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Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 22/07/2023 16:32

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 14:50

I just feel this is going to be a issue now going forward with any man. This could just happen again and again and the older I get my options of 'attractive ' men who i genuinely like are decreasing . Especially ones who are willing to take on stepchildren. As much as I love my children I'm always going to have 'baggage ' that will put many people off

I don’t think it will, given you are happy to not live together.

You say you crave intimacy. But really comes across as you are looking for someone to take on the father role to your children and that you area afraid of being alone. Someone willing to be a father to your children is something that would take a long time to build and it’s not something everyone (Steven all step parents) can do.

I can promise you that taking some time to become comfortable with being single is really worth it.

NoDatingFor0ldMen · 22/07/2023 16:50

FatCatBum · 22/07/2023 13:13

The reality of living with two children, and basically signing up to have your life revolving around them and their wants and needs, is very different to dating and just seeing them for days out.

I agree with PP who suggests that he's spoken to a mate about moving in, and has had his eyes about how it would really change his life and he just isn't up for it

Yeah 100% this, the guy has decided that the reality of being a step parent is not for him & ultimately that’s his decision

NoDatingFor0ldMen · 22/07/2023 16:59

DancinOnTheCeiling · 22/07/2023 16:22

I disagree with most PP and don't think he's decent because the sudden break up thing is weird/unkind, and the fact he doesn't want to stay together (but living apart) is also suspicious. He knew all along you have children so I think if having children is a dealbreaker for someone (which is fair enough) you wouldn't suddenly realise that, you'd know it all along. Just like other dealbreakers like politics/religion/life ambition etc. I also think it's very unkind of him to disappear out of DC's life so suddenly. At the same time it also sounds worrying that you instantly want to date again OP. That sounds to me as though this isn't about the loss of a relationship with him but just about not wanting to be alone. I agree with PP you need to love yourself first and spend some time alone. Finally, you say you worry you'll never meet someone else who will take on your DC. Well he didn't really take them on either, did he? He said he would but when it came to actually committing he ran. I think you've dodged a bullet OP

I also think it's very unkind of him to disappear out of DC's life so suddenly

the other side of this that if step parents separated after say , 10 years, the ‘step’ parent has no rights over the child they have might parented for a number of years, it’s not their biological child, they may have grown to love the child, but will will never see it again

HugeArtPrint0ffer · 22/07/2023 18:02

I don't believe that you have been "dumped due to children". I think that there is more to it

A mortgage is a big commitment (25 to 30 years unless it is paid off early)

He has not offered you marriage

You have not said if you work, but if you lived together, he would have to financially support you & the children in some way

He has mentioned his loss of freedom

Johnisafckface · 22/07/2023 18:15

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2023 13:30

I agree with this tbh op. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out. Better to know this before you moved in together.

Show quote history

I agree. My ex wanted me to move in with him and his three kids. And for a while I thought I could do it but over time I realized I just couldn’t live with his children. They were home all the time, they were needy, I’d have to do the kid thing every weekend and I just like my own space and these kids never went anywhere unless it was as a family. So I didn’t move in.

My ex saw it as a lack of progression and commitment but I felt we could be just as committed in separate homes, but eventually he moved on and met someone who moved in with him and his kids shortly after they started dating. And he’s happy as can be and I’m happy not to play the stepmother role. 😂

adriftabroad · 22/07/2023 18:29

You have careered from one relationship to another.Totally agree with a PP, you want a father figure for your DCs.

Your DCs are so young.
This man likes you, but not the future with you.Understandably.
Indeed, to find a "partner" will be very hard for 10 years.
Be careful with your DCs.

Sunsetandsunrise · 22/07/2023 18:52

“Also a massive amount of child abuse is via step parents.
So living alone should be seriously considered when children are so young.”

OP, this. Out of desperation please don’t end up putting your children at risk. I’m not saying you have but you could be on the road to it with the mentality of moving on to the next one quickly because you “crave intimacy”

Sycasmores · 22/07/2023 18:52

Go to therapy OP and figure yourself out before you start looking again. If I've understood it correctly you started with this man when your baby was only 10 months old. That baby I presume is now a full blown toddler and that's a very different proposition than a chubby cute baby who sleeps quite a bit. Your kids are so and vulnerable OP. They really don't need men coming and going.

blacknredsweeties · 22/07/2023 19:02

Wow. You need to stay single for a while. You could have 3/4 relationships before your kids are teenagers. There are some fucked up men that only date women with kids.

startingover202 · 22/07/2023 19:49

I got dumped for someone who had several kids.

I worked in a high pressure job. She was unemployed so had all the time in the world for him.

They'd been talking for months before we split.

