your time. Then put it into DeepL for a translation. Explain that the translation is using software and so might not be completely accurate.

The police will do things for you as family, that they will not do for any stranger. When you have more information, others, including me, will possibly be able to help you further. But this first step needs to be yours.

Thanks so much @Wallywobbles

They simply won't give this information. They'll turn up at the door, ask if that individual is in the property and may ask to come in and check. Whoever answers the property is under no demand to let the police into the property so if his mum answers the door and says: no, he's not here, I don't know where he is or: he lives in England, I wouldn't know then the police will accept that unless they have due course to believe something different (e.g. there's a UK plate outside the door).

They would then report back: we were unable to find him and may suggest raising this as a missing persons.

Even if his mum asks: what is this about/who raised it then they'll simply say: a request to check on the individual was made and we want to make sure they're ok IF they'd do it.

@Starlin but he won't appear anywhere public yet so no one except the police or a PI with contacts is going to find him. So the first point of contact is going to be getting his mum's address. And to do that she will need prove why she needs it.

I'd be very surprised if sending the police to his mums door didn't provoke some contact from him very quickly.

I completely agree with you but also know how they work and what information they'll give out.

I agree with all of your points.

I'm dutch speaking Belgian, but not in Sint-Niklaas.
My two cents to help you out: in case he intends to stay with his family, he cannot do anything (bank card, driving license,...[ without an adress. He will need to register at the "civil service" of the town he is in. Police will check if he really lives there.
You could try and get in touch with the Sint-Niklaas civil service: intl. tel +32 03 778 33 00 to see if he registered. Maybe they can't help because of privacy reasons, but it could be worth a try.
The strange thing is he speaks Spanish with his family. People do not speak Spanish here. Is he from somewhere else originally ?
Anyway, best of luck. Do not accept any excuse in case he comes back. He's amongst the lowest of the low.

Telephone for Sint Niklaas: leave out the zero in front of the 3
so: +32 3 778 33 00

I know someone who this happened to. Her husband of 15 years did a flit to Thailand (he was English) and left her without telling her and walked away from their kids (kids were young teens and were his kids). He never came back, shacked up with a Thai woman, never paid child support, never saw the kids again, never communicated with them and sacked her from the business he owned so she was jobless as well because she’d worked for him.

Meant to add that was ten years ago, maybe longer. She has thrived but I remember her been devastated at the time and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. But you will cope, there will be happy times again even if it looks bleak now.

@Pokske thank you,
Yes he is originally from a different country. The family emigrated to Belgium when he was a teen. He lived in lokeren for a number of years before moving to uk with me

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I would not waste my time trying to contact him, his family or the country you believe he’s in.
What is this going to achieve?
Its not going to force him to come home or speak to you.

Use your energy and time for something more important than chasing him.
Focus on yourself and getting through it as best as you can.

In a few weeks then you can try and contact him to get money off of him etc.
You’ll probably find one of them reaches out to you anyway.

I would be very careful because he could get back in touch in the future and lie about wanting to see you/the kids.
He could then take the kids next time he runs away.

Change the code of the safe and don’t ever let him have access to it.

Anyone who can walk out on their partner and kids without a second glance can never be trusted ever again.

Yes, and the U.K. would not have been able to retrieve child support from Thailand as I don’t think they are a signatory to the relevant Hague Convention (off the top of my head). Sympathies 😞

I think I'm going to leave it a little while longer before reaching out to police. I have applied for Remo as per @Angelil advice but I just think it's not my place to do the chasing.

It's our youngests birthday in a few weeks, if I haven't heard anything by then, then I'll take the next steps.

Thank you for the kindness and advice

I'm absolutely heart broken. I find myself making excuses like maybe he's blocking me because he knows I'd be going mad, he's having a hard time and needs to fix himself, I'm being naive I know but I love him, the kids love him, and he's shattered it.

I hope he contacts your children soon. Good luck.

I tend to agree. Chin up and let us know if you get anywhere with it.
I do agree though with the suggestions to safeguard the children’s paperwork and to ensure that when nursery restarts he cannot just turn up one day and collect them. Inform the department handling benefits of your altered situation too.

I had a similar situation once, and it was hell. Good luck, OP. You will get through this.

I’d move away. No way I’d put up with that. I’d change my number and ghost him straight back and that would be the end of it.
There’s no way back from that