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Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 10:54

So there's nothing I could have done differently?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2023 12:31

Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 10:54

So there's nothing I could have done differently?

Not really, love. Not unless you were willing to send your DC away and out of your life. Because the issue was never you, it was your children. Not anything about them personally, of course, it was the fact that they existed at all. So no, there was nothing you could have done.

Be thankful he realized it before you bought a home together and got financially entangled. I know he's upset your heart but at least he hasn't ruined your life. You still have your home and your own financial security. Think where you'd be if you'd given that all up. You'd be trying to find a new place to live or trying to figure how you'd be able to buy him out of a house you probably couldn't afford to run. Not to mention the upheaval to your precious children!

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 13:26

Absolutely NOTHING that you could have done to avoid this OP because the decision was entirely his.

I know it's devastating when someone you are so sure of suddenly drops a bombshell like he did, it's so hard to accept. But it happens all the time - people suddenly see an obstacle that they hadn't really registered before, or they simply wake up and find the love gone. It happens.

You will get over it, 100% guaranteed that this time next year you will not feel this pain.

Even the grief of losing loved ones to death fades in time.

Yours will fade too until one day you will feel nothing at all for him.

MissHarrietBede · 15/09/2023 14:23

or they simply wake up and find the love gone. It happens.

I seem to remember you saying he was quite abrupt with you when you messaged or called about some possessions he had at yours or something, so it seems the love had gone. He also added a new woman to his FB. This may be connected or it may not, but he has moved on in some way.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 15:01

He said he was in love with me as he was breaking up with me but that love wasn't enough. I don't know how love can vanish that quickly...

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 15:04

Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 15:01

He said he was in love with me as he was breaking up with me but that love wasn't enough. I don't know how love can vanish that quickly...

It doesn’t matter, though.

He’s given you his reasons. They don’t need to be reasons with which you agree.

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 15:35

His reasons may not even be true OP. He may have been full of shit the whole time.

confusedmum2023 · 15/09/2023 17:03

@Lilaclala people are not being rude you are being sensitive partly because you know they are right and partly because you feel rubbish about it all.
Even if he came back tomo it would never be the same and he would do it again further down the line. There is zero point going round and round these thoughts or questions you will never know the true answers. What you do know is that it is over. You also know that you need to move on, that doesn’t mean with another man but out of this cycle of misery. You may think that your children aren’t being impacted by this but they are. Children are always aware when their mums just aren’t right no matter how much we try and hide it.
The question is do you want to live ur life like this or actually enjoy it?

Shapemyeyebrows · 15/09/2023 17:22

@Lilaclala I believe he did love you. I just think he couldn’t see a future as a step dad and that it only really hit home when you were looking at buying a house. It’s very hard for someone with no kids to commit to a life living with someone else’s kids.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 17:22

No I don't want to live my life like this, and no I certainly don't enjoy it. And yes my children probably are affected. I struggle with patience with my girls at the best of times. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I love my children dearly but a lot of the time I don't enjoy motherhood...I find it stressful, thankless and lonely. I don't resent them because they didn't ask to be born but I really resent the situation I find myself in and I feel constantly sad and overwhelmed. I feel like an awful mother for even saying it. Their dad is shit...he left me and rarely helps me. Constant excuses about not having any money to have them etc. His gf is pregnant. And now my current ex who I thought I had a hopeful future with has left me because I have children. So yes, I really resent single motherhood. I feel like I'm having a breakdown and am in floods of tears as I write this...

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2023 17:59

Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 17:22

No I don't want to live my life like this, and no I certainly don't enjoy it. And yes my children probably are affected. I struggle with patience with my girls at the best of times. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I love my children dearly but a lot of the time I don't enjoy motherhood...I find it stressful, thankless and lonely. I don't resent them because they didn't ask to be born but I really resent the situation I find myself in and I feel constantly sad and overwhelmed. I feel like an awful mother for even saying it. Their dad is shit...he left me and rarely helps me. Constant excuses about not having any money to have them etc. His gf is pregnant. And now my current ex who I thought I had a hopeful future with has left me because I have children. So yes, I really resent single motherhood. I feel like I'm having a breakdown and am in floods of tears as I write this...

This can ALL be worked through with therapy, trust me. It takes honesty (and this post of yours is VERY honest) and it takes determination and willingness to hear things you don't want to hear, both about yourself and about choices you have made. And it involves taking actions that you don't want to take. Believe me, I have been there, it was painful, but in the end I came out wiser, happier, and more determined to honour myself and as a result I made better choices in my life.

As far as him loving you, I'm not saying that he didn't or that he doesn't still in some way. But I'm 100% behind him saying 'love is not enough'. Because it's not. You can love someone desperately but that doesn't mean they are right for you, or that you are right for them. He has made the decision that is right for him. That it is wrong for you is not his problem. It is your problem to deal with, through therapy and through the actions you can take now. Like not contacting him and by refusing to keep pondering the 'what ifs'. Change your inner dialogue. Tell yourself 'I will NOT think about this!!' and find something to occupy your mind.

I think perhaps you're feeling especially 'negative' about single parenting/your girls because this is the thing that made him break up with you. I think as you move forward in this you'll regain more 'positivity' about your life and your children.

QS90 · 15/09/2023 18:50

Are you on antidepressants?

Original poster
Lilaclala · 15/09/2023 18:54

No I was prescribed them, but I took one and it made me feel really spaced our and sick so I didn't continue...

OP posts:
QS90 · 15/09/2023 21:06

Then try another brand or just stick it out? The side effects only last a couple of weeks - less time than you've been agonising over this breakup. If they're meds you need, you need to take them.

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