Ghosted in the worst possible way

[brokenbitbybit]

I've name changed as I've posted quite a lot over the years.

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with being ghosted basically. This has been done to me in the worst possible way.

Together 5 years with 3 children. He is from a different country im from uk. He told me he was going on holiday to visit family due to stress and having no family or friends in this country.

He left without telling me, blocked me on every social media I presume has a new phone number and deleted his email address. I feel absolutely ill

How do I come to terms with this
I'm heart broken

If there is a way to get child support from him (other than going begging to his family) then do it. An official way.

I think all European countries (and plenty outside Europe) have reciprocal child maintenance arrangements.

An application needs to go in asap.

Well that’s beyond awful. what a fucking coward. Don’t spend a moment worrying about him. Find your anger and get to work sorting out everything for you and your children. It’s a horrible shock when you discover that the person you trusted is a complete dick but it’s not you. These guys are very good at presenting an acceptable version of themselves

Hi OP, German living in Belgium here. Families here are often quite clannish - but if he spoke Spanish at home, I don't suppose Flemish culture explains much.

It sounds like someone has advised you on legal procedures for obtaining child maintenance. Sorry to say I have no idea how this works.

But I can tell you from experience that administrative processes often take long here, and that it's important to keep asking. If there's a phone number, try that, and try to get someone's name in the office. Try to become a person to them.

Some people are very protective of their Flemish language but others keen to show off their English. May be a good idea to apologise for not speaking Flemish first when calling, but then English should work. Sometimes confident English is received better than halting Flemish.

Don't bother trying to reconcile. What a prick. But do try to get what you are owed. Fingers crossed for you.

I know the pain and I wish I could make it better for you. Try to be angry if you can, it will give you energy and stop you from falling apart. He is an absolute little shit, him and his mother, what sort of woman does that to her own grandchildren, young children who she has met? What sort of mother destroys relationships between her own children? And what sort of 'man' abandons and completely cuts ties with his loving family and just goes along with everything his cold calculating sociopath of a mother tells him to do? No man at all, just an empty shell of a mummy's boy. It is so pathetic it makes my blood boil. But you WILL be ok. And the kids are safe with the best and only parent they need. The grown up who will have their back and put them first. I suspect he was only acting - if he seems to have changed so much overnight then you are probably only seeing the real person he always was right now. A mother like that will have fucked him up for sure. He can never ever ever be trusted. Take @Angelil 's excellent advice and pursue him legally, but build your new and better life slowly without him. You only have to get through the next ten minutes, that is all you EVER have to do. I wish I could make you really realise how very much he isn't worth a single tear you shed for him... Big hugs, you will be ok, and so will your little ones. x

Perhaps the Belgium Embassy in London can help you or the Consulate if the children are/can be Belgian. If you know his surname then that will also presumably be his parents etc. They will be on voters roles - or you could ask for the Belgian police to trace him through an organisation like Salvation Army - I think they do that in a case like yours where children are involved. He has to provide for his children..

I’m wasn’t talking about only now. Daddy’s at work isn’t going to cut it 3-5 years down the line!

Of course they will need answers.

Belgium isn’t far. You can drive there and back easily in a weekend. I’d be hunting the coward down, or getting someone else to. Not straightaway but in the next couple of weeks if he stays over there hiding.

From the OP it seemed like the home country was much further away so apologies for any misunderstanding in my previous posts OP.

This is racist. Reported.

Yes and it's very possible he has gone to see his family but intends to return without op knowing.

The whole 'oh I didn't know my work would send a resignation letter to the house' could even be a red herring to further convince op he has left the country for good. Though of course that may be too farfetched.

It's just...for a grown man to return somewhere he hasn't been in years to live with his family... that's odd. Leaving for 'pastures greener' with other women is common on the other hand.

If he has gone home to his parents I suspect it won't be long before he realises what a disastrous choice that is and trues to come crawling back.

