Dumped after 2 years because I have children

[Lilaclala]

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

Highly likely he’ll be back in a few months. Hope you won’t let him. Your kids deserve someone who likes & potentially could love them. Such men are hard to find. Why not just stay single till your children are older?

Sounds like he suddenly saw the reality of life with stepkids and a mortage, went AAAAAAAGH!!!!! and fled emotionally.

This is the thing, it was always him who instigated conversations about living together in the future. He seemed so up for it. No he didn't have money problems...I've seen his mortgage statement etc

@Stripeyjumper1 there is that too- it's easy to hide if you have no joint commitments -

It might be that he's realised that as much as he likes your children, he doesn't want to be in the house and be in the position to have to be a step-parent to children that aren't biologically his at the end of the day. It's a massive emotional and time commitment on top of any commitment he makes to you through marriage or financial arrangements. Personally, I don't want to settle down with a man that has children for this reason (and that narrows down my options considerably).

I'm sorry you had to find out like this after 2 years.

Not necessarily, I think it's one of those things that until you're actually in the situation you don't know what it's like. He probably was happy with how things were, but talk of living together and being financially tied probably brought up a lot of other considerations and emotions that perhaps weren't expected; it's different to dating and spending time with the children.

OP yes I know a couple who live apart out of choice (ie not to avoid their benefits being affected etc) and they're very happy- been together for 20 years. No children involved though. I'd listen to what he is saying though, it sounds like it's unearthed the reality of a long term relationship with someone with children. I hate to say this as I sound terrible I expect but I dated a man with children when I was younger- he had his children 50/50 and I enjoyed spending time with them all and thought we were in it for the long haul. When it came to the reality of living together and sharing finances it was a no from me. I loved him very much, his children were great but it's not for everyone, fair play for him being honest.

He has also now said he doesn't want to live like that anymore regarding still seeing eachother but not living together. So it seems pretty final

He’s not willing to continue the relationship “as it was”. This is suspicious. Why would he rock the boat like this unless there’s something else going on?

Yes it does.

Of course it could have worked not living together. But it's clear that it's what both of you wanted, hence the chat. But he doesn't want that with 2 DC who aren't his - therefore it can't happen & there isn't really anyway to go back.

Onwards OP

Because he's also realised, in talking about moving in together, that he wants a relationship where he can have that? As OP says, he was initially the one up for the move. So presumably he wants to share a life and a home with someone, rather than have a 'semi-detached' relationship.

I'm sorry you are so hurt, OP, and it's understandable. But far, far better it happens now and not one year down the line.

Blended families aren't for everyone. It can take a while to understand the realitiy of living with children day in, day out. He respects you enough to think it through carefully and be honest with you.

I hope you find happiness, whether single or with someone else.

Uh oh. Now sounds more likely someone’s walked past, as a pp said, or he’s suddenly been given the green light elsewhere.

The man is not a villain for wanting more out of a realtionship than the OP can provide!

This is such good advice. There will be someone who will want you and your DC.

I considered that, but i think its far too sudden to be another woman. Like I said it was literally overnight. No exaggeration. I just feel like he's wasted 2 years of my fucking life

That's dating.

It's the suddenness that's so hard to cope with. It's unbearable and at the moment everything feels bleak and I can't see a future

I don't think there's anything to suggest he's found someone else, his rationale is clear and doesn't sound overly out there. I'm sure some people just like to try and torture OPs and make them feel worse about situations for their own amusement.

The timing isn’t great but it could be a lot worse. I think it’s understandable that as time went on the full realisation of what being a step parent is would dawn on him.

He obviously wants to be in a position to meet someone else who he can move in with in the future, rather than hanging on with OP and waiting years and years for their children to move out. So no it doesn’t seem off that he has said no to continuing the current set up.

Not torturing anyone. We are, with OP, looking for any other reasons for the sudden change of heart.

Not necessarily if he wants a relationship where he lives with his partner he knows he can’t have that with you because he also can’t live with your kids. Unfortunately

You can love someone and also recognise the circumstances of the relationship won’t work for you.

The while ‘he can’t live me as much as I love him’ doesn’t even work. Love isn’t quantifiable.

The whole trope that if you love someone you will be with them in any circumstances leads to resentment and unhappiness.

It’s really ok for someone to know they love someone but also recognise that the relationship can’t meet their needs and give them what they want.

It would be understandable why OP maybe be looking for alternative reasons because the truth might be harder to digest, but I don’t think it’s helpful to fuel that. It’s not surprising at all why someone might turn down being a live in step-parent, the reasons he has stated make sense . Many on this thread have even said they wouldn’t want to live with someone else’s child. An ex of mine was stepparent to a girl for nearly a decade and he said it ruined his marriage. He clearly wasn’t well matched and would’ve been better off marrying someone without kids but sadly found out too late once the charm and allure of his ex wives beauty had worn off . Sometimes “love” just isn’t enough!
At least this man has realised earlier.

@Lilaclala

I just feel this means he doesn't love me as much as I love him, otherwise he would be willing to continue the relationship as it was.

This isn't necessarily true. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't always mean that they are 'right' for you (and vice versa). 'Right' is a combination of time, place, and person and they don't always meet at the same time. And 2 out of 3 doesn't work.

Would a long term dating but not living together situation even work do you think?

This is the thing, it was always him who instigated conversations about living together in the future. He seemed so up for it.

He has also now said he doesn't want to live like that anymore regarding still seeing eachother but not living together. So it seems pretty final

Yes, I'd think it could be really great, but it has to be what both parties want. I have a friend who was seeing a man and was in the stage of trying to figure out if he was 'the one'. Then he stated that it was 'marriage or nothing'. As an 'older' woman with a settled and independent life, she had no interest in marriage. So she chose 'nothing'. In fact, to her his demand for marriage and the assumption she'd sell up and move into his home AND his life (rather than building a new life together) was a big red flag.

I'm not saying you're a 'red flag', but it would have been him moving into your life because you have children. That requires the other person to adapt 'into' the life of the person and their children. I just think his talk about living together was a nice 'pipe dream' for him but when things got too 'real' he realized what he would be biting off and it suddenly became too big a chunk to swallow. This isn't your fault, it isn't his fault. It's just dream vs reality and thank your lucky starts he 'woke up' in time. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will eventually realize that he did the right thing and you will be grateful that he didn't totally disrupt your and your children's lives by moving in and then realizing he'd made a mistake.

He has the right to say (as my friend's ex-bf did) 'all or nothing', meaning in his case that he wants a 'live in' relationship with someone with no children. Just as you have the right to say "We are a package deal. Love me, love my kids".

I think rather than wonder 'will I ever meet anyone' you need to focus on the life you have now with your DC. Learn to love being alone and being self-fulfilled. Learn to love having no one to answer to or make plans around. Once you've done that, perhaps you'll meet someone who is willing to fit into your and your children's lives.

I just feel this is going to be a issue now going forward with any man. This could just happen again and again and the older I get my options of 'attractive ' men who i genuinely like are decreasing . Especially ones who are willing to take on stepchildren. As much as I love my children I'm always going to have 'baggage ' that will put many people off

How old are your children, OP?