Dumped after 2 years because I have children

[Lilaclala]

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

The suddenness is suspicious. Interesting also that he doesn’t want the relationship on the old terms either. He definitely wants out for whatever reason.

This! I get where he is coming from.

I agree with this tbh op. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out. Better to know this before you moved in together.

He's scared of commitment. Better to find out now rather than waste too many good years on him. You will find someone who loves you and will love your DC, I did and I'm glad I held out for a decent man who would take on my DC as his own and be committed to the DC as well as me.

I think he sounds quite mature to call it early.

I'd not be a step parent, there's nothing childish about that decision.

No, OP made the biggest commitment in life, to have 2 DCs and they are not with him.

He does not want to live in the circumstaces. He has hardly "been scared of commitment"

He might want to meet someone to have DCs with.

Yup same situation.
As nice as my partners children our, they're not mine.

I guess he’s saying it after 2 years because things were about to get more serious and he’s done some soul searching.

I honestly think he’s done the kinder thing by accepting this isn’t what he wants rather than moving in, becoming resentful and there being a far worse break up in a year or two

I just feel this means he doesn't love me as much as I love him, otherwise he would be willing to continue the relationship as it was.

Honestly, if we hadn't had an unexpected DC my DP would not have moved in with me and my DC. It's a really hard gig for the step parent, and also for you as the parent/partner caught in the middle. I think he's done a brave thing but I can see how utterly heartbreaking it is for you both.

@Lilaclala or he DOES love you and wants to respect you and not string you along. The easier thing to do would be what many many men do which is go along with their partner’s wishes whilst keeping one eye on tinder looking for someone else.

Sorry OP, he’s just not your person. I hope you don’t go begging and pleading with him.
I think things got real now that there was a talk of mortgage, moving in and consolidating your lives.
How old are your kids? Not everyone will be willing to commit, especially if the kids are that young. But you will meet someone. This man just isn’t just the one.

"the fruit of his loins" talk about cringe 😬

It sounds as though he happily and genuinely planned a future with you. Only when it became very real, ie you started looking at mortgages etc, did he realise he isn't up for living with someone else's children. And that doesn't make him a bad person. It could even be that losing his freedom is bothering him (ie living with you, not just your children).

None of this means he lied before. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. In fact it's good that he said it now, before you moved in together, before the children became too attached to him, before you got married etc.

It's sad, yes. But he's just being honest. And I kind of understand why he doesn't want to go back to 'just' dating. Perhaps he worries that you would expect to move in together at some stage, and he's realised he doesn't want that. Perhaps he feels bad abut messing you about. Perhaps this situation has made him think he wants to be single.

@Lilaclala I don’t think there’s someone else, I think he’s just being honest. It’s very hard being a step parent and the discussions around moving in together have obviously made it more of a reality. I don’t think he’s being selfish; not everyone is cut out or be a step parent. As someone has mentioned above, him seeing you and your kids whilst still living apart is completely different to him moving in and being a full time step parent.

Would a long term dating but not living together situation even work do you think? It just makes me sad that if this mortgage chat hadn't happened we'd still be together.

Because taking your kids on days out, and being a full time live in step- parent are massively different things. And it's just hit him.

He's just not that into you OP. As much as it hurts he's not the one. He sounds like he's realised he would rather find a woman without kids. The initial attraction/shine has gone and he's left facing the practicalities. You'll find another man OP. It's not the end of the world.

Isn't this what we call future faking?

Don't gather crumbs sweep the crumbs up and put in the bin.

@IslaSkywalker

Agree

Yeah it can.
But only if both parties accept things won't 'progress'. Which is rarely the case...

Who instigated the mortgage conversations?

Those calling him a man child and looking for suspect alternative reasons for his decision agree vetoing unfair I think.
He's actually showing maturity by recognising that what he hoped for isn't for him, and wouldn't be fair in any of them. Far better to have the guts to recognise and be honest about it now, than to live with those kids as a parent and then abandon them.

The timing is obvious. The talk of moving in together and taking on a mortgage has shone a light on the level of commitment he'd be making. I don't see any justification for the accusations of having his head turned by another woman, or talked out of it by a mate. Psychologically the timing makes perfect sense

@Lilaclala good luck to him finding someone with no children or doesn't want any- there are some woman out there like this but not as many as he might think , who he also likes everything about.

Very poor form on his part though not to have realised this far sooner and lead you on

Perhaps he has money problems and knew he wouldn't be able to get a mortgage but doesn't want to tell you?