God, this reminds me of my sister... OP - without meaning to alarm you - please make sure you keep their passports and know what to do if you suspect he may want to bring your children to live with his family.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/your-ex-partner-is-taking-your-children-without-consent/

My sister had no contact, serious threats to remove her daughter from the country, sporadic contact, and eventually my niece requested no contact. It was really messy, but my sister is relieved he is out of their lives now.

I think the OP needs to be prepared for any eventuality sadly because a spineless, selfish, cowardly bastard like this is not to be trusted.

@brokenbitbybitI am so sorry this has happened to you. It's hard to imagine anyone being quite so cruel. He's gone - you will get through it. Just don't ever allow him to insert himself into your life ever again. Fucking bastard. Hugs xx

@Angelil really interested to hear how that works, and any success stories, as the current system does not fairly calculate or collect child maintenance for those living in this country. So sorry to hear of your situation OP and I hope you and your children get the justice you deserve.

So sorry you are going through this OP. He's a complete shit and it's going to take you a while to come to terms with it. But you have your DC with you. When ready to think about financial practicalities, note that the CSA doesn't go abroad...so if he's bailing financially, you won't be able to pursue. You register as a single parent with HMRC and claim what you can get.
When my DC's son went (easier as one DC and younger), I said he wasn't very well and needed to go back to his country to get better. He still loved them..yadaya. That could do, to buy you some time for now.

Wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear that. It ultimately comes down to the authorities of the individual country concerned.

That’s because the U.K. authorities are useless and other countries’ authorities tend to have more effective processes in place (including e.g. the compulsory registration of residents/citizens as a starting point).
Obviously given the nature of my husband’s work I cannot give examples of specific successful cases but my husband has said in numerous occasions that ironically it’s better if they have left the country and it’s not the UK’s responsibility to collect as the authorities in other countries have far better hit rates. The technological, administrative and legal elements are in place to ensure that this is the case, in a way that doesn’t happen in Britain. Plus, sorry to say it, but EU cross-border cooperation obviously helps a lot and Britain did vote for Brexit…
It also depends whether the country concerned is a signatory to the relevant Hague Convention. Sadly I also have a friend for whom nothing could be done (her ex removed their child from Britain when the child was 10 or so I think) because the country concerned was not a signatory.

@emmylousings that is not true, as I have explained. There is a whole network of processes in place for cross-border maintenance collection.

I’m really sorry.

Id stop trying to contact him. Instead, start taking action.
Lodge a child support claim
Get a credit check done on your address.
Set up a new bank account he doesn’t have access to and transfer whatever you have.
Talk to your bank as they will have a specialist line to help you if you are in financial distress. Same with creditors.
Make sure your relative knows not to give him the birth certificates if he asks.
Research UC and any other benefits to apply for:

Should this not be it's own thread? Not sure this has anything to do with original post

How awful. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Honestly, I would pursue child support through official channels and do nothing further to find him.
Turn all the anger, hurt and bewilderment around and funnel your attention to getting through this and focusing on your children.
My childrens father left when our youngest was very young and she never really 'missed' him. Took what we said about him being 'away' at face value and, when he returned six years later, was happy to spend some time with him.

Your ex is an arse and not worth you turning yourself inside out trying to figure out the 'why'. Use that time ensuring your childrens wellbeing

omg! i could understand if it was just you but to do that to your own 3 kids!! how could someone do that? :O i hope he lives his whole life with guilt! how could his family be okay with this??? WTAF

He abandoned you and his children. What's a wanker!

Nothing to add really, but this isn't your fault and you'll get through this. Find your anger and let it give you the energy to do what you needed to sort everything out

Unlikely yes but why take a risk, get the British passports flagged

accidentally posted this here but have reported myself so it can be taken down as don’t know how to delete

Thanks everyone

I never in a million years thought he would be capable of doing something so cruel. It's the worst feeling in the world. Every morning I open my eyes and remember and my heart sinks. I just want to understand what's going on so I can try and pull myself back up.

@Wallywobbles Starlin had no luck finding him unfortunately

They ain't her kids they are his !

She's lumbered with 3 of them that are nothing really to do with her

@topnoddy what are you talking about? Of course they're my children and I'd never ever describe myself as 'lumbered'