Dumped after 2 years because I have children

[Lilaclala]

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

You need to stop living in the 'what ifs'. You need to start living in the 'is nows'. It doesn't matter what 'might have happened if' because it didn't happen. It doesn't matter that you felt he was perfect for you because he obviously didn't feel the same way about you, at least once it came right down to 'shit or get off the pot'. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth. If you were the right for each other, he'd still be there. Frankly, I believe that if another man came into your life (a good man I mean) then Mr Wrong would disappear from your heart in a trice. But far better would be for you to learn to live without any man at all. To grow into your own true self, not as a reflection of or an appendage to a man.

My point is that you will never heal if you keep looking backwards with 'what if' and 'he's the only one'. All you're doing is blocking yourself off to 'who you are' and to all your possibilities and picking at the wound over and over. You need to stop doing that.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. You need to be 100% honest and you need to have your ears and mind wide open to them. If they tell you to stop looking back, if they tell you there are other fish in the sea you have to be open to HEARING them.

You have too much value and too much to offer yourself to waste yourself like this.

Just to remind you he wasn’t All That and a bag of chips! just an average bloke but with poor hygiene and bad wind.

Hi @Lilaclala Im sorry you are hurting, things will get easier I promise. I had my break up 3 years ago with what I thought best man ever. It was also out of blue and for the reason that was there from the beginning (3hrs of distance).
For a long time i thought i will never meet anyone better, but I did! The other guy doesn't mean nothing to me now. I have realised that he was not mine forever (and that he was not as good as I first thought 😁).
Your ex did a right thing to break up as he was crap, you don't want someone that have a such poor judgement and you dont want someone that can give up on you so easily. Get your anger back - it was shit what he did to you and your kids he can burn in hell with other type of di.kheads 🔥

Thank you. How long were you together? How long did it take you to get over him?

What appears to be a thoroughly mediocre man dumped you and you are so utterly terrified of being alone that you’ve transformed him into the perfect man in your head and reinvented a thoroughly lacklustre two year relationship as the love affair of the ages. You need to snap out of it.

You also need to figure out how to like yourself and your own company. This man had barely left before you were looking for a replacement and wondering what your options are. It’s very unhealthy. Be single. Keep going to therapy.

And enough with all of this But I do love the comfort of a relationship and sharing life with someone. Almost everyone loves those things. They don’t change the above.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but this hysterical obsessing isn’t helping you.

@Lilaclala we were together 3.5 years I was 38 when he dumped me.
It took me awhile I must admit but I was in actual heartache for about 6 mths then perhaps a year to get over it completely and be truly happy with where I was. It is individual thing so yours might be much shorter though. Counselling helped. I am now very happy he did what he did as my life is significantly better. Also because of that breakup i have done enormous amount of work on myself which improved other parts of my life! I know its hard to see it at the moment but it really is a blessing.

Reposting this good advice, which I know you’re not ready to accept yet but hopefully it’ll come. You’re picking at it like a scab and it’s not going to heal while you rewrite history and make him something he’s not and never was. You listed his many and pretty rank flaws, you did that. They’re still true. He’s not the answer to anything, neither is trying to get a replacement bloke.

I had posted before about wanting to stay alone for now and the benefits of it. I think I didn’t make clear and would like to clarify here that if I didn’t have kids things might be different, but the knowledge that the vast majority of men would find it quite a compromise to be around my kids is really a big factor. I say this in the spirit of just keeping your eyes open and accepting this upfront.

I have a better relationship with my children than if I had a relationship with a man simply because I can give them my full attention. Truly they bring me so much joy and I don’t want to sacrifice that. I really hope you can come to the same place.

In the meantime it sounds like you need to take some time and think about what makes you happy. Whether it’s reading or movies or friends or sports. Because pinning all your happiness on a relationship is absolutely not healthy. I don’t know you or your ex but even you must know that he wouldn’t have broken up with you ‘just’ for the reasons you say. He must have been unhappy in other ways. And maybe if you were pinning all your happiness on him you were at best blind to this and at worst maybe even a bit needy? I don’t know you so this may be way off the mark but it could be worth reflecting x

I definitely wasn't needy in the relationship, far from it. All I'm saying is I think its a great shame that it ended because he made me happy. I'm not saying that any relationship would make me happy and that any man is what I'm desperately pining for..its 100% about him. Obviously there are other things that also make me happy...that goes without saying.

