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Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Offyoupoplove · 22/07/2023 14:53

Horrible, horrible for you and totally get why you’d be heartbroken. But from an outsider perspective it’s kinder to be clear now that he actually can’t deal with parenting than in 5 years.

Rage for a bit, cry for a bit but don’t lose hope. Firstly your children won’t be little forever and there is a big difference in marrying or living with someone who has adult kids, and becoming a step dad to young kids. Also just because one person can’t do it doesn’t make it true for everyone.

Keep the faith.

BeverlyBrook · 22/07/2023 14:58

Or you could see your kids as being your filter for a decent man that doesn't run a mile.
Lucky escape I'd say.

FatCatBum · 22/07/2023 15:01

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 14:24

He has also now said he doesn't want to live like that anymore regarding still seeing eachother but not living together. So it seems pretty final

But why would you continue as is when you know that the relationship could never go anywhere? Surely better to quit now so you can both have the opportunity to find the kind of relationship that you want

QS90 · 22/07/2023 15:01

If your children are in their teens, could you keep your current arrangement going for a few years until they're out the house, and then think of moving in with BF then?

madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 15:04

Sorry you're going through this 🙁 I would also wonder why not carry on but living separately? Some people do do that and, yes, it's not traditional but it's another perfectly valid way of life that some people really enjoy.

madeinmanc · 22/07/2023 15:05

What age is he, if I've not missed that? What are the reasons he hasn't settled down before?

araresight · 22/07/2023 15:08

The suddenness of it seems really strange OP! If he was genuinely worried then the logical thing to do was slow down a bit and not for him to ditch the whole relationship. To me, that doesn't make sense. Is he prone to making impulsive decisions? Is it possible someone he's close to has influenced him in some way?

In my experience (both myself and other friends) when a man suddenly departs like that, they normally always try to come back when the dust settles and they realise what they've done. Unfortunately by that point, trust is totally broken and it's not possible to fix it. Just mentioning that so you're prepared in case it happens.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's horrifically painful. Flowers

Livinghappy · 22/07/2023 15:08

It's unbearable and at the moment everything feels bleak and I can't see a future

Its natural to feel upset so allow the emotions to flow - getting outside and walking helps, even if you are in tears.

If you moved on from your ex quickly you may not have grieved properly so could be suffering from double grief. Its the equivalent of opening a wound that hadnt previously healed.

You can have a great life single and bringing up your children. Once the shock has settled you'll be able to focus on the positives.

Livinghappy · 22/07/2023 15:12

I don't think the suddenness is a red flag. He might have been thinking it over and then knew he couldn't string you along. You said he is equally upset so this has impacted him as well.

If you head over to step parents boards you will see that blending is very challenging especially when children are young.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:19

They are 8 and 3

OP posts:
GolgafrinchamB · 22/07/2023 15:24

Oh wow, so your youngest was still a baby when you got together? And he was fine with that, despite the disturbed nights and toilet training an all that?

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:24

He is 40. He was married a few years ago but they never got round to having children. When he was with me he said that he felt that ship had sailed and that he didn't really want children any more

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:25

Yes she was only 10 months when we met. Again, it was never a problem for him

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 22/07/2023 15:31

Would your ex or family have the kids so you could get away for a couple of days in the near future, just for some healing time?

Lefteyetwitch · 22/07/2023 15:32

It's sudden to the OP.
He may have been wrestling with this.

Just like on MN where women are advised to leave theor oblivious partners.

OP. Yea dating is probably going to be hard. Taking on children is massive massive baggage.
You're supposed to love them like your own but have zero say in parenting choices or discipline.

Also a massive amount of child abuse is via step parents.
So living alone should be seriously considered when children are so young.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 22/07/2023 15:42

Anyone is entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason the see fit .I've seen on here even women who have children of their own don't want a man with children because too complicated .
Maybe he has decided he wants to meet a woman and have children of his own , who knows , saves everyone heartache further down the line .