He's probably had someone lined out for a while but just wanted to make sure she wanted him and he had someone else before he dumps Ed you.
Sorry

QS90 · 22/07/2023 20:01

Agree with previous posters - as sad as it is that your relationship has ended, I doubt you'll find happiness in taking on a new one rashly. It can be so damaging for children to bond with numerous men as father figures, for them to ultimately leave. Lots of single parents only have girlfriends / boyfriends / one night stands even, outside of the house for this reason, and don't ever introduce them to their children.

startingover202 · 22/07/2023 20:11

Sorry op but you were probably a stop trap until someone more suited came along

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 21:46

I don't think so, because if he was just using me until someone better came along why would he say he was committed and constantly talk about the future. His feelings for me seemed completely real and we were very close

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 21:48

And no I don't want a father figure for my children. I made that very clear to him myself. All I wanted was a partner for me.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 22/07/2023 22:25

@Lilaclala In the past I was with someone who had kids and I didn't at the time. He saw them a lot, they came over a lot but they didn’t live with him. At one point it was looking like his kids would need to live with us for a couple of months due a delay in a selling/buying chain of their home. I would never have objected, but I won’t lie - it did panic me the thought of living with them full time. I already felt like my life wasn’t my own at times. It didn’t end up happening as the house buy all came together in the end but it definitely made me think at the time that I would struggle to live full time with someone else’s kids. It had nothing to do with how I felt about him. So I can understand him suddenly realising this isn’t for him long term. You might be best looking for someone with kids as your priorities will be more aligned.

Ucquestions1 · 22/07/2023 23:07

Sorry op . Being a step parent is hard and it is good he has ended this now. Sorry you are hurting .

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 23:13

The pain is unbearable and I don't know what to do with myself. How can i go from being so close and seeing him every day to suddenly be faced with never seeing him again? I just can't process it. We had such a lovely time together...😭

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 22/07/2023 23:16

Millions of us get through it. You will be fine.
More importantly you DCs will be fine.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 22/07/2023 23:32

It's better you don't have to see him again like , you don't live close by or see him at work . You will get yours and the kids lives back quicker .

Wheretostartstitching · 23/07/2023 07:52

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 21:48

And no I don't want a father figure for my children. I made that very clear to him myself. All I wanted was a partner for me.

But that’s not true is it.

By having him around everyday, by living with him he will become a father figure. You talk repeat about finding some to take ‘step children’ or needing to find a man that’s willing to commit to you and your kids.

I don’t think you love him half as much as you think you do. You are afraid of being single and a single parent. If you loved him so much, where are your instincts telling you to find someone else quickly? You want to replace him asap.

A romantic relationship shouldn’t be the theme that defines your life. You have kids. They need their parent far more than you need intimacy. And it’s far better for you to learn to love your life, love who you are and be independent before getting in another relationship.

That way you will make sure you only let the right people in.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 07:59

I know what you're saying. The wanting to replace him comes from my pain and desperately wanting a distraction to lessen the heartbreak. But deep down I know it wouldn't work because it wouldn't be him and he's the only one I want....

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 23/07/2023 08:12

You are still in shock. treat yourself well and gently, as if recovering from an illness, and think about my suggestion of a mini break to reset.

Wheretostartstitching · 23/07/2023 08:23

Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 07:59

I know what you're saying. The wanting to replace him comes from my pain and desperately wanting a distraction to lessen the heartbreak. But deep down I know it wouldn't work because it wouldn't be him and he's the only one I want....

Don’t distract yourself from a break up with another man.

You did this with this man? How long were you actually single between your last relationship and this one?

You need to learn who you are as a person and a parent. Outside of a relationship. You say you crave intimacy, but I genuinely believe you mean you can’t be single.

I also believe in 6 months, maybe a year, you will realise he wants perfect. You will start realising there were signs. They were just subtle.

You have just broken up. Of course you think he is the only one. But you have had other relationships. You will have more. Heart break passes. Doesn’t feel like it. But it does. And heart break from a break up is much better than general sadness because you are stuck in a relationship that isn’t working for years. Which is what would have happened here.

MandUs · 23/07/2023 09:53

You need to be on your own for a few years and focus on loving yourself and your kids. You will never find the right man if you are so desperately looking to be with someone.

Livinghappy · 23/07/2023 14:42

I'm someone who craves the intimacy and companionship of another person

Can you see how this neediness could lead you and your children into destructive relationships. I think your pain comes from anxiety over being alone.

Do your children share the same father, or have always gone into new relationships quickly?

You would really benefit from time alone to heal your neediness. Companionship can come from family & friends. Try it! Make a decision to have alone time and you can do it

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