You are better off without him. The kids thing was probably an excuse to leave.

It's very early days for you still and these things can take a long time to get over. A friend's daughter's BF pulled out of purchasing a house with her and left her on the morning of the sale!My ex disappeared when we were signing on a new house. I guess for some people it takes the reality of a situation for it to hit home. They have been mulling things over. You are young and you will get over this. There is no one in the world who has never been dumped at some point. For now just concentrate on making new memories with your children and for yourself. You will never analyse it to your satisfaction.

I know. It astounds me how people can become strangers so quickly. I have been reading about Living apart together relationships and I would have been willing to continue doing this. I just don't get why he didn't. I'm very tempted to contact him again at some point and ask him.

What answer would make you feel better?

Is that why you are tempted? Hoping it makes you feel better?

If not to make you feel better, what outcome would you want from contacting him to ask that?

Please don't contact him. He made himself very clear that he doesn't want a relationship where children are involved. It's not fair to put him in a situation where he might feel he has to explain himself and hurt you all over again. Let it go.

Even 'together apart' where children are involved isn't 'doable' if you want a relationship where both parties are available to do things as they please or go away at the drop of a hat, not sit around and wait until the children are at their other parent's or sitters can be arranged. And you don't want a relationship where you have to keep your children away from some man, always having to palm your children off to babysitters or family in order to be with him. Why would any woman want to treat her children so poorly, for the sake of some man. And why would a man respect a woman who did so or be content to sit alone until she is free to see him?

I made the specific decision in my younger days to NEVER date/be involved with a man who had children. I tried ONCE and quickly realized it wasn't for me. I didn't want the 'hassle' involved in scheduling time together or to play '2nd fiddle', let alone be a 'parental figure' in their lives. God bless people who can, but I wasn't one of them. And this man isn't, either. And if a man had put me before his children's needs in order to date me, I would have had NO respect for him and any feelings I might have had for him would be dead as a doornail.

Please stop looking back. Concentrate on your therapy sessions and moving forward.

Of course I get what you're saying. I know it's not for everyone. I'm just saying the above arrangement worked for 2 years do I don't know why it was suddenly a problem to continue it.

@Lilaclala because some people realise they want more/different long term. What may have been ok for a couple of years isn’t always the long term goal. He might want a partner who he can see a full future with, live with etc. You are two pieces of different jigsaws and unfortunately you don’t fit together. I know it’s hard but try not to take it personally. You can love someone but not see a future with them at the same time. I also think you need to come to terms with the fact it wasn’t sudden for him. He was probably thinking about it for some time.

This thread is fascinating. I’ve always wondered if the ‘crazy stalker ex’ stereotype actually existed in real life. Is this the sort of thought process that leads to that sort of behaviour?

You’re not listening to what anyone is saying. Why?

Breakups are unilateral. He’s told you, quite clearly, that he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s given you his reasons. They don’t need to be reasons with which you agree. Don’t contact him to ask this nonsense. You can’t argue or reason him into wanting you. All that’s going to happen is he’ll think you’re nuts.

You're clearly in a lot of pain, but it’s coming across like you almost want to be? Like you don’t want to stop fixating, because then it will really be over?

Charming.
I have not stalked him in the slightest. I've not contacted him for 4 weeks.I'm sure there are people who have done a lot worse than me after a breakup. It's normal to ruminate on things. Im just trying to process it. There's no need to be so rude

You do have to let it go though and definitely don’t contact him. If it was a man it would be seen as harassment.

Not being rude and haven’t accused you of stalking him, yet. Read it again.