Original poster
Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:45

Thanks for all your messages and advice. My instinct is to try and find someone else instantly even though I know I'm not ready. Someone said wait until my kids are older until I find someone but personally I'm someone who craves the intimacy and companionship of another person

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2023 15:47

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:24

He is 40. He was married a few years ago but they never got round to having children. When he was with me he said that he felt that ship had sailed and that he didn't really want children any more

TBH this was a HUGE red flag for you and it appears you ignored it. A man who 'doesn't want children' is exactly that, a man who doesn't want children, his or otherwise. I'm not criticizing you, I'm just saying that it was something you should have given serious thought to, regardless of whatever he may have said about 'the future'.

As far as how you feel right now, it's the 'death of the dream' for you, too. The difference is that he 'killed' your dream along with his. All you can do is give yourself time to grieve. But as I said, start to focus on YOU. Learn to be happy without 'a man'. You may meet someone, but then again you may not. Don't waste your precious years by pining for something you haven't got. YOU ARE ENOUGH. If someone comes along, fine. But if they don't you have to be able to say 'that's fine, too'.

Mumtothreegirlies · 22/07/2023 15:53

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 14:50

I just feel this is going to be a issue now going forward with any man. This could just happen again and again and the older I get my options of 'attractive ' men who i genuinely like are decreasing . Especially ones who are willing to take on stepchildren. As much as I love my children I'm always going to have 'baggage ' that will put many people off

Who cares about how attractive a man is. Soon enough your children won’t even come into your relationship as they’ll be older and independent and it will be about you and him. 2 years is no time at all, it’s still the honeymoon phase. It’s likely his willingness to overlook the fact you had children was his attraction towards you and was the driving factor for him, and now it’s become more serious the reality has set in. The fact he’s older and doesn’t already have children signifies he wasn’t a family man to begin with. Maybe look for someone who has had children, and is a good father already and less about what he looks like.

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 15:54

I would seriously advise against looking to meet someone else so quickly, it would be helpful to do some work on yourself if you crave the need to have a partner, any partner to this degree

MinnieTruck · 22/07/2023 15:57

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:45

Thanks for all your messages and advice. My instinct is to try and find someone else instantly even though I know I'm not ready. Someone said wait until my kids are older until I find someone but personally I'm someone who craves the intimacy and companionship of another person

You have two children and you were with someone when your daughter (or son, I can’t remember) was 10 months old.

It’s okay to be single and just focus on your kids honestly

MissHarrietBede · 22/07/2023 16:02

talawalawoo · 22/07/2023 15:54

I would seriously advise against looking to meet someone else so quickly, it would be helpful to do some work on yourself if you crave the need to have a partner, any partner to this degree

That is worrying, and could be very unsettling for her DC.

Grendell · 22/07/2023 16:06

Perhaps, going forward, only date men with their own children.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2023 16:15

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 15:45

Thanks for all your messages and advice. My instinct is to try and find someone else instantly even though I know I'm not ready. Someone said wait until my kids are older until I find someone but personally I'm someone who craves the intimacy and companionship of another person

You can change your mindset, you know. You don't have to be a person who 'craves' intimacy. It's not something that is hardwired into a human being. It's something we choose to be based on our past experiences and the 'messages' we are given by our families and by society. This means that you can also choose be a person who says "I am enough!". Learn to be that person. You'll be happier and more fulfilled.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 22/07/2023 16:22

I disagree with most PP and don't think he's decent because the sudden break up thing is weird/unkind, and the fact he doesn't want to stay together (but living apart) is also suspicious. He knew all along you have children so I think if having children is a dealbreaker for someone (which is fair enough) you wouldn't suddenly realise that, you'd know it all along. Just like other dealbreakers like politics/religion/life ambition etc. I also think it's very unkind of him to disappear out of DC's life so suddenly. At the same time it also sounds worrying that you instantly want to date again OP. That sounds to me as though this isn't about the loss of a relationship with him but just about not wanting to be alone. I agree with PP you need to love yourself first and spend some time alone. Finally, you say you worry you'll never meet someone else who will take on your DC. Well he didn't really take them on either, did he? He said he would but when it came to actually committing he ran. I think you've dodged a bullet OP