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Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/07/2023 11:26

Sounds like you dodged a bullet tbf

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/07/2023 11:27

He’s a man child- feels shit now but so much better before you became financially linked

Missingmyusername · 22/07/2023 11:29

Why would he lose his freedom? Sounds like an excuse!

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 11:30

Ah that’s really difficult. I am sorry this has happened to you. Must be really painful.

However, knowing someone has children, spending time with someone’s children when you still have your owns space and living together with someone’s else children are all very very different things.

and sometimes it’s easy to think we would be fine with something right until it’s a reality. I do think it’s best he was honest as soon as he realised. He was obviously excited about it at one point, but having really thought about it decided it’s best not to go forward.

Doesn’t help you right now, but the worst thing would have been to get financially entangled with him, live together and build a life and him resent it and leave further down the line. The upheaval would have been much worse.

But I am genuinely sorry you are hurting.

sweepleall · 22/07/2023 11:30

I don't think being a step parent is for everyone. It doesn't make him a bad person, better now than after you had moved in together

Quveas · 22/07/2023 11:31

To be honest, that sounds like a made up explanation - I suspect he has met someone else. It's easier to blame it on the responsibility of taking on two children. That way it sounds more convincing and not as selfish - he'll get a bit more empathy from his friends and family if they think that, albeit a little late in the day, he's made a decision that is in the best interests of everyone including the children.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:32

He was quite set in his ways and routine driven. But did he always make time for my children....days out etc. He was very good with them. Its just the suddenness that baffles me. Why say this now after 2 years??

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 11:33

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/07/2023 11:27

He’s a man child- feels shit now but so much better before you became financially linked

This is unfair.

I'm very sorry for OP but this is a much better outcome than him moving in, sharing a mortgage & then deciding he didn't want to be a SD.

I would never want to be in a blended family situation. I've 3 DC, and having a partner move in will never happen.

It's ok for him to realise this is not for him & be honest about it.

Sorry for the heartbreak OP

EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 11:34

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:32

He was quite set in his ways and routine driven. But did he always make time for my children....days out etc. He was very good with them. Its just the suddenness that baffles me. Why say this now after 2 years??

I mean it's fairly obvious? You are now talking about moving in & joint financial commitments, this is the time to say it.

TeeBee · 22/07/2023 11:34

Maybe it's taken this long for him to realise the challenges of step parenting. It's not easy and not a choice everyone wants to make. It's best you know before you get any more entrenched. It clearly wouldn't work for him, which would cause problems down the line.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:35

No I don't think he's met someone else to be honest. This change of heart was literally over night. It was too sudden for that. This past weekend his wasbfine and acting completely normally

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 22/07/2023 11:38

sweepleall · 22/07/2023 11:30

I don't think being a step parent is for everyone. It doesn't make him a bad person, better now than after you had moved in together

I agree with this. I told my husband I thought he was mad for marrying me and becoming a step parent as I couldn't do it.

FrivolousTreeDuck · 22/07/2023 11:40

I think he's being honest and realistic. If he had moved in with you and resented your children, that wouldn't have been a good situation for them, him or you.

Ideally, he should have thought about this sooner, but possibly it didn't become real to him until you started discussing practicalities such as the mortgage.

Ultimately, he is not the man for you if you want to live together.

SittingOnCloudNine · 22/07/2023 11:40

2 years isn’t long at all really to be calling him the love of your life or moving him in when you have children. Its very different dating someone with children than living with them. If it wasn’t for him, then he has done the best thing for you all.

Sorry you’re feeling rubbish though. 💐

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:40

That's why I worry now that I'm never going to meet anyone else that I'm as happy with and who is actually willing to commit to me

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 22/07/2023 11:43

Just look at the step parent board. Full of women who underestimated the massive impact having step children had on their lives.

I don't know why he's been vilified.
He's done the right thing.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or lessen OPs devastation. But there's no bad guy here.

Namechange828492 · 22/07/2023 11:43

The reality of breaking up fights at 6am on a saturday morning is a lot different to fun days out. I wouldnt have a new partner move in if i had young kids. Sorry to hear you are upset though

Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 11:43

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:40

That's why I worry now that I'm never going to meet anyone else that I'm as happy with and who is actually willing to commit to me

commitment doesn’t have to mean living together. But also it’s better that than having a man move in who resents your kids.

SittingOnCloudNine · 22/07/2023 11:44

Could you not stay together and just not live together? I know lots of people who have done that to save moving someone in with their kids. They seem happier than those who move their new partner in to be step parent tbh.

Largeslice · 22/07/2023 11:46

I feel a bit sorry for him as well tbh. He's damned either way.

AuntieJune · 22/07/2023 11:47

He sounds mature and sensible to be honest, better that than he moves in, snaps at your kids all the time, tries to preach about discipline and then you have to boot him out.

Can't you continue the relationship without living together? He might also find the idea of living with kids more appealing as they get older.

MNetcurtains · 22/07/2023 11:50

EarringsandLipstick · 22/07/2023 11:34

I mean it's fairly obvious? You are now talking about moving in & joint financial commitments, this is the time to say it.

Show quote history

This. Better he says it now than further down the line, where it would have caused real problems. This does not have to be the end of your relationship though.

samestyle · 22/07/2023 11:52

It's shit of him to give you false hope, fair enough blending a family isn't for everyone but he should of been honest upfront, a sudden change of heart is very confusing.
Do you think it's the kids or just he doesn't want commitment of living together?

Livinghappy · 22/07/2023 11:54

*Just look at the step parent board. Full of women who underestimated the massive impact having step children had on their lives.

I don't know why he's been vilified.
He's done the right thing*

100% agree. He is absolutely entitled to rethink a commitment based on the realities of life with a partner with children. Perhaps the conversations over finances made it all become very real.
2 years is the time when you start to know someone and it tends to be make or break around 2 years.

If a woman posted saying my partner wants me to move in with him and his 2 children and I don't think it's for me she would be fully supported.

Op, step parenting is way harder than being a parent as you dont have the bond. Many, many people are not able to take on the responsibility. Why did you need to move in together? Could you live apart and continue?

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:54

I would happily stay living separately if it meamt the relationship could continue but he thinks that shows lack of commitment on his part and that he cannot unsay the things he's said about my children. The thing is we would still be together and happy if this talk about mortgages had not sparked his panic

OP posts:
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