He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want to be with you and you need to move on. It’s hard and hurtful but you cannot keep wishing for him to love you back. The relationship is over, it’s time to pick up the pieces and move on

I know I need to let go, I know I'm being pathetic, I know I'm probably coming across as slightly mentally unstable, but I'm the only one feeling what I'm feeling. At the moment I just feel like a complete mess emotionally and I came on here for support...not to be insulted. I will say no more because I'm going round in circles. Tbh this whole thread has just been a distraction from my anguish anyway. I just wanted words of comfort 😔 Goodbye.

You’re not pathetic at all, you’re experiencing heartbreak and that goes hand in hand with grief. Grief is an incredibly difficult and complex emotion, but it is not pathetic. It can swallow you up though and cloud everything else so badly that it’s impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep talking on here, ignore anyone that’s hurtful or insulting, they’ve clearly never experienced loss. But please stop wishing for him back, he is the cunt that has made you feel this horrific and you deserve so much better

You're not being pathetic. You're just not being realistic. And as far as being 'the only one feeling what I'm feeling', you are dead wrong. Right now there are 10s of thousands of women (and men) who are going through the heartbreak of loving someone who doesn't want to be with them. But many of them are making the painful choice of accepting and getting on with their lives, despite the pain they're in. That is what you are NOT doing. Instead you are hugging your pain to you and trying to figure a way to bring him back. Don't say you aren't, because that is what all your agonizing is about; why he feels the way he does and what could you have done (or still do) to 'fix him'. Yes, I know you're in therapy and I am so glad you are. But are you really trying to get him gone from your mind, or just using the time to agonize about 'what went wrong'?

After my post above you said I'm just saying the above arrangement worked for 2 years do I don't know why it was suddenly a problem to continue it. This is what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter why is was, it just was a problem for him to continue it. And you don't know that it was working for him for two years. You don't know how long he was agonizing over whether or not it was right for him before he decided it wasn't nor how long he agonized before he told you that. Many people stay in relationships that aren't working for them hoping that maybe they're 'wrong' about things or because they are too cowardly to speak their truth. Or because they're simply the kind of person who is content to let things drift along as they are. But regardless of the why, the fact is that things became too 'real' for him and when faced with his own 'reality check' he decided to be true to himself and end the relationship. That was the right thing for him to do, even if you feel it was the wrong thing for you.

You aren’t pathetic. And tbh, if you had one session of therapy it’s not surprising you are now feeling lower. It’s really common for therapy to make you feel worse at first. Makes you ruminate.

But it’s been 8 weeks. You have clearly been in touch. I don’t think that’s helped. But the end of a relationship is similar to grieving after a bereavement. When my mum died, I didn’t want to feel better. I didn’t want to move past the raw grief for quite a while. It felt like the last tangible connection I had to her. It’s the last feeling I had in reaction to something she did. It’s the last emotion that was connected to her physical body. Now my emotions are all connected to the memory of her and it’s not enough.

When a relationship ends, it’s not just the person you miss. You grieve the future you thought you was yours. I think you could, subconsciously, not really want to feel better. Because this is your last emotional connection to him. These things take time to move past.

The whole ‘I am tempted to ask him why we can’t be a couple but live apart because I have read some people like that’ is you trying to hold on. If that’s what he wanted he would have suggested that. Living apart as a couple may work for some people. It actually works for me. But it’s not for everyone. You have been told loads of times, that it’s ok for him to know he cares about you but that the relationship won’t work for him due to circumstances. If he really wants a relationship where he lives with someone, if you love him, you would accept that’s what he wants and it can’t happen with you because that won’t work for him.

If you ask him ‘why can’t we be together but live apart?’ What answer are you hoping for? That he ended a relationship with the love of his life but never thought about not living in together? Do you really think he is the sort of man to inflict this hurt on you on a whim, without thinking about it?

Do you want him to say ‘I realise I don’t want to be a in a relationship with someone with kids, at all’ or ‘I realised I don’t want to be in a relationship with you’ or ‘I want to live with someone, get married and have kids. But not with someone who already has kids’.

Chances are that he response won’t help you. It will make you feel worse. And I think in some ways you want the pain to continue. I think you need to accept he chose to end the relationship. And it’s really that simple. You need to give yourself time to grieve and heal. But trying to inflict more pain on yourself isn’t good for you or your